18 - Meet Us In The Intersection

My sister's still clicking away on her heartchild.

Soon there's a monolith to hammer, favorite things, eighties cartoons, the peasant food thing we were just thinking about, stage show, a kid's painting of a house, Winnie the Pooh, Earth, time for treats.

We can't already be getting close to another!? It comes when all of those things are like, ready to be hammered.

Soon time for Shigeru, sleigh ride, playing with power heh (but like, in the sense of how we just saw formerly-Agatha playing with her dragon).

Treason, spiked, striking me was a shock. Capital-They hurricaned by daddy coming back.

Oh my...yeah, that must have been interesting, to step out of the portal and have daddy wave hi. He was real mad about Christianity, but that was...now this is weird. They knew daddy before he was attacked, so they didn't have the excuse of being able to say they didn't know how things should be, but I somehow don't think Christians had any excuse either. I guess I think it should have been obvious there was something really wrong happening. It should be self-evident that stuff like what was happening to our latest conquest that made her suicidal was wrong. That if rules like that are killing people the problem is with the rules, not the people.

The Dreams spike that stuff very scarily, they say.

Games again...oh the working your anger out thing, that's what the playing with power thing was. Like this is sounding like next up is to work out some of our (my?)--

[!] [ strawberry apocalypse ]

--OUR anger at this sort of thing. It's all the same thing in the end. A box or a bottle of pills, a tree or a Bible verse, the only choice to make's how many megatons.

Dreams I think you're inviting us to be part of some kind of spiking of this.

They made the prophecies to shield people from this kind of thing. There's a quick run now...to make an announcement...to the Earth...cordial...strong...Rainbow and Boobsong...are coming...to tear up all those boxes and Bible verses.

That's weird. Isn't this Earth, like didn't we do that thirty years ago, here? Isn't this old news?

A big ghost--oh, the memories from the reset. People still remember that world. This will be an important part of our show soon. Wait--um that's--no more companions who aren't your friends, said my seed-ghost, but there's that kind of spectre hanging over other people. This is a part of what I was made for, telling people that the ones telling them to do things like Jenner did, or whatever drove our latest conquest and Dove to the edge of suicide, aren't their friends, and it's not good or okay, and it's going to be stopped.

Map to Jenner's advisor. She had an actual patron. This isn't just general. I thought that was just Eden?

A signpost...nature spirit...bucket of gravel...oh I see. We conquered this thing. You can throw its advice on the fire now.

There's something going on here that's like that first time remembering the StarFox Super Weekend, and then being interviewed afterwards.

That was right after the Strawberry Apocalypse, but I couldn't imagine being famous being a good thing. It's been complicated, is what I'd say now, but it was fun with the crowd out there, and I wouldn't mind giving a stageshow...what is this, though? I was literally about to blurt that we've been rehearsing for the apocalypse, our way, by implanting people who're new to this world but also don't know they remember it, in here, when the dreams told me this.

Like, they're prettying us up for the apocalypse ride, yeah. Just like we were gearing up at Plowstar. Message...oh I think this is about daddy being back. That whole Star Wars redemption thing.

That's been a problem with all these implantings. He's been so patient and helpful--seed-ghost please make sure he knows how thankful I am--but like, I haven't been seeing it as what, a team thing? I think it's just that the revelations I'm most scared of messing things up aren't mine to make. I mean if daddy wants me to tell people that's something else, but lies about who he is and what he's meant by stuff are his to correct, short of making Eden retract them. I shouldn't be feeling responsible for those corrections. Then is the thing about coming to tear up all those boxes and Bible verses--when the Dreams told me about making an announcement, they kept showing a mic facing away from me. The Dreams aren't saying we're telling this, they're saying daddy will be. He's going to say there's been some confusion and to listen to Rainbow and Boobsong in their Fairy Godmothering.

In these implantings, he hasn't been shy about saying that, but like...I also haven't been able to see what's going on as his whole plan for me. Like I've said I'm an angel but I haven't really stood on my authority as daddy's appointed messenger for what I do, just been grateful when daddy vouches for me or sticks up for me.

Thinking about this feels like setting a broken bone. Like I don't even know what exactly it means but the beginnings of these implantings have been such slogs because I don't know what story to tell of myself or how to break it to people, and what if it's just...like what if it's just that when daddy's a thing at all, in these, I'm his angel and you have to listen to me? There's that whole thing about him being the creator of everything--but that's not my problem. I wanna do implantations that way! Whaddaya think, demon dolly, wanna be angels?

[ Santa's sleigh with huge bag ] [ sugar ] [ blueized ] [ mushroom cloud ] [ heart surgery ] [ horny up tail ] [ loofah / broken compass ].

This sounds best fun to be Aveh's angels. Sugarfeast got blueized you forgot this part. Blowing up their worldview is helping their hearts grow back. Your Boobsong says let's go it's fixing your heart too. You see the thing you want now.

Snif...yeah. I feel more alive than I have in a while.

I need a reality check. It's getting easier and easier to talk to daddy but it's still hard. Like shouldn't I now call him and be like daddy can you send us someone so I can practice angel-ing. Am I being a wuss here?

[ dark autumn forest ] [ childhood nightmares from toddler age ] [ reverse hobbit feet ] [ throwing trojan rabbit back ] [ angel ] [ medicine ].

Yeah. This isn't like with him and Dove. I really just need to see him actually being who I know my daddy is a lot to get back from that. He's been, while we've been doing this, and it's been really helping.

Oh. I'm supposed to be base. Like that's not much of a wham line but I forgot the context. Our people worshipped the stars so a mistake that happened a lot was they would get to thinking humans should be like trying to get back to being stars...? Yeah that was a thing people thought. Common heresy. Humans as fallen stars that got stuck in flesh and needed to get out again. Daddy and the rest of them all were always telling people there was nothing wrong with being flesh and stuff and to honor it but of course people don't listen and daddy finally just decided it was time to put his money where his mouth was and make four human-shaped kids who'd be just as flesh as humans are, to say he thought that's a good way to be. So I was specifically made to like the stuff flesh does. Sugar and fat and sex. And not in some kind of ethereal starry way, like.

Boobsong and me fuck like animals and like fair food and violent video games and scary rides and all that because that's good stuff to enjoy. People keep on deconstructing stuff like that like well fast food really is just that people like fat and salt and it's not good for you like we should all be very ashamed for being creatures that need those things and do our best not to instead of seeing that simple realization as having broken the game and opened up a whole universe of fun exploits. Sugarfeast is about doing weird stuff, but there's a reason my mindfucks come to you as candy and not just like, beamed in or whatever. It's all about how can you have the best fun with being this weird sentient animal thing--but not as some kind of worship of natural order, because then you're Jenner. A human's best self, in daddy's eyes, is the one whose figured out how to eat a whole Pepperidge Farm cake without getting sick from it. I'm his statement to that effect. He thought his daughters could be happy this way, and this one is, at least. Yeah, it's been really shit bouncing around the devil's kitchenaid, but he did mean to send us to paradise. I'm happily human and I like the things humans like.

Chocolate Twinkie. Click, feed. Boobsong holds it up smilingly and I bite off half, munching happily.

Which yes, really fine chocolate can be pretty great, but also...there's a kind of sex I don't like so much, that always looks so ethereal--it's hard to explain. "Classy", maybe. Like your bedroom has all nice candles and fancy reclaimed wood and your lingerie is very fashionable and everything is just so like a nice restaurant, and...if people are into that stuff, more power to them. Gourmet restaurants are always doing really weird stuff with food and giving you a rather Sugarfeasty meal of 700 different weird little one-bite things, and like that's not evil, but, I'm meant to be the looming question: do you like that stuff, or do you just feel cool doing it? Does it feel good, or just virtuous? Because look how much fun Rainbow and Boobsong are having with their Twinkie's and raunchy screaming monkey sex. That's daddy's statement about humanity and if that was making fun of us I really doubt I'd be his daughter.

Important detail though. In the reset-world there were games that used exploits like I'm talking about to keep people playing, and I hated them with righteous smity wrath. Isn't that the same thing as sugar salt and fat? No, and the reason is so simple. Candy and french fries at least make you feel good while you're eating them. Those games just keep you working using manipulation, as a replacement for fun. That is officially damned by the Sugarfeast Fairy. Pleasure is the whole point of it all.

I fingerlick up the last of the Twinkie and look at my sister, jamming away on her heartchild, just lost in hanging out with her eroven. She makes me smile.

Daddy's announcement, change gears, Earth, home, say the Dreams.

It's been making me feel crazy how all of this day almost has happened in little rooms and fake-seeming places (where was Rarity's shop actually?) and tiny toe-dips of outside like being on my tower-top at Strawberry Home. I couldn't even see the capital, I don't know what that was about. We got to go outside a little here, but it hardly counts, and now we're back inside in another timestop. It's making me feel like none of what I've spent my life trying to tell people about is out there and this is all just trying to get me to like deal with that or something. There've been little snatches and I've been able to use my Siren sense to see things and stuff but it's been so systemically not allowed to go out there I'm starting to feel lied to.

That's what comes up if we have to talk about Earth as home. Earth is here in the Four Dreams supposedly but I don't feel like I am. At this point it's easier to think I'm about to get told I'm still trapped on this planet for eternity than whatever this will probably actually mean. Like, I couldn't even see the True Sea in the background of my sister's fireworks show. I guess I have to admit that I'm starting to have a hard time telling anyone about the paradise I'm not allowed to see now matter how bad I fight for it.

Why are you rejecting me, Dreams?

Yes for the healing we've been down this road. I sigh. There's nothing new to learn here apparently.

I wonder what Redemption candy would do to me? Would that get me out of this prison? I really think I might stay through the whole nightmare to get away from this taunting, at this point.

Really, I don't believe this is about healing for me. Healing for me would have been what I tried and tried for years to do in the reset, going off with Boobsong to a part of Rl'yeh Sade where nobody'd ever heard of Earth and just living, but we kept getting spiked out of that. What I see here is just the ongoing fight to un-dragon-chomp me. This goes on until I abandon the name Rainbow and all of this. If I'm going to be connected to any of this stuff, it's going to come with the unending sacrifice of never seeing paradise because of this stalemate with Boobsong's having chomped me and that being what I deep down want the Dreams have been fighting.

If we conflation-jump every moment I'd be spiked from actually being in Paradise, what then? Could we use it to end this trying to spike me back out of being dragon-chomped? What could we do there? Fire the Heart-stop Gun. Just make it mutually assured destruction. What then, though? Paradise doesn't want me, it wants...what even?

This is all just killing time. That's the real answer. That's always, always, always the answer. There is no Paradise. Let's go to the Armory and figure out how to save our friends from whatever this is.

Click, chomp.

Lasergrids deposit us there.

Dolly do you know who's been playing us? Like what even is all this? There's no Paradise, or we'd have seen it, but what have we been dealing with?

[ Jenner box ] [ Aveh's pudding ] [ drink ] [ hook ].

I want something from you--

[!] [ upside down triangle ] [ pudding ] [ rainbow pop ] [ Boobsong ] [ thanksgiving with family ] [ powerlines into water ].

Where was the bedroom the destroy-Rainbow team kidnapped us from? Was that Heart Home after all and all the pain of Rada and all that was that which was why the flashback?

[ kid painted mountains ]. [ broken window ].

Yeah. I'm just looking for any moment we've really seen it. I guess the Mechanical Heart. Walt's little crack is helpful there. And Ragnarok.

[!] [ melting frosty the snowman ] [ book pages ]. [ crack ] [ honey ].

I'm sorry, dolly. I'm trying to climb for enough to do that much.

[!] [ 9 of Swords blanket ].

[!] [ eating pudding ] [ keys ] [ hammerable monolith ]. [ key being inserted ] [ broken artist ] [ almost there ]--

Dolly telling me almost there drives a wedge between us. Don't. You know that. Why would you say it? Even if it's true.

[ letter ] [ food ] [ monolith ]. [ game ] [ reactor ].

Your Boobsong is saying it because when you eat there's a monolith. It's like the other one.

[!] [ blueized ] [ predator ] [ covering ] [ garage door ]. [ baseball batter ] [ turkey ] [ spiked ] [ rainbow going down ] [ bush plane ] [ remember Disney ride ].

There can't be nowhere. There has to be someplace we can even see. 

[ pudding ] [ after dinner mint ] [ Saturday morning ]. [ Ride ] [ Earth ] [ open eyes ]. [ sugar ] [ umbrella ] [ foot measuring thing ] [ faraway guy ]. [ curtain sky ] [ compass ] [ aveh ] [ Rainbow head ].

Just the last.

Sky peeling back is how to get Aveh there so he can cover you.

So can we go out if we just go as Lucy and Lyra?

[ trapped ] [ Plowstar barn ] [ us psychic tent ] [ Earth ] [ message ] [ clamp ] [ drums ] [ harp ].

We're stuck in here doing implantings to get ready to tell Earth everything and if we go out we have to be quiet as Lucy and Lyra yes.

[!] [ Rainbow face ] [ lets go out to the movies jingle ] [ Viking ship ] [ flowers ] [ SDC ].

Please will you try eating some just a little bit? Be brave face so adorably hoping. This is really it.

I've been lied to and lied to. That has consequences. Paradise has to prove itself to me now. I've been lied to so much I can't even trust my own heartchild. I'll eat, but I reject this monolith until we get to go out.

As Rainbow and Boobsong. It doesn't make sense that we have to be hidden.

[!] [ short time ] [ hittable monolith ] [ Aveh ] [ worldgate ] [ coffee ] [ calling for Mommy ].

We're almost to the monolith. Aveh made the worldgate and you trust him. Wake up Mommy!

Why can't we go out as Rainbow and Boobsong? Do you know? There must be somewhere. None of this is that big that ALL OF PARADISE is in on it.

[ blueized ] [ watching ] [ wall of death ] [ wishing well ]. [ eravahk ] [ dragon mouth ] [ pudding ]. [ come back ]!

What harm does our fans seeing us back do?

[ broken rocks ] [ rainbow banner broken ] [ sheep ] [ empty barnyard ]

But Paradise did fail. I did get broken. It's lying to hide that this way.

[ old Q ] [ cordial ] [ crumpled ] [ us ] [ monolith / trojan rabbit ] [ trashpile ].

Why is your trust so strong? You have no more reason to believe "almost there" than me.

[ orange stuff ] [ folded Boobsong hands ].

Right now if a monolith comes I'll probably smash it sideways hoping that wrecks it. At best I'll be hitting it with doubt and hate in my heart.

[ cordial ] [ old Q ] [ doctor ] [milk-froth ]

Lasergrids put Daddy's pudding here when I think for it. I open it and take a big pull.

[!] [ message ] [ ice ] [ wild Boobsong face ] [ bus ] [ checkmark ].

I eat lots more pudding.

[!] [ purse clasp ] [ message ]. [ pricked finger ] [ lance ] [ balloons ] [ wagon wheel chandelier ] [ sword being drawn ] [ you ] [ neck brace ] [ gear shift ] [ drinking ] [ rocket ship ] [ heart ]...

She trails off, making some kind of sound my heart can't take the shape to hear. I try to close the pudding box, but it's stuck. Everything's gone black, I can't see Acme Station.

Click, Armory. Click, look (face).

Everything stays black.

I put out a hand and feel around, find the door of the Armory, it's there. I blink to third person and I can see Boobsong and me standing there, blink back, there's nothing.

What's wrong with my eyes. Click, scan.

[ lasergrid ] [ wall ] [ TV transmitter ] [ cut off sticks ] [ lasso ] [ bubblegum ] [ eyes ] [ up-pointing radio telescope ]

So what, I'm struck blind until I see the whatever?

No.

Then what in the fuck is going on? No. I don't get. I get my fucking eyes back and then we try whatever the fuck is going on here again.

Click, repair (eyes).

Mommy your eyesight's fine. It's your heart that's cold.

After a long while of fighting, I can see her face, then the Armory. I look around, at the darkness of the hangar, at the shiny traction flooring, at the gun rack.

What the hell was that? Did you try to take me somewhere?

No.

Did the pudding or something?

No.

Then what the hell was that?

Your heart got cold so your eyes got black.

It's been plenty colder lots of times. Why this now?

[ picture frame ] [ mantelpiece ] [ stairs down ] [ firewood ].

Then it was trying to show me visions? The pudding? Or you?

No.

You were seeing the stuff your heart put out.

[!] [ hand holding ViewMaster disc ] [ RAM chips ] [ boots ].

Do you mean you want to show me memories?

Yes. [ Trailer hitch ].

If you think it'll help--

[!] The pudding is helping you. Your Boobsong's visions will help you get going.

I try some more pudding, but barey get any in before I see a saxophone. Riker?

[!] Just let your Boobsong show you. There's enough pudding inside you for all of this.

I click the pudding shut. Okay, click, show.

[ Vision: holding blanket around self / zipper / dolphin jumping / eighties cars / Earth being pulled out of a shell / 90s sunglasses / knife slice ]

Comfort while unzipping--I can't read the vision after that.

Click, hug though. She snuggles up.

Don't read the vision just see what they show you.

Telescope. That one with the sphere on the bottom advertised everywhere in the eighties. It's on a picnic table. There's gravel underfoot but it's not Gravel. Hotdogs, it's a nighttime cookout. Helicopter, searchlight, but those are metaphors I think. Text I can't read on a black mirror, Boobsong working the grill, it's one of those national park ones. She seems happy. We're getting fucked and she's making it a handjob--no, I've got her with a big buttplug. I made her put it in herself, right there.

Nintendo stuff. Cables on the table, controller waiting. Backstage or something, light trestles around it feels like a tradeshow booth or something and Boobsong's sexiness is there in the middle, she's smiling and sitting--no, stuck on a pentagram. FF7 buster sword, Nintendo crate picnic table--that's a cutoff. Back to the tradeshow booth, antilight ray shining down. Daddy was watching there too. The blue crate means blueized things.

Mic stand, music stands, not that icky church from the rewrite what was this. Now it wants to be Dragon Rock from Game of Thrones. Pentagram gong black and silver. Barclay in the Nth degree, Earth with shield around it, Jaguar logo, this is all bouncing off something. Yes put the gun down I'm trying.

Antilight ray but a package. Toaster--like a wedding present. Pentagram gong, wineglass of dark stuff, my collar--but as formalwear. Boobsong tail, I think these windows are Park Street church, light-antilight rays shining down, Boobsong kneeling the congregation is what the word wants to be is to my left and she's facing me. Tiramisu--that wedding cake. Did that stuff fall out because I couldn't remember daddy there? Steel-white darkshine that isn't mine hangs over all of this. Daddy shining through a window in the background of our wedding cake. Silver words on a black page, someone pretty with a black bow, snake on a lectern's pillar like it the tree with the fruit from Genesis, cake server and knife with daddy reflected in them, a big window-skylight thing with daddy shining through it over what I remembered before as our wedding reception.

It would make so much sense for him to react to the mess with Christianity and Boobsong and me by saying yes he does bless us and throwing a big bombastic ceremony about it and all this stuff seems to be telling me that's what he did. We would all have fun with all the traditional wedding stuff put through our style but it's as "official" as can be if it's daddy throwing the party. It's so hard to be sure because that makes sense but that's what this is telling me.

Big fancy open-frame reflector telescope. Like almost a meter main mirror. Sparkly no-skid floor stuff, the kind that's like sandpaper stuck down. Dolphin jumping. Sense of being Up, it's dark, real dark. Boobsong in darkness. Glowstick-like lights. Now that Great Ball Contraption at the Boston Science Museum--like this is Boobsong and me on a date. Grill again. No I think the Science Museum means family day. That's a rewrite memory thing but still. Daddy shining down, the feeling of his light. Family together time but my mind cant process that and Boobsong in the same breath so this is fragmenting. Smell of cum like Boobsong and me have been fucking. Fishing rod hooked a big one, this is trying to pull me up, back to the cookout, I can smell it now. Was daddy there? Game, that one where you fit the pieces in before the time stops and it pops them back out. I think maybe daddy was playing a game with us. Picture of daddy with a piece cut out. Timebomb, mushroom cloud. Chopped ham. White paint squeezed out of a tube. I think this more cutoff.

Back to the game--I think that means throwing the pieces back out as they come back.

Folding fan with a picture of daddy on it. It was the strangest family feeling, he made me feel like a kid but I was with Boobsong, it's impossible to explain, but it won't stick--

Riker in that episode where he's being like mindraped and has the delusion that the play he was in about being insane is real.

I'm trying but I can't hold onto it.

Daddy again. Black flower. Powerline down into water except the vision is messed up it's just the powerline and no water and the powerline's not even a powerline it just looks like a crooked Amazon logo so I don't believe in it but my seed-ghost harasses me cruelly until I resolve to write it down in the book I'll write of this.

That jumping dolphin again, dark water. Abstractly a boat but it still won't turn into a memory. Roman numeral III makes my heart go cold and numb. Hatred and bitterness. My seed-ghost is driving a spike into my head to torture me into going on with this but I won't.

I shake it off and look down at Boobsong but my head hurts.

Your seed-ghost attacking you is not why it hurts. Your memories of Aveh's love are told to you by a spike in your head to express your pain about the reset life.

The only choice to make's how many megatons but there's nothing to blow up anymore.

The pain inside you is lights-out. Fire fury up.

How. I can't shoot up the past or I'd go right now.

The past doesn't hold you if you're here.

You know that's not the point. What's going on with Mother and dad and Verana?

They aren't here because their reset lives made them so hurt. They need time to come back from them.

I want blood. You can't bring this up without giving me something to kill.

The reset life is over now. The memories are happy here.

I know. That's not the point. I can't feel this anger without being able to do something.

Happy memories and anger are what you have. Use that anger to spark this love. Have the light to explode this pain and see happy life where this anger sits.

Bow and arrow. Boobsong across a table tennis table!? Oh it made her bounce around. Dad's face. Guitar. Bubblegum. Missing space on a game grid. Guy in a sailor suit. This is all wrong there's no fucking sailor suit!

Gas grill. I must be missing dad and Mother and maybe her handmaidens from the family day thing but I just don't remember being close to them. The antiskid is on a ladder step unless I'm just confabulating.

Your seed-ghost will stop you from confabulating.

We have telescopes because a good enough one could see daddy, like his light from across the astral. He could manifest on Earth somehow of course. Body clips on an RC truck. Eyes, like a star made of eyes. His heartchild? I want this to be that I'm remembering times Boobsong and me spent time with daddy, or felt loved by him. There's hurt there with Mother and dad, they didn't accept him back or something. Screw clamp on a telescope's viewfinder. That Christian combined X-and-P symbol. A perfume sprayer. The antiskid ladder is off the back a boat and it feels like skinny dippy or maybe I had an especially slutty bikini. Or lost some of it. The moon is out. This all is some big tangled mess.

My Mickey Mouse spoon. Lying on my side on a blanket, it's like a picnic, it feels like Disneyland, daddy but how, just watching? Trying to remember shows Plowstar Barn. Train signal something's off the rails.

Snorkeling stuff from the boat. Bioluminescent sea creatures, coral reef in a dark ocean but my light is lighting it. This is daddy showing us th way humans are beautiful to him. I stopped shining and little stars came out all around. It's not about not shining but in the darkness you see the creatures light and its beautiful. Memories of being in the water at night, it's romantic. Climbing up the ladder. Boobsong is helping me. When I try to remember the boat I bounce off. Oh it's some monstrous yacht. Yeah. It had this like round light above a door to the cabin. All very fancy. Like a hundred feet long or something.

Slip and slide? First thought is daddy likes to play with weather. My memory puts this at the Stamford house with snow all around but sunlight just on our slip & slide, but that seems too obvious. Maybe he didn't only do stuff for me. Gah, Redeemed must be even weirder for daddy than they are for me.

Daddy, powerful. Oh he like, would hook you up with some summer sun if you asked, it didn't matter who you were. I've been afraid to ask what daddy's relationship to Christians and all of that is, is he trying to discharge them all kindly or does he want to help the humans? I guess this says.

Battering against stuff that's not my life. It's all just a maze of rewrite memories. Without the ability to burn any of this I can't get the memories out either. I guess my seed-ghost wants them to stay, since it offered no help.

Conflation jump. We can go to every moment anyone knew anything about who I was in that life and blot it out--but that won't change my memories.

Daddy, when I try to remember more of the boat. I keep almost seeing a stereotypical captain in a white uniform but there wasn't any. Daddy piloting? Zillion ways he could have. That gives a memory of being underway, the happy fun feeling of the boat starting up under daddy's control. He took us boating.

Now back to the BBQ at night. The picnic table's rough and green. Why'd we end up on gravel? The gravel's something else. Meta. Gravel between toes here. I think daddy was heating the BBQ this time and it was fun to have someone else do that. Like not as a vacation but just to not be the only star in town. Way of being companionable. Maybe the gravel is that we're all angry together. Or like dancing on something's grave. Telescope lens, someone's looking at it like from outside. Doesn't feel like Boobsong. I want to say they're in a clerical collar.

Who is watching you look through this?

People. Come to our cookout with daddy. It's some pastor guy maybe, not literally clerical collar. High Priestess card. Some bigwigs. I think I remember lining the telescope up and then having them look. Bishop of someplace? Daddy'd go right to the pope, and plop him in the American wilderness. The gravel is this is soon after daddy came back and he's pulling his rank on the churches of the world here. Making them meet with Boobsong and me being ourselves. Okay pretty sure I remember my telescope guest in black priest garb. Like no cassock or anything just black plus collar. I don't feel so on the spot. I think daddy's hosting this.

Game buttons. Oh I think explaining my eravahk. I remember holding it out to show. Yeah, and then clicking Boobsong to turn around wave to us (she was at the grill). Made her come kneel to show how you point and click. Even I could smell it making them horny. Daddy--this was all his idea, on some level, either he asked for the demo--I think that's it. He was hands-on with this one, it was nice. Vague memory of black hair and a white body glomping a very surprised priest-guy. They were wearing daddy's collars, I think he might not have felt obligated to explain himself.

I keep thinking there's a bunch of people watching, or lined up to come hang out, like this is a stage-piece, behind my point of view--

When were you joined by the archbishop?

Hehe daddy drove him up in a bus. Daddy could drive stuff and he thought it was fun playing bus driver because of that in the Great Divorce. Especially for the archbishop of Canterbury I think? He was gay, heartchild's a blank in my memory which probably means boy...I don't think a direct dreamskin would've worked then? Like that can but not on him.

He wasn't gay.

Oh that's that other guy. So many fizzfrozen clergy. I do better telling Redeemed apart than them. Daddy, peacock feathers, I think this guy is Catholic...?

Oh but when were we joined? We don't seem to be punning on the admittedly trolleriffic idea of daddy making him officiate that ceremony with me and Boobsong--unless I'd candied him to be dressed the part I don't remember any boys there--I seem to remember just being there leaned against the table with Boobsong by my side. We were up on some hill. Daddy may or may not have made the bus fly. I remember the LCD route display. Did it say something fun? Paradise sounds right.

He had kind of flyaway hair, I remember thinking that as he got off the bus. He made me feel weird like boys always do. Heh, thus bus was an electric one, but it was miles from its electric grid. Daddy liked to play with all the stereotypes about him, so he was always like thunderbolting stuff in silly ways and such. He so would have at least once done the Monty Python dreary hymns thing I can't remember if he did.

Okay except I seem to remember the Monty Python god but wearing John Lennon glasses.

Because bigger than Jesus, you see.

So then what, he chomped away with his new heartchild or such? Chyajjoh party outfit, like with all the feathers. Daddy shining down. Oh did daddy send presents? I seem to remember something getting Lensed into being on the picnic table, not by me. Of course daddy wouldn't allow anything so boring for his priests as black and a collar. I remember priest guy getting undressed but I'm diverting myself with Boobsong because ew, still a boy. The flash of it's there pretty clear though. Oh I can't get his heartchild's build because they're weird like a filmy white gown like girls always have in Romantic-period paintings. Like a Nymph or whatever. Who knows sex under that, though I guess femme if the guy wasn't gay. Yeah because she had like a cute face, elfy like how Boobsong would be elfy if she wasn't demony. I think she whisked him away after he got changed. Yeah because I remember the quiet emptiness of the cookout place with just me and Boobsong after. I think he won me over some like they ofter do.

Did she change his sex there?

They played, I'm pretty sure. I seem to remember the sound. I thiiiiiiink that's a yes on sex change. I think she got him out of his clothes and did it? Boy, so I didn't watch close, and I always feel al little weird when new kids don't instantly run off with their heartformers, like I'm intruding on sacred time. I don't seem to remember making candy, so I'm pretty sure it was her nectar.

Candy didn't come into this.

Dragon maid. She took his clothes, they had sex, did she kiss him into changing? That feels right. One kiss, damn. I remember her reaching up to do it after he was down to underwear. Then some nice big boobs being gotten out of an undershirt that definitely didn't fit them. Daddy shining down, something like him laughing happily--did he ever use words?

I feel so tangled up about heart-sounds. Words with Boobsong has been so fiddly sometimes, but I feel like I have to pump my heart with both hands to make heart-sounds work, but she's closer in them, I can tell. I have the same with daddy.

I can't quite remember what daddy sent. My brain keeps on filling in this ridiculous (and worst of all unsexy) showgirl outfit I know is wrong. I keep remembering something being fastened around her neck, and sequins...oh a new collar. Sparkly. Are things messed up with my collar because I've been remembering what daddy made his preists wear? Like wouldn't mine be all rainbow, just like Boobsong's is all dragon?

Liquor bottle with a wooden stopper. Pouring, I seem to remember the two of them drinking a toast from silver glasses. The liquor was brown. Daddy's collar sparkling on priestESS lady. She's got up in something fun--no just the collar. That's what daddy sent. She came out quite boobalicious, in contrast to her innocent-looking heartchild.

Daddy's colors are clear light and antilight. A plain diamond collar would be his style.

Remembering this is hard, because my broken heart keeps wanting to make it into something insulting, haha got you good mister Christian man, and it's not that. I wouldn't want it to be that if it could. The idea feels awful. Daddy's devoted follower is being set free to follow her master's real commands, as herself. That's beautiful.

Daddy shining again, he seems happy. These are like psychic pictures of him, I don't think he loomed that big physically in the sky or why telescope. Was the window thing at our "wedding" a bunch of black mirrors? I think he might have projected in the sky for that one.

Coffee thing, instant coffee jar (ew). It's looking Mexican though? Wake up back to the hilltop I think. Peanut butter cup? No, they had like toast or english muffins with jam. Toast after the toast or some silliness. Or did I just make them tea? There must have been a reason they hung around, there always is.

Gel cell battery. Cables. Jumpstarting something. I remember them with brownies now. One of those like, model Christmas villages. Sounds like modelling something, so like, my relationship with Boobsong? Fancy sandwich. Oh maybe jumpstarting some being fun. A silly memory of them playing leapfrog? Maybe we all did. I'm not...no, like that was a doorway to bending over for more interesting reasons. Daddy made them, hehe.

Boobsong with hot pink fingernails, what was that? Scritches? I seem to remember her just working the grill through all this, which seems suspicious. I think she fed me and stuff. Hairbrush? No that's right, I had her generally taking care of me. The fingernails are that I wanted arm scritchies up from a hand massage. Boobsong gives amazing hand massages. Nobody else does it right to give tinglies.

CD cleaner, little blue pills. Clarify boner...oh did she get chomped? I can never understand why anyone wants our help with that! But then I can never get why anyone wants anyone but their heartchild in those first few minutes. She got chomped, yeah.

I really wouldn't think that'd be such a common kink. I guess that's the whole attracting kindred spirits thing, but you'd think Boobsong and me would have way fewer kids then.

How was it with chomping...hehe I remember the look of surprise and her heartchild's very Boobsongily mischievous face when it first went off. She was just sitting there facing her on the picnic table bench, and her heartformer was in the middle of eating toast. I think we snuck it up that way. I mean surely she must have noticed certain changes but maybe she assumed the obvious thing to pussily expect?

I'm having such a hard time staying on daddy's role in this. Backpack, I see, when I think that. Pliers. Oh that's human-dad's backpack from the reset world. Take away that. This is like somehow potholing into all that.

I don't trying to just remember this way is doing it. I need something to like break it open, like that journey with the StarFox Competition for celebrity. Like daddy could be pretty hands on in this, and we hung out, and stuff.

Stuck to Boobsong. He supported our relationship--oh back to the "wedding" maybe? Demon eye, but not Boobsong. He supported heartforming in general. Quill pen, I'm sure he had lots to say about it. Chainmail+rainbow, my Starlight Princess outfit. Like I know these facts. He came back and supported me, our whole thing. 40s Women's Auxiliary poster. Bridge from Final Fantasy which I think means get back to the wedding.

Cutting the cake. Window the background with daddy shining in, smooshing the cake all over Boobsong so I could slurp it off, so much fun. Daddy watched all that. It felt fine. Top step of spiral staircase. I'm about there with that. Yeah but I want to remember the whole day! Maybe it's not something you like remember events, just a happy blur of silly sexy play like that and dancing and food and stuff.

What happened after the cake? I stood Boobsong on the table for that. Then there was some kind of game.

Oh the slogan on the poster is "We can do it". Times daddy and us teamed up. The "how about a nice hot cup of shut the fuck up" poster now. Everyone's been saying what a surprise it was to find out I'd been the good cop all along. That was fun. Darkshining Monty Python god in daddy's colors shooting lightning bolts from his eyes--oh he's riffing on "God" from Star Trek V there, too. He had a really ironic dark sense of humor. It...really helped with all the Christianity stuff. It wasn't so crushing if you could laugh. Bitterly. I loved that stuff so much. What else did he do? There was the blowing doors off churches thing, of course, and the time I flew up on Boobsong to a storm he made to fetch a lightning bolt--pretty french-looking girl with a collar with a ring. Um. That really doesn't narrow things down, self. Did he make nuns get serious about that married to god thing? I'm pretty sure he did in general, and like, his point was calling out Christians in general on their whole "look how hardcore I am about following god thing of course this isn't supposed to be easy" thing. Stay and play hard with Aveh, or run to Rainbow and eat candy, though I have to believe he actually wanted the fringe of fanatics that'd leave him.

Goatee, but south park style. So the whole Jesus thing. Rareware logo. Working together. Asari. All-female. Daddy will not be making any sons. I have been trying to remember if he made himself an avatar, but it seems like the answer is no, he stuck with his "almighty above" game. Rainbow hair, me-face.

Aveh did the South Park Jesus on stage. He talked with an American accent.

No, that's what the Monty Python god was for, and I think he had a very English accent on top of it! He'd show up and join the banter and stuff. He could just manifest in the sky all huge, using the same Lens tech I'm using to be a cartoon right now. It'll do Python, I just like Disney. I knew him just doing that randomly didn't make sense, as awesomely surreally terrifying as that would be. He wasn't mean like that, though. If he was going to scare you he'd just be his giant black star self, it's plenty scary and it doesn't make you feel like he's taunting you too. That means he did do words, though, and creatively, not just heart-sounds. I'm grinning just thinking of this. We had lots of fun. I remember daddy's sense of humor was wicked. Ouch!

What. Yes I know there's something to find here that stuff was a goldmine, to say nothing of a fun way to hang out with daddy. That first standup scene from Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? Oh because daddy would encourage me and Boobsong to get kinky on stage, or just show my boobs (although that could be redundant). I remember the way that felt, so sexy which weird because like I don't think we had sex with him, just that it felt sexy showing off. This is very hard to explain and I'm ricocheting through pinches trying to remember. 

Can he help with stage shows in other ways?

I mean, he must have. He had the powers, no problem. Oh he could command people to come implant or see them, just for a start. He's got the attention to manage a crowd. That has applications. He can pick stuff up and so on...the whole giving me my dolly routine doesn't feel all horrible, but I seem also not to remember us doing that? Kermit? Oh and Dark Kermit. He'd egg us on to be very naughty. Churches were either nonexistent or very helpful, after he came back, that's why I remember so much tour stuff at churches. Ouch again! RRR!

Shining heart thing but it's red. Argh the whole Jesus thing. What did we say to that? That's...a disruptor pistol. Romulan. Womp womp Rome. I was dragged kicking and screaming before into "remembering" that what was left of the Vatican said I was the second coming and American Evangelicalism was deceived by the antichrist for not accepting me. Christmas lights timer. Heartwarming I mean argh. My birthday is Heartwarming which is the exact kind of weird little historical accident that makes this all such a mess. Daddy must have said that, of course, under mind control. But like, there's lots that not right about saying I'm Jesus, we already went through the huge giant drama about that. Drill, yeah, but that's not the same thing at all. Monty Python god again. Did he get me to go with that kind of irony? It would have fucked so many heads but it just doesn't feel right somehow. Anyway I'm conquest if I'm anybody, from the Bible.

Ouch! Humidifier, Sauron. Uhm. Ouch again AAH I'm trying sheesh!

What you have here will not be right until you have a heart-turn.

I am NOT repenting of not being Jesus. Even this story doesn't get to take me there. What're you talking about?

Not being Jesus is not the point of this.

Like did we just joke about it or something? Flan with like rainbow bits at the bottom? Again with Mexican food. The hell?

Oh for penis snakes taco bell and the mission bell thing. I still don't understand, seed-ghost.

Sexy disrupting heart-turn. Chyajjoh family memories.

That definitely clarifies things, in that whole "discovery of quantum mechanics" kind of way.

I hate these fucking guessing games. Do you mean heart turn as in like the Mechanical Heart? Talking about Sugarfeast and stuff?

Heart-turn is a careful reminder of what they expected when you contacted Aveh.

[ Vision: brush / ring ]

We all hoped he'd wake up for his daughter. I know I sure did. That's how I got so hurt. We didn't give up easy. But I think a heart-turn is a reversal like John went through as I revealed his heartchild to him.

I can't think about what, though, here, if not being Jesus isn't the point of this.

Bleah. This is all extremely not fun now.

[ Vision: moldy English muffin with fresh butter ]

Yeah that doesn't help me.

Dolly it's been way too long without you anyway. Do you know why we have to keep coming back to this Jesus thing? I've never seen the Dreams or a seed-ghost or anything go so far to force something on someone. This big long double-back really makes it seem...like what the hell is this? I'm starting to feel like I'm talking to daddy while he was dead, just when you thought the world made sense again, bang, right back in the crazy.

[ train level switch StarFox ] [ wild Boobsong face ] [ smashed silver ] [ apple ] [ drill ]. [ turkey drumstick ] [ sand dunes ] [ silver party balloon ] [ kimchi ] [ thumbs up ].

Mommy please don't go back this way it's hurting your Boobsong that your heart's so cold to our seed-ghost trying to get you here. This mirage is making your Boobsong's heart feel like a billion shreds in salt. This is good stuff.

Do I misunderstand what it's on about?

Yes.

[ pleading hands ] [ good thing here ] [ coffee ] [ AT AT ] [ table tennis racket ] [ literal soda fountain ] [ wind blowing guy ].

So like I'm still too butthurt about antichrist jokes or something like that?

[ cordial ] [ lion king holding simba up ] [ doctor light ].

Your heart-turn is to see this as fun and light.

I guess having the reset memories now and seeing Christianity from the inside, I know it's not. That stuff's not funny to me anymore. It just makes me feel gross and insane. This whole like, circle of this does. I'm not going to stop fighting this. If this has to go on we should just go off as Lucy and Lyra and never come back.

This hell I've gone through has changed me. Paradise plotted a course through nightmares and whether it could avoid it or not it still has consequences and one is that this just isn't fun to me anymore. I don't want to think about it ever again.

This is the final-final. Do I need to have her make a doomsday machine or is this over, seed-ghost?

I make a redemption-ish candy that'll just burn me until I think I am Lucy, and lock away everything that'd tell me otherwise, in my clenched fist, to show I'm serious. It's wrapped so I have to mean it, but I will. It's a black lifesaver.

[!] [ wild Boobsong face ] [ elephant foot ] [ kink bed but sideways ] [ thumbsup ]!

But why is it so important. Why fight me this way about it when I don't want to know? What's the benefit of remembering this? What good does it do anyone to dishonor the pain I and everyone else went through with the reset like this? What good does it do to make me feel insane and sick and hate myself even more? I want a fucking justification for this torture.

Your heart-hurt around this has Aveh.

Is there no way I can know him without becoming an insane disgusting sicko, then?

Explosion around here buried Boobsong at one time. You were very disturbed at having the sense of her love and you stopped your book.

That's not what happened at all! I didn't remember how to journey, or even that I was supposed to, and I couldn't see we were getting picked up by Rada, so I got stuck! How dare you try to manipulate me with lies like that. What the hell is wrong with you? Retract it, unless you want me to eat this candy so I can forget what a bitch you are.

This is the night--

I unwrap the candy, and bring it almost to my mouth.

Try again, seed-ghost.

Candy will not work to erase everything. You will still have parts you remember. It will make you sad.

You are thinking of Magical Creatures. Your seed-ghost meant Dreamless.

Why is it saying this candy will fail? Click, scan.

[ stamford ] [ precision ] [ Matrix stuff ].

Dammit, what a stupid bug. I burn the candy and make a new one that'll leave me as just a new Redeemed, but still in a wrapper and clenched by my side.

Why the hell are you talking about the reset as if I can learn anything about myself from it. Eden wrote me as doing that. It doesn't make that me. The reset's just literally the devil writing the world's cruelest coffee shop AU of everyone's life.

The reset life is your brain set backwards. You still have some about you that shows there.

No, I don't. This is moot, though, because there's no magic at all in the reset, not even the speck necessary for consciousness, so I can't actually have had any sense of her love. I don't think I'm being defensive here, seeing as my reason for stopping is even lamer.

What is it you even expect me to do? I can't just wish away the hurts that make me feel this way. Do you want me to try to candy them, instead, or something?

Your heart hurting said you know her. It would not be you without that pain.

What you can do here is feel that pain and allow the love to shine through.

I thought it not being me was the whole point of the reset? Like to just twist everyone's life as cruelly as possible?

The reset was not designed. It's a hack that Eden wrote to make Earth magicless.

There's no way the precision cruelty of the life I ended up with was accidental. Or how about Verana as a fundamentalist Christian? It's designed, you just haven't noticed yet. Or want me to think otherwise for whatever reason. I don't care.

I'm not going to make the heart-turn you were talking about, Is it enough to remember the facts?

Yes.

I don't even remember what we were on.

Starlight Princess and Aveh stage shows. He made light of your status as Jesus.

I thought we did the antichrist. Like and what a good little antichrist you are and stuff.

This stuff all hurts. I don't know the person who had fun with this--not daddy, me.

Or did we play both sides? Like I was whichever one was convenient at the moment. OUCH what in the FUCK! I'm trying to pretend it doesn't hurt!

Maybe the antichrist isn't a bad thing.

How very Paradise Lost of us. Uhm. I mean I didn't think so, and neither did daddy, but that's not news, why this pinching?

Crack, Finding Nemo Nemo, Yagi antenna. I guess this stuff is hearing my own heart-sounds like internal monologue.

I think daddy said he was proud of me. That sounds nice and I think it's real memory but I can't connect to the emotions. And like he knows who his kid is and it's me, not this Jesus character. Like because that's my sister.

Except he might not have known that then because time travel is really really annoying. I know it must be the real way it works in a nihilist universe where the laws of physics are suggestions for the dream logic to follow because it acts like a clever author got three quarters of the way to a coherent system and then didn't work out the edge cases or even off the happy path.

Anyway daddy. Like somehow we managed to take all the Christianity stuff lightly. Spinning plates? Heh, daddy'd be good at that. So I guess we were pretty definite on me being the antichrist instead of Jesus, but the wham line was the antichrist was the good guy all along? Revelation's real vague about what he's supposed to do that's so awful except take over the world and pull people away from the church and deceive the nations. Which I did. Like if you count letting Christians think I'm the badguy for the last. Except there were no more nations to deceive. I can see why that conflation jump worked so good, sheesh. I'm going to get a cinnamon treat if I don't watch out here.

Also being the antichrist fits my personal style much better. Saturday morning antichrist is the kind of messed up joke I'd like. Heh, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour--except that's probably daddy seeing Starlight Princess through a crack in time.

What's actually new here. This must have made for epic banter between the four(?) of us on stage. Like did daddy's heartchild get involved.

I keep on getting like flashes of silver and you-and-me attached and stuff dolly, do you know what that's about?

[ MontyPython!Aveh ] [ open treasure chest ] [ pebbles ] [ Lego police boat ].

Aveh being fun about you getting him heartforming rocked the Christians world.

Oh that's what's wrong! This is no good, I don't remember our kid AT ALL! Did s/he play Jesus? That'd have fucked some heads. What were they even like? Weird angel thing, I think. Because kind of that's what stars are. Oh is that the sphere of eyes? That was pretty, it reminded me a little of Boobsong's astral form. Peacock feathers again. Also tons of eyes. Jack thought Boobsong was a Cherubim (and now I'm trying to figure out if he wasn't technically correct mostly) and I think our kid's a lot like that. Like daddy's weird even for a star, his heartchild's not going to do anything so mundanely human as transforming into a Guitar Hero controller. Yeah I remember wings with eyes with daddy when they were doing the Monty Python thing, and like she's entirely astral so you only get the astral abstractions for a true form and those turn into a sphere of eyes or so squishing them into a human mind.

Oh and that was so fun because it was like, antichrist and her demon girlfriend are cool, their kid is this literally an angel. And like that's pretty much just true. Which then makes you consider what Jack had the vision to see about Boobsong.

I think daddy got pretty far with explaining exactly what decieve the nations meant. We got away with that not being a betrayal of my fans because instead it turned into god himself shows up and even he doesn't like Christianity, which made my fans feel safe with him taking part in stage shows.

Drill. Oh I don't think that was a secret. So many dick jokes. I think we made Trent Reznor regret the name of his band more than every fire-and-brimstone preacher ever could have. He did the not just the president, a client thing. Highly recommended having the antichrist ensnare you, too.

Which brings us back around to the archbishop. Daddy made sure his followers meant it. Baskers just come to an all you can eat buffet and do what they wanna. Daddy'd command stuff. Hop to, you're being prescribed heartforming and a much more convenient wardrobe! Really put the moral majority between a rock of ages and a hard Princess, hehe.

I know we had some fun with my like, dark lord side? Maybe? Yeah because you could get me to get one of those guns out of Acme Station's armory various ways. Daddy, plus a weird dizziness? Something with Chernobyl...or like the whole light/darkness thing. We played with that real good. Oh because my antilight thing goes along with my liking "base" stuff. Darkness in itself isn't a bad thing, which we showed by playing silly with it. Like daddy thunderclapping along to If You're Happy. I can take or leave their work somewhat but I looked up to guys like Tommy Ungerer and Hunter S. Thompson (whose typewriters regularly found out what the only choice to make was) because they could embrace their darkness with some sense of fun. That reminded me of the Strawberry Empire in a good way.

This idea that I had a whole like Dictator-Despot act complete with sunglasses and gun and fascist hat keeps coming to mind, but I think that's like, metaphorical, at best. I just didn't pretend the gravel between my toes wasn't there. Daddy approved of this? Daddy as Minecraft creeper. Uhm. Oh he likes to blow stuff up too. Enjoys a good storm, like that very excellent Plutonian blizzard. I seem to remember aetherwork was really wiggly on Earth, but daddy had the knack (I just made and controlled my hurricane by blowing up the lower atmosphere carefully). Like we very much taught and modeled that those impulses are something you can use well. Sometimes just by working it out ridiculously. Like I think this actually happened, but we would have done it, there was a stupid stage show game of seeing what happens to various things when they get struck by lightning. Yeah because for bonus insanity me or Boobsong would usually hold the whatever for daddy. And we'd play games like having the lightning bolt jump from me to Boobsong to whatever we were zapping.

Titan from attack on titan. Uhm. Like that makes me think mythology. Did Earth have real gods? I guess it must have. Like other than me and daddy. I think they found themselves in some trouble, heh. The emotional memory I have just says they were very naughty and got sidelined instantly when we took over (my tentacles made short work of the Strawberry World's barbarian gods remember). Pagans...like why bother trying to remember stuff, people must have thought so many things it's just mush...Copper's family. Had no idea what to do with me except run run or they'll be well done (did FF6 get made in the real world? It looks a little like the how the reset seems to have made people feel, except naturally with me as a big bad). But like they were redoing Jenner's mistake. Daddy and me didn't take kindly to that. I surprised there was anything of that left for daddy to stomp real good when he came around, after I'd had at it, but there was.

Batman logo? Plan. I mean he did have plans for the world I and my sisters and our heartchildren were part of, before everything got all confusticated and bebothered (ooh, I can go personally congratulate John for those words now). How inconvenient of him to have it neither be peaceful meadows nor an Objectivist Cashtopia, heh. This goes somewhere, though. Not upending what we were already doing.

I'm trying to think what the average pagan would even do with us. Sends the gods packing, phenomenal cosmic power, not of the Earth, definitely gives not fucks what the natural order was supposed to be...I remember feeling fun about this. The closest place to find us was the Lovecraft mythos. We must have played with that.

Thinking about plans makes me think about him at stageshows, but that topic feels tired for a minute. Like we're done or there's somewhere else to turn.

Waverunner--a reset thing. Missions trip. Like I was supposed to travel the world doing my thing, just like I was touring. He very annoyingly to Christians really approved of what I was doing, especially if I was breaking the world by doing it. The reset world especially was a tangle of people thinking interventionism was a terrible idea and history backing them up. Daddy...doesn't think that way. He and me agreed that Earth was a bunch of people stuck in a collapsed mineshaft and whatever Important company Property needed blowing up to help them until they could be got out had better heh say its prayers. Like my brain keeps going to thinking about how daddy's extra power changed things, and, that's not how it was. We didn't need extra power but his new face really changed things. Oh this gets around to what I was trying to be told in the Mechanical Heart except everything was all bad because I could feel something was wrong with the destroy-Rainbow club. Daddy vouching for me got us in new places. Go see the Starlight Princess tour, god says to. I remember it feeling so good to have his commission.

Turkey baster? Both uses would be more Dove's department! There's implantation I guess. Did we play with the Virgin Mary thing? You'll get blue anything nowhere near me after the other night! Unless it's Mintie. She's not very virgin though I don't think. Something something su'khora as virgin birth. Although not usually when I'm doing a personal implantation. No corkscrew apple...oh like the no demons allowed thing. Daddy sent me a lot of places to set that right. I mean do su'khora even really technically count as demons? They're emosynthetic, so I guess, right?

That way of looking at it feels like so splitting niggling hairs I want to scream. Christianity had them as demons, so that's the reality we dealt with, and it wasn't by getting technical about whether they are or not. Yeah they are, you've been mislead about what's allowed, get yerself heartforming. It was as simple as that. Trying to wiggle around Boobsong being a demon with this implantations tonight has felt yucky, not least because we're both perfectly well proud of her succbus-ness. No more of that, then. Storm front flag. Daddy got right pissed off about that whole situation, being as he both mean his daughters to heartform and ended up with a heartchild of his own. Not very nice to racists, was daddy. Which makes me feel terrible about about how much of that racism I seem to have internalized, even just in the sense of what I think people can handle, and also really sorry to Boobsong, who deserves my unabashed pride.

Crystal wineglass, place with pillars. Rainbow stuff. Globe. Strawberry--memory of sexy stuff. The feeling of being taken care of sexually like the world embracing our love instead of bowing down in fear. Like Verana but not her or the Heart Church. Pants down, a silly joke for someone who never wears them and totally intends to be seen. My memory wants to see marble and high halls and echoing space. Napoleon, conquest. Except I think daddy doing the conquering this time. He was good to us. Determined to take care of me now that he was back and could be a father to me. He was good, too, never overbearing, but always there for me. Like with this huge church he gave us for a house. I feel touched and like a little...a little hard hearted just because I've been forgetting the care that was there anytime I wanted to reach for a hug. That's what that weird sexy feeling is too. Daddy liked to watch us play, was always so encouraging and inspiring and this is so hard to explain like it was never the least bit weird or bad. I just felt cared for and upheld. And close to him. Being me and with Boobsong means like...I mean I was made to be a lust goddess that fuck that talks to you joke is pretty ha ha only serious but even when it's not literal you kind of don't know us if you don't know us sexually, like if that's not on the table in front of you like it just was for my sister there's kind of a wall up. Actually I think my heart's kind of broken there, with the way I've been acting. Daddy never hard a single problem with it. He knew what he made. So this feeling of being held, this way, is him, but it's a spark I can't see concretely yet.

Verana. Oh! I remember her crying to have him back. Like she really truly loved him. But what's this cathedral memory? Pet toys. Feeling like a kid running out to the playground. Somehow this did get tangled up in my need for Boobsong to be my Keeper. Like it feels like I grew out of human mentors' care but I still wanted my daddy maybe. Flash of that Disney ride dream as we were remembering how big we were, like I'm not getting how cool this was. Feeling of like the Stamford house, but there's something that wants to break through, daddy encouraged don't I know what that means at least abstractly and the Stamford house was full of Strawberries out love was hardly unwelcome there but that's the point but I can't break through to it.

Memory of the girl with the black bow on her head and book (I think) from our "wedding". Officiant? Flash of daddy. This is what's become of Christianity. I think what happened was he didn't make it merge into the Heart Church, because...he didn't consider it his thing? Like we'd been going on our own so long it was Verana's show. And mine I guess though I still say I was the face. Oh I think this might be more antichristing, like I supposed to pull people away from the church basically because daddy doesn't want subs who don't mean it. The Bible just didn't mention we weren't enemies. Good to have a viable alternative, it gave daddy the ability to get hardcore when in the Strawberry World he did a lot more caretaking like the Heart Church was doing.

And we never worshipped just one star, that I can remember. We had such killer clockpunk for our tech level because of Uncle Dagon, for instance.

Yeah because the antichrist or Satan or whoever is all supposed to be telling people to rebel and be gods of their own and that's me Princessing people and the wham line is just that daddy approves of that.

But the girl with the bow on her head. Is some kind of key. Is she how the archbisop ended up? I remember her as small and cute. Maybe I only met the archbishop while I was sitting down. I was surprised remembering with the archbishop it wasn't a bitter fight or really horrible for him. I keep being surprised how much people accept all of this. Is that what's blocked out? Daddy had plenty of followers who did mean it, including for the wild ride he took them on after he came back? The girl with the bow is saying something very officially and it's really cute.

I know what the problem is and I think I'm going to have to talk to daddy but I don't even think that will fix it. It's like that part of me is just plain stuck. He could heap all this care on me are more too and he probably will when I come out of my little hole I've been hiding in but won't make things any better though I feel the love and see the thoughtfulness that goes into it. Even with Boobsong I can't get much further than just thinking it's not trouble--she's the closest but it's different, our relationship keeper and pet. I feel I have something to bring her, I can understand the joy I give when I sit chained up between her paws with her neck curled around me.

I just feel like such a pain. If I hadn't been so--these are such insane thoughts--so needy for Boobsong, so all of it, the Empire's life and Mothers and everyone's would have been so much easier and I just feel like loving me the way daddy does is a lot of very thankless hard work and this nuts right but it's not rational everywhere I got feel like that even to the point of like, I must have made Earth so unhappy reshaping it my way which doesn't even make sense most of that was Verana and my tentacles and the people outside looking so my kind of weird are the ones who'd find themselves in Paradise and almost first thing go stand in a coldass street waiting to catch a glimpse of me so of course they're looking like they happily do things my way but it's not rational it's just this gross blanket that settles over every time somebody does something nice for me like it's snowing tax forms.

I can pull memories back through that if I fight but it's like it scrapes the meat off them. I really have no idea what to do. Daddy was really caring and kind and he doted on me and I think he loved doing big bombastic stuff for me like that blizzard on Pluto that doesn't even have an atmosphere really and...I just feel like such a pain anyway. The reset life had me hiding away being trans (it turned me into a boy, see, cruel intention, not just random) and gay and kinky and heartforming all buried invisible even to me under the knowledge that stuff made me a ticking time bomb that'd destroy my family's whole livelihood if one single bit of it got out but that's just the reset representing how I felt in the Strawberry Empire it's just there I finally had the guns to make them all dance around me instead of Boobsong and me having to hide.

What do I do here? I'm kind of scared to keep trying to remember because I feel like I'm just forcing it and it's hurting me just as much as if I was just being told. That journey with the StarFox competition to help me remember celebrity was really cleverly done to make me feel how people loved us before we saw how we reshaped the world. It let me believe all that stuff happened because people love me so much before letting me know the power I had and I need to believe that's because it was trying to tell the truth about their love before the power would make it so I couldn't see. This isn't doing that but like, as powerful as I am I don't think I ever pushed daddy around. Maybe I just felt like his feeling responsible was enough.

Like don't I deserve some care from my creator, though? We gave kids a lot more care in the Strawberry Empire than America gives, and I thought that was right. This all doesn't...like in the reset I felt bad because my parents so didn't sign up for what I turned out to be but isn't that what parenting is aren't you signing up for whatever the kid turns out to be no matter what well no says Christianity because if the kid doesn't follow these parameters they're broken. Our last conquest's feelings were pretty relatable really. My parents were nice but I so wasn't suited for them. That can't apply to daddy though, he had lots of control over how I came out, and he knew I would heartform, and like he had a whole plan in mind and everything. Doesn't that mean I can expect him to be a father to the person he made which everyone keeps telling me I am but I don't wanna be a responsibility I want him to be glad I'm there.

Smell of rubber tires, it's the bike shop near here. Dad bought me a bike there when I was a kid, in the reset world. Plastic model V8 engine, another reset memory thing but could these be somehow dad in the real world. We built that together, he got it for us for Christmas one year and it was this big fancy expensive thing, see-through and motorized so you could see all the parts go, that was cool. Dad's not much of an engineer and model glue makes him really sick but he bought that to build with me anyway. So we could spend time together because he knew I like that stuff. He doted a lot like that, bought me electronics kits and stuff, but this is all reset world stuff, but in the real world he came back around Strawberry Home plenty often to see me and Mother, if he showed up at the gates he'd get taken right to whichever of us was free while they told the other one, and like, he brought me something at least one time I think. I was hungry for clockwork when I was little. My machine instincts wanted to be sharpened and they wouldn't be satisfied with just astral engineering when I had a physical body too. All his care is buried from me. I think he liked doing that stuff.

That engine model. Is like some kind of answer. Like dad was a wandering shepherd, not much of an engineer, though he respected and looked up to them. But he spent a whole bunch of money on that big complicated model to build with me. Is that from the real world too? Big complicated something we built together. Not the point right now. Daddy was the same toward me like, did he make up games for us to play together? Still not the point. He had himself a lust goddess and connected with me and Boobsong on that level which is what I'm trying to find and can't remember here and being unable to understand a father doing that like dad with the model engine because it makes them happy to spend time with their kid is part of what's wrong here.

Olympic Pizza? I mean he's been trying to be like that there with these implantations but I've been curled up in such a tight little ball I'm amazed I've managed to implant anyone let alone do it with daddy's help. It doesn't feel good shutting him out like that but his heart-sounds are so overwhelming, too.

I'm human. I need words sometimes.

Did you needing words shock everyone at Strawberry Home?

That's a weird thing to say.

Have the courage that eroven tell you true things for the right reason.

Your seed-ghost's thought is to make you close with Boobsong. Her needing you to listen with your eyes closed to hear thoughts from inside her is why Aveh's thoughts frighten you. Be at peace with Aveh's love opening your eyes to that by giving you heart sounds to chew on that would open your soul to her. Aveh likes words. Your family write songs and books. Her needing opening does not mean Aveh wants heart-sounds from you most. Just that he's willing to help you with Boobsong from your darkest hour.

That's like. I can't process that. He did that.

Love is opening inside you now. Let a heart-burst come.

He did voices. Not just Monty Python god he'd make up all kinds of ones. I miss his voices. They were funny.

Or just really scary but I like that too.

How is he he's okay right if we did all this stuff together we got past it right? The stuff I've been dealing with?

He's not feeling hard things to hear your voice.

[!] [ Aveh all around ] [ carry ] [ lasergrid ] [ star ].

But before I can say or do anything we're rushing up together journeying to the astral plane and then there's light and dark--

Daughter Rainbow, please come close and sit in daddy's lap.

Oh, he's that far--his light's so big--Boobsong grabbed yes move self you know how to go places in the astral plane--I go to move finally feel him reach out like an arm behind me and then he's just all around and I don't know if like I'm inside or what but all I see is that light shining off darkness that's him and I'm crying and crying.

Daddy.

Then just more crying for a long long time.

There's someone else here. They kind of feel like wings that're looking at me. Kindness shines out of her eyes, just like her mommy. I smile to see her. 

Daddy's big. I'm not used to people being as big as me in the astral. 

Rainbow child, meet us in intersection.

As he talks I find myself reaching out like a little kid clinging to hold on.

We'll soon be there.

Okay. Nodding. Snuggles.

It's hard to be here because I want to be and it feels good but it feels like machines in me are trying to just curl me up and I DON'T WANT THEM TO but it keeps happening. I cry more and he ssshes comfortingly.

What's happening--it feels like I'm gently put off his lap. I see all his happy light again. He shines like this when he's excited.

Then I get pulled back down and we're in Acme Station's armory again and Boobsong's standing there looking up hugging me.

I hate that that was all I could take but it was.