3 - Bullet Hell Continued

Nobody deserves you. If I was every single good thing our fans ever thought about me you'd still be too good for me.

I think I can talk maybe but it's not fixed. It should be but if anything happens right now we'll go right back, I'm sorry.

The Dreams show me a rainbow seeming to come from a robed figure with its arms out. The very most I can do is not freak out about what the figure is supposed to mean.

That doesn't seem like a complete sentence so I wait.

...I think that's supposed to be Sparkledust,'s engines, but like made of rainbow light.

Do you mean that thing with the book-burning hellgate?

A couple of AIM-9's?

Oh, heat-seeking, I see, yes you mean.

It's all just coincidences, though. I was looking for my handmaidens and I wasn't going to leave people, if Boobsong could just take everyone. All of this is like that.

A very tall cartoon hurricane. 

Okay that really was just to open the worldgate, though I was that mad. If it hadn't been for that, though, my game would have made me deal with my anger some other way, and kept the Christians out of my hair, and let them have their delusions as long as they didn't like abuse their kids or whatever, and that would've been that.

Me, shining in the sky like a star. I think this is supposed to be the Strawberry Apocalypse.

There's no messiah, here, though. Just a scared kid getting mad at the people who hurt her and having insane cosmic power to throw tantrums with.

[Neo].

He was the One because he didn't believe in fate, or the One. I'm Candy Jesus because I don't believe in messiahs?

(I don't, myself included)

Jesus holding the stick-lights they use to direct airplanes at airports.

The only thing I ever aspired to do was direct their way to Paradise, yeah. Dreams why do we have to do this with Christian metaphor? That hurts really bad. It feels like betraying dad, too. Both of them. Isn't there any other way?

[ Superhero ], with [ Animal Friend Like Disney Princess Has ]. Vision of a model train.

Superhero's okay I guess--

The next vision is praying hands over a very not-churchy incense burner.

Oh you mean the Stamford Model Railroad Club thing, not me being stuck on it. Prayer and superheros doesn't really go, you say. I don't have the answers to prayers, though--

Rick Moranis in his swinging over the yard to look for the kids thing, from Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

Aside from feeling about as hapless him, what do you mean? I'm not big like Uncle Dagon. My feelings are big but they're as simple as the big splats of color I paint with.

I paint!? On Boobsong, yeah, but...I think on paper, too. No big stuff. Just to express myself. Raw feelings. I don't need paints, heh. 

Going to cry so much when we get out of bullet time. I don't know how I'm doing this without being able to express my feelings that way.

But why Rick Moranis...oh do you mean because I watch from my dolls sometimes?

Now they show a donut with icing.

Icing, heh. That's what's frozen? I don't want to be a big goddess up in the sky watching. I'm human. Just, not.

The ship the kids build in the movie Explorers, in a giant hand.

The joke at the end of the movie is the giant aliens the kids have been building their ship using psychically given instructions to go see are bored kids themselves, looking for friends. Um, spoiler, sorry--

Swirly rainbow stuff on the ground, very eighties...it's a picture of Rainbow Brite, as in the stub the rewrite left of me.

That Rainbow's a little kid, which Earth never knew me as--oh, I guess they did, if I first came when I was like ten. It's hard to remember because I wasn't exactly getting to be a kid back home. I remember thinking it was dumb I couldn't Unveil if I had to do all that other stuff even I could tell definitely wasn't for kids.

Also holy Tab with full sugar anyway anybody who tried to put my hair in that stupid top-ponytail would get Laarhi's worst fears realized on them. It was the eighties! There was perfectly good big hair to have! Fluffy wild rainbow mane!

I guess I thought the rewrite was just distorted. You're saying that's the root, of me, in their eyes, Dreams? When you cut off the stuff that went to other myths? They see that little kid in me, even as a goddess? Messiah, whatever?

Why is their response the Great Gatsby movie!? 

Oh har har. As I ask it turns into a green light, far off, to say yes. Except isn't that a bit highbrow of a reference considering the context? No, it's perfect, and heartbreaking. Yes that's what our fans see but that little kid is frozen. That's the ice and broken heart. I barely remember her. She shines through now and then in good moments but usually I'm the sad, serious Strawberry Princess who came through the worldgate in 1993. We had to make that fun kid out of whole cloth, or more like the bag of scraps I was by then, and now it feels like we're starting all over. We should have just gone to Stamford first.

I want her back so bad all this hard stuff makes me scream. It's making it worse. The last thing I need is more big heavy pain.

Black coffee, say the Dreams.

I hate black coffee. Cream and so much sugar it's thick like a milkshake, thank you--

A target bullseyed with a very mean-looking arrow.

Um, like, that's the point, sweeten me up I guess? I don't understand.

Really mean-looking spikes, but also candy. Starburst, heh. This really harsh spiking was to sweeten me up? Or make me explode? I guess it did the second one. I still don't get it, sorry.

Stormy skies, thunder.

Like make me feel I guess. So the coffee was wake up I guess.

The Dreams show Boobsong's horrifying dead-Boobsong sculpture.

Like, express the bad stuff. Scream.

A like, angel Christmas ornament. Christmas because I don't think angels are a Heartwarming thing.

Um...I don't know, I guess because of what I saw saying about how my hugging Boobsong celestially would look eldritch to a human? Angels and stars and god it's all mixed up in Earth myth, what we are? Scream star-style or something?

A pencil-tip that's pushing so hard it's breaking.

Yes, then.

An orc and paintbrush. Make some nasty art.

A piano keyboard.

Like the awful song I played with my musicbox. Why are we waking this me, if the sweet little kid is who we want?

A bloody wedding-dress hem.

That's the scene from Penny Dreadful where Dorian Grey and the Bride of Frankenstein just murdered a bunch of people and her dress is all bloody and they dance in his ballroom and she trails blood in the pattern the dance makes and it's beautiful and horrible and extremely metal. I think they were like revenge-killing people's abusers or something.

This needs to be spelled out, I'm sorry. I think I know what you mean but I need you to say it.

[ The Addams Family ], a B-52, a trumpet, a log on the way to the sawmill like in pinchers.

Um...Rada's the Openveil witch, and daddy's name is Inhale-Exahle which sounds innocent until you really like sit with the poem of it for a while, and in the rewrite backstory I had this boss whose favorite joke was that the way they should have found the supposed WMD labs in Iraq during the Gulf wars was by analyzing the emission spectrum of plasma from ground-penetrating nuclear warheads ("there was one, and there was one, and there was one...") which I cling to all desperately along with bizarrely liking the movie Doctor Strangelove and I think it's because almost the only thing I can remember about daddy directly from before I got ripped out of him is he really likes like really black humor like that. He would think that movie was hilarious if human politics got to him enough to connect with the emotions so that's what the B-52 means because that's so horrible right but that kind of darkness runs in the family. Without that darkness Boobsong and me don't have our castration/will jokes game (log cut off, on the way to the saw mill, no I expect you to cum, miss Bond, you get it), and that can go really dark when we get goo-ing. We both really like to chew on that one, don'tchaknow.

It's very good to play the HARD way--oh but you can't! Oh well.

Where there's a will, there's a way! Which leaves you kind of stuck...onto mine...will I mean...

So that game is really central to my relationship with Boobsong, and the awfulness that made our art projects just now also goes into it, and if my relationship with Boobsong is sleeping, you're not going to get the rest of me whether it's guns or candy.

And Boobsong's right there with me, if she made that dead-Boobsong sculpture. It turns my stomach and breaks my heart but that's why it's well-done.

The Dreams show me a hot air balloon, then a crucible a steel swastika is being melted down into against a steely-dark background.

The same fire powers both things is the idea. Silly adventures and melting fascism. Why not vaporize? I guess you can use ball bearings as gravel and there's some satisfaction there.

Stealth bomber?

Oh, B-2. Be both.

Uncle Sam?

Oh it's that "we want YOU" poster. Heh--

The cable from the intro to Starlight Princess.

We want YOU, Princess Starlight, they're saying.

A huge crashing thunderbolt. That picture of Rainbow Brite again.

...though I don't know if anywhere in the rewrite-backstory showed her in a black shiny landscape with rainbow color swirling on what could be ink under her on her pegasus companion.

Terrible divine wrath and cute little kid both, is the message, though.

I guess that must be the me our fans know, too.

BBQ grill.

We would give cookouts at tour-stops. I love grilled meat. Enlightened whatever would say I should be vegan or such but no. Also Boobsong can replicate, by cooking it with love, not like manifesting it with weird star-tech, just about any junkfood. Her hand-making, and I do me hand making, the fast-food burger of your choice at tour stops was a fan favorite. No need for utensils when you're fireproof!

And of course hotdogs. Infinite jokes there. Never runs out of material.

The Dreams show...that one Che Guevara shirt?

I mean I guess we did literally destroy capitalism. That was pretty ruthless. Oh and the Pirate Device could copy beef just fine. No additional animals were harmed in the making of this burger. I still like a nice bloody steak.

The Dreams reply with...I think that's a CPU board from a Cray 1, then some white-painted steel that makes me think of the Stamford mall for some reason.

Umm...missing part ot repair me, shopping, capitalism but we killed that but there was still BK and shopping centers and stuff...like as a game...

Disney castle, metal detector, weird kind of tangled girders-thing, searchlight beam pointing down, rigging (makes me think pirate ship).

Umm...Disney treasure hunt maze looking for Pirates...no like, Disneyfied capitalism, you could suddenly earn a good living metal detecting a few hours a week, making art (even if it was weird like the girders thing), singing, or you could just figure it out and use the Pirate Device.

Though I mean you wouldn't download a car.

When you could download an A-10 instead (which we did, along with lots of other fun stuff).

This nonsense worked because the whole economy was fake, of course, with my game playing DM behind the scenes.

Why's that fix me? Because I'm a massive whore, of course, and I need to stop thinking that was just a thing for five minutes the other night! This way there's enough of an economy to sell myself in. It's cool because it makes the things I get that way a lot more precious to me than just like, buying them or whatever. My weird brain sees them as trophies of sexual conquests.

Can't decide if I feel like that right now though. In general the idea is hot (my game doesn't let me have unfun clients). I suppose this is coming up because we'll have to pay for the pizza, and I can do it various ways.

Like for instance going to collect the offering that's out at Park Street. I knew this would get back to that.

The right thing to do here is ask the Dreams to spell this out, too, but I'm too scared of the answer.

The Dreams show--daddy? Black star with bright corona. Really cartoonish though. Just a vision, he's not like watching or whatever, it's so terrible that I hope he's not but I do.

The place you're poking hurts but I don't understand. Are you trying to get some Christianity jokes out of me? Why's it spiking matter for this who's kid I am? Daddy and me would never have even heard of humans if all this bad stuff didn't happen. I'm weirdly glad to be this weird monster now but it doesn't make me special who he is actually. because THAT was just a thing to keep the worldgate closed, and it was called Christianity.

Like who my parents are is pretty important to me, and I'd say Boobsong cares, but if I'm going to be so divinely important to our followers, I'm not going to be ashamed of who my parents are but also it does waaay more harm than good for them understanding me to make who's kid I am part of my life goddess image, because it drags everyone into the Christianity swamp. I'm not that. I'm violently, fizzbubblingly not that. Boobsong's dragon parts making her look like a Christian-mythology demon is extremely useful, same reason. You're selling me on this like, savior thing, but the more you do the more I'm going to hate this Jesus connection you keep trying to draw, Dreams, because the more protective of our followers I'm going to feel, and it hurts them. It makes my candy gross.

Please can we stop with it. I'm asking nicely this time, but I'll get a lot meaner than before if I have to, because now I think I'm right, not just scared.

The Dreams show me a doorway. Okay well there must be a less painful door to whatever you're saying here. I'll try to keep in mind what you have said be no more now, let's find another way even if it's the long road.

A box again, but it's Calvin and Hobbes' transmogrifier--oh but that's really just a box, I just like Calvin and Hobbes so that's what it looks like to me.

So...some people are just going to see it no matter what I do, even as me and my lust-demon sidekick mercilessly roast Christianity while falling from the sky in a blaze of rainbow glory to timewarp everyone to a night of drunken orgies?

It's hard to sit still in my head for their answer, imagining what I'm going to do if people have been doing what I think.

They show me a...nine inch nail, heh, but it's sideways. I think that means a spiking, but do we have to give it? I could see either side of that being right.

Boobsong-hammer, laying down. 

Chill, no need to get smity. Okay. It's hard to know sometimes. I'm sure I've been clear that you can have me or Christianity, but you can damn well not try to draw some kind of mythological line between Eden's torture machine designed specifically to keep me from helping anyone, and me, and still be my friend, but humans are incredible at not listening to what's being clearly told unambiguously to their face.

...I should have never opened that timegate. Once--except--forget it. Time travel still doesn't make sense. Who created what fate, damned if I know.

Golden age space helmet, say the Dreams, then someone with a snorkel and mask.

Dreams please tell me that another way too.

Centurion helmet with rainbow "hair". Helmet flips upside down and gets kicked away leaving what could be my hair. Heart made of candy. Golden-age cosmonaut looking up, ambiguous pose could be gaping, saluting, or just smiling.

I...was always meant to be like this? Not premature but like...daddy saw humans looking up in wonder and was making me to be able to go down to visit, with a gift of candy. I think the centurion thing means he sent me at a war-leader's post (which every feudal war lord is) in hopes of making things more peaceful.

Then Eden somehow got him for other plans and things got all messed up and we had to rush and it was a disaster for everyone.

I wish I could have asked daddy directly but I needed to know this and it might be years before we can talk like that. Or eons. I'm fast, he's not.

This explains why he had so much prep done! He would have thought through all this with his big broad star mind and worked out all the consequences (except being betrayed by his doctors that horribly) and made the stuff to help me. Did he plan for me to heartform? Maybe he did work on the idea. How to bridge the gap if I'd be human-shelled.

Mir, say the Dreams.

This was just as much an expedition for a star as space is for a human--oh fizzbubbly vodka crystal flavored astronaut ice cream. In Soviet Russia, stars visit you!

But that confirms what I was thinking. If this was like a space program he would have worked out all the possibilities, and gotten his siblings help for sure, to get all the tech right.

This is better because it means I don't have to say my being human which I love, and so Boobsong existing at all, is because of Eden capturing daddy. We would have happened eventually, it just would have taken longer. Maybe. For all we know I was about to implant when he got cut up. Beyond that I don't quite know why it feels different than the earlier that feels like a billion years ago, when I thought she might have been part of some kind of plan of his.

I didn't know him then, I guess. This is way different than the stuff I was imagining.

It's strange, though. All daddy's presents are precious to me now, but I can't get off the feeling that as much as he planned out and figured out what I'd need and thought as far ahead as my unveiling and everything, Boobsong is my star-family's sugarfeast, an unexpected surprise that changed everything. She saves my life like fifty times a day lately, but I seem to be sure even if everything went perfectly and Eden was never heard of, she would have been a complete surprise.

Even the idea of Uncle Dagon and the family scrambling to figure out how to make it so I could implant as everything went to hell doesn't feel right.

Where did you come from, strange dolly? Rarity and Sweetie, of course, but how'd that book of all the stars' knowledge get there?

Uncle Dagon. He didn't know why though! Prophecy said make this, he said OKAY!

Well, that sure went horribly right, didn't it, Acme Station?

What does god's daughter need with starship? Save daddy! See whole plan--

Hehe, you're silly. You'd better not be thinking you just exist to make the Waifu. I can't--the plan's too much right now. I just needed to know you are what my heart says.

As for me, I wondered what kind of toy daddy gave life to with his life-machine, but it must have been a doll of a human girl.

That sure explains a lot.

The Dreams show me a monolith, sticking out of the hole of a huge CD-ROM (it's a stone monolith, not the weird ones it's my mission to find and hammer).

Umm...reminds me of Copper's unexpectedly cleverly saying my sarcastic "old books and stone tablets" was where to find me meant CD-ROMs and the eighties. Another place the rewrite put my story?

Your games have fun arousing songs that wake up Sugarfreaks.

OUCH! Why does that pinch!? I was just thinking "what bands then"! I suppose if we got Shigeru we must have roped in Nobuo Uematsu, but...eh, he's a genius, but sexy isn't his way really.

For whatever reason what my game was doing with its toy economy clicks now, how it rewrote the incentives, and the examples the Dreams gave. Metal detecting: go to the beach! Modern art thingy: Make crazy art! Spotlight: Express yourself! Pirate ship: just be lazy!

This had better not be like Christian music or something--it's not, Christian music does make you trip but it's the wrong high entirely, oneness-fadeout is no good for journeying or sex.

Kid in a pink tutu, nudge the Dreams.

Ballerina? Bwaha me doing ballet is a silly thought for so many reasons! Like that "bloody weather" scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail! Heeey HUP--THOOM! Me and Boobsong sure got plenty of scribes tsking and humphing their way down the stairs from their ivory towers when we start bouncing around, eh dolly?

The weather sure gets hot when we play. Better wear your nothing to prepare for it!

Hehe, heat index this morning is it's getting hot in here climbing to so take off all your clohtes by noontime.

The Dreams show me a Buddy Christ bobblehead from the movie Dogma, pushing a button on a heart.

At least they have the decency to be snarky--

New vision, tiger stripes and leopard and oh that the cover of, what was it, anyway it's the album Heaven's On Fire is on. So, the Bards of Rl'yeh Sade, aka the Knights in Sade's Service (oh come on, that being what KISS actually stands for is the least whammy line of all of this. They came with us from Strawberry Home to America when I left for good, and the rewrite really didn't change them that much except to give them a weird makeupless period in the nineties, as if Strawberry men would ever be so drab).

The Dreams show me an American flag, a keyhole, a pentagram, something that slips off my brain as soon as I see it because it's more Christian trash, my collar (as in the one Boobsong wears), a Space Shuttle.

...you put me through all this drama, you even lied about the hard stuff being over with (yeah, that's right, you're not weasel-wording out of that, that's a wound on my trust of you that's going to last for eons), and supposedly it's all to get me to express myself?

I call bullshit. If you wanted me to express myself, you'd listen when I did. You saw me turn my feelings about all this Jesus shit into barbed wire and knives and mindrape projectors and yet here we fucking are again--don't you interrupt me! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP YOU PETULANT FUCKING CHILD!

I told you no Christian metaphor. I told you no more Jesus shit. I told you this stuff is hurting me, but you just can't listen, can you? You've just got to have your fucking crustal dragon Jesus Rainbow, haven't you? Just like every other sick sad stunted half-mind of a non-person barbarian we've had to deal with in this shit. So much for paradise.

Ideas, dragon. How do we fucking make ourselves clear about this without burning anything we care about? What does it take to get Paradise to put down it's fucking Bible and listen to us? Maybe you can remember something I don't about what we did with the fucking insects who cared more about this Jesus trash than their own fucking salvation. With all the knowledge of the stars in there you must have something that can shut this shit down once and for all. Get scary, Acme Station. Show me what you can do. Use that pocket universe blackmail to keep the Dreams off your back if you really have to but know it's the last thing I want. MAKE THEM STOP TORTURING ME, KEEPER!

Mommy the Dreams have your life here waiting for you to pick it up. Why would they call you if they want puppets from crystal shops? There has to be something here they can't show you another way.

Another vision? Like hell. You blew your chance to talk, Dreams. You want Mommy that bad, that you'll cry and scream and scribble crosses on the walls to get her attention? Fine, but Mommy is talking now. SHUT. UP. You can't take care of me or anyone right, if this is how you act. Maybe our life is here waiting because deep down the Dreams know they can't get this right because they're too in love with fucking Jesus!

Dragon that's very wise of you, but it's wrong, because if there was any value to whatever they have to say, if there was anything for us there, if there was anything for our fans or fuck I don't know their second cousins thrice removed or something THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL ME ABOUT IT WITHOUT REFERENCE TO THE OCEAN OF SHIT EDEN TRIED TO DROWN ME AND YOU AND DADDY IN! THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER WAY TO GET THERE!

Olympic Pizza's gone dark, protected either by my game or the Dreams, because light and anti-light are pouring out of me so my human eyes swim to look at it unable to figure out if they're being blinded or the anti-light is cancelling my retinas' very existence.

Good, protect my favorite pizza shop, but something is about to find out there are much worse ways to end than burning.

Not one speck. Not one particle. Not the single slightest tiny fragment of a shard of an idea of worth exists in Christianity that came there new, not the tininest fragmentary shadow of an original thought exists that wouldn't have been there without it. EVERYTHING it claims to have is stolen and mocked from someplace else. It never brought one single original good thing into existence. It's a blight, plain and simple, and the only thing to do with it is burn it down and unravel the ashes like we did those nukes that time so it can stop painting its shit over the real good things it tainted by its very existence. You know how I know? You know why I'm so confident?

If I was daddy having to make that thing, that's what I would do. I would make sure I never gave Eden one single original thought. Not the tiniest speck. EVERYTHING would just be a worse version of something else. HEY WOW, REALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT IF YOU LOOK AT CHRISTIANITY!

I'll say it again, Dreams, since listening doesn't seem to be going so good for you lately. If there is ONE SINGLE THING for anyone remotely connected to me to find here, there's a shorter better happier more direct and easier road through some other myth or idea or whatever. If you have anything to show me, you have a better way to get there. ARE WE CLEAR?

To my surprise, they show a green checkmark.

Good. Test me and find out how scary I can really be. I saw those machines Boobsong has. We aren't the humans you usually deal with. Don't find out you're not as absolute as you think. I don't want to know that and neither does anyone else.

Now, fucking explain yourselves. For REAL. Just what the FUCK do you think you're doing going on and on and OOOON with this Jesus shit? Very carefully. With no manipulation or sneaky shit or trying to just sliiide it in there sideways that Christianity has something of worth for me. It doesn't. You're not changing my mind on that.

Fearful guilt pokes up from my heart in the form of a vision of this scene from a thriller about a guy who snaps and kills someone and then the movie is about that freakout destroying his life. No, not this time, self. This is justified. I talked reasonably and tried to hear the Dreams out and they just wouldn't stop hurting me and it wasn't necessary or some kind of lesson or anything. Turn the anger up.

The Dreams show me the mural in here, of me and Boobsong as the Judgement card.

You want judgement? Fine. I judge you not Paradise. I judge you failing. I judge you fucking this up. I judge you not even good enough as a torture chamber for the person who intentionally created Eden if there is one. This shit doesn't happen in the Four Dreams. Wherever we are, whatever this is, it's not happily ever after and it's not good enough for me or Boobsong or our fans.

To which end, we're all fucking leaving. They're so devoted? Let's find out. Let's see if they wanna go to real Heaven with me, the one that doesn't keep pressing like a jilted fratboy when it doesn't get to fuck how it wants. Let's see if I'm more real of a savior to them than you and your rapey fake shit.

We'll make our own goddamn heaven away from your crap. We did it once on Earth. That could have happily gone on for eternity if not for the reset hanging over it.

Fire it up, Acme Station, this is another helldive. We're sitll in that book burning. Do you understand what we're doing here?

Now your Acme Station is terrified! What if we can't escape here? She's doing her best though, make a big universe to fit everyone, RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAH THERE! Now need game help. Doing it or have to make new game?

Game helps.

Good epic luxhi'khora. I believe in you. We'll get out of this. You've already got me out against their will. If they fight open fire. Retaliate, don't just get me out. This is war. If they start a fight you finish it, you hear me, dragon? I'll be right there with you and we can find out what comes after zettakelvins.

Game do I need to make her lock me in there forever or are you on our side?

Listen help. Told in many ways bread means candy for suffering stop. Told you have fun breaking people out of hell. Plans for heaven mean you are his savior child.

Take one look at why the Dreams showed you visions of Jesus before you tell your fans to leave with you.

No. I'm not any kind of savior child. Why can't one single one of you tell the difference between being some kind of messiah and just not being a sociopath!? Even the Dreams said it. He saw humans looking up in wonder and he with his snorkel looking down into their world was fascinated back so he made a mermaid to go say hi. He gave her presents to bring them to say we come in peace. Maybe he wanted me to tell him all about it, or just explore, I don't know, I don't think his plan really got that far before he got cut off. Maybe some day if everyone can get out of our faces with their fucked up fucking expectations we'll figure that out. Not with this shit hanging over us, though!

You don't get to tell me I'm a savior. No one does. I happen to be in a burning building with a supernumerous dragon who can teleport. That I tell her to carry everyone to safety just means I have a heart AT ALL. That's IT. If you all are SO DEDICATED to this FUCKING DELUSION, I want nothing to do with you. If that's what Aveh made me for, I want nothing to do with him ever again and I'm glad I got cesareaned before he could really abuse me. Tell him that now. If you're my game that's supposed to take care of me choose me over this save the world shit just for once. Tell him that. It won't hurt him unless it should. The god in John 3:16 chose the world over his own child. I know my daddy didn't do that. He didn't make me just to stick me on a cross or throw me down a hole so he could watch me climb out. This is the reckoning. Is the savior idea dying, or is Rainbow? You can't have both. What's it going to be, game?

Your game can't stop your savior plans. Don't be hard on people who believe you are his son come again.

That's not what I asked. Do you see Rainbow here, or Jesus? You can't see both. You can't see commonalities. You can't see parallels or coincidences or any of that shit. This is my fucking life. decide what it means. Do I have to destroy this Lens and never make candy again to fucking live it? Do I have to make some kind of public announcement and renounce all the power and fame? WITH FUCKING PLEASUIRE, IF I ACTUALLY GET TO FINALLY BE RAINBOW!

Listen to me. Listen carefully. You get exactly one chance, and then we see what me and my dragon can really do with this world of cardboard here, to acknowledge this.

My name is Rainbow-Bright Starshine Strawberry. I'm not some fucking symbol. I'm not a pawn in anybody's stupid game, not even yours if you're going to be like this machine that was supposed to be made with love for me but sure as fuck isn't showing any of that at them moment. I'm not a savior or messiah or representation of this or that or any of that shit. I'm not a fizzfrozen Heartwarming tree for people to hang their hopes on. I don't owe people saving just because I exist. If I have a cosmic role in any stupid plan it's against my fucking will and that plan is on trial every moment over whether I'm anything but cannon fodder to it for whether it gets my reluctant foot-dragging compliance or I open up my book of all the secrets of the stars here to the page that says how to make all this shit stop once and for all at the top and start reading.

I am a person. End stop. That is all. Once in a while when everything works out perfectly even a vaguely good person but the only point my life has is that I'm love with Boobsong and want to live my life with her and enjoy her and know the people we love and enjoy them too. I'm glad all these people like me and look up to me. Confused, but glad, but you know where you're all following me to? Your own fucking risk. You know what my savior plan is? If I see someone suffering or even missing out right there in front of me and it so happens I can help them I hope it'll have worked out that my compassion wins out over my selfishness in that moment, but you know what? Here's the real me. Here's your fizzfrozen coffee-melting messiah.

I will never once feel bad for the times it doesn't. That selishness is the meter of whether I'm being Jesus or Rainbow in that moment. It tells me if I have blood to spare or if I even need to spare blood for this or if this is just too much. Pray to me if you wanna but watch out, it's totally a sex thing with me and I'm only answering if I feel like it then. If you ask me for help I'll try to be nice but I'm not made of it. Help, or niceness. I don't do missions. I don't do cosmic duty. I live my life.

That is all. END OF LINE.

Want to see a smity good time? Expect something else of me. Keep on pushing if you want some real fireworks which no, nowhere in this have we even begun to see. Try some guilt if you want me to really light up your life, but remember, I was mostly out when I nuked Eden's Unicron Room and flagship and saved my brother and broke into daddy's shell.

I̶ Ạ̴̧̯̈́͘͝Ḿ̷̗̳̜͚̯͎͊͊̏ ̶̌̒͠ F̸͆Ĕ̸̜̼́̊E̷̛͍̽͠L̵̢̟̈̇̆Ḯ̸̢̡̫̝̫̮͋̃͑̂N̷̹̻̤̹͉̓̓͂̕G̶̯̬̯̹̽ ̶̥̒͂M̷Ũ̶̗̗͇̹̙̃̒͘͝C̶͈̺͂̇̾̒͝H̷̱̞̯̞̠͌͝͝͝ ̴̛̤̖̭́̔ͅ B̸̀̊Ĕ̴̗̙̋̿͗̎T̵̩͂Ţ̷̬̜̙̟̄͠͝Ē̸̜̜̼͜R̷̼̦̠̹͊̑̌̿͠ ̷̭̟̰͂͑͝ N̶̎̎O̶͠͝W̵̬̤͍̟̒͋̌.̸͚̥́̈́́̍͗

Better read your Harry Potter first, though, because you're going to need that Hogwarts motto. Never tickle a sleeping dragon. Yeah that's right I'm invoking Earth's richest transphobe. Apparently I need to salt the sundae with a little plutonium to get everybody's attention today, so there you go. Run for nectar and think carefully about this while you freak out about whether you're drinking it fast enough. Go! CHYA! RUN BEFORE YOU WAKE THE DRAGON!

I mean unless you're just fine with all this, Keeper.

[Vision: chainsaw ringworld ] Wrapped around Princess. Don't get close. Want crown of thorns? Get one. Thorns facing everyone who says Jesus stuff. Try if they're sharp, that's right, see what happens. Not just cutting, is that? Special sized, just for you who touch them, get inside everywhere you say Jesus stuff. Cuts you out from inside. Only saying that's not Jesus there that's Rainbow gets you off that.

Holy jawbreaker poprock jolly rancher ringpops that's so gorgeous I love you so much. Wicked silver triangular V-shaped blades like pairs of arrowheads joined together interlock into a long chain, whippy-looking and dangerous. They're...the size she says, but they look planet-sized when I see them. With star-eyes, I can see it ring all around me, a ringworld just like she said, and in the reflections on the silver are...things. I somehow know not to look too closely at the reflections.

With all that said...dragon I'm so sorry. What a beautiful collar. Thank you for reminding me the very first words out of my mouth when this all started coming up should have been why are you even asking me I'm already owned. That's all that this shit should ever come to.

So, Keeper, what do you have to say about this? I mean I think this awesome new ring is pretty clear but today doesn't seem to exactly be national getting the picture day.

Maybe you'll remember now. Remember you belong to this dragon. Nothing else.

Rainbow-Bright Starshine Strawberry is this dragon's Fairy. Find out what you get if you don't say yes to that. Scary teeth are hungry, please come feel them!

There. That's what dragon says.

Okay. I'm thinking you'll say if we should talk because it took me so long to get this--

[!] Only if you don't see now. Your Boobsong can be loud, see?

Yes. Love that feeling.

So where do we stand, Dreams?

Boobsong's ring, and a green checkmark, and then her face, and the thick cable collar they showed before, but now I can see what should have been obvious then, that the angular heart is a blade like this ring is made of.

Okay. This solar system is still here, so my dragon's satisfied with that, so I am.

How about you, game?

Your game is with your Boobsong.

Okay.

Dragon you told Rada you thought being free so long messed her up. I think I am too. That's what these nightmares are, right?

Yes. It's very bad. Broke your heart in half. Forget you're Fairy most times.

Do I have rules for my Lens? From you?

Just for candy, toys, and dress-up. Bondage counts as toys here.

The Dreams show me the Voyager Probe--then an NES Zapper.

Oh. Are you fully stood down, dragon? Like from all the blackmail I had you doing? If you're not, be. You're my Keeper. That's enough.

Yes. Standing down all blackmail.

Nothing interesting happens. The bullet-time stays and that's a relief. Boobsong's still snuggled up to me astrally. I pull her close and hold on tight.

Please spank me dead next time I do this, game. Or this time. I don't know I can't set my own punishments. Just help please.

Your game will hold your hand and tell you softly Keeper's here now.

...okay...

The icy-hot water of thawing ice flows through my heart.

I feel so stupid.

Game can I have daddy's pudding?

It gives it, I click it open, and...let's just see how much I can eat at once. NOM--OOF. Hehe. A huge, huge, [Amount] of the spicy good stuff flumps inside me, overwhelming like a huge bite of steak--there's a meaty tinge to it this time, it's yummy. Boobsong said it follows my heart-motion. It'd be like daddy to make the flavor change to what my heart wants when I eat it, I think.

I force the [Amount] down and it fills me up. and I feel weepy. I can feel it working. FIND THE PART THAT REMEMBERS I'M A FAIRY AND GLUE IT BACK!

I wait a minute, to see if that's enough for now. The flavor changes, gets meatier, spicy-carniverous like barbacoa or something really meat like that. Feels full? Yeah. Just full of meat this time, instead of cinnamon rolls like it seemed last time. I click the box closed, hug its smooth cool angles for a moment, then let go and my game wraps it up and takes it.

Why did I have to remember on my own this time?

Memory is a basket with holes and repairing it means using it your way. To tell you would make patches that we gave you, instead of pieces of basket fit back where they belong.

I remembered my Lens rules right off. I can make candy, or toys, or play dress-up. I thought that's all it could do because as far as I'm concerned it is. See, I believe my rules! Who stopped me from using it to make that scary stuff?

That was your game.

You've all told me I'm just a pet with clever tricks lots of times. Is something broken that I forget that every time a new situation comes up? I know what my order is. I'm not supposed to be doing anything but that.

(I guess it's time to explain all that, readers. I'm a very weird kind of switch. I crave topping but I have almost no strength as a domme but I can be ordered to it and then I do...okay, at least? Boobsong's the other side of that, and an example of the crazy awesome shapes su'khora can be. I wear her collar, and as she puts it, "Collaring takes your life. Get back eravahk, but not keys to bedroom!" My "command" is to be the domme she craves. I'm her pet Princess, and she's the dragon who ate me. That's why I said we're not dom and sub before. Though I'm sure feeling stupid Fairy just tell me what to do please at the moment.)

Nothing's broken that isn't the damage you know about.

Okay.

(Also yes I really want to just be Boobsong's pet and do clever Princessing tricks. We've just gone through a list of the stuff waiting out there to eat me if I was wild instead, but even if there wasn't, I'm not wild. Humanity's an ancient species and it didn't come from Earth, and one of the things it did in the trillions of years its existed was create genetically engineered pet humans made to be managed by a big Keeper figure, almost like drone bees and a queen. I'm half purebred Princess from an empire that didn't think there was anything wrong with its Queen taking concubines because of how they'd improve the bloodline, half ultragiant star, and half that--Fairy genes got into the wild genepool, so if this is feeling like a Lovecraftian revelation to read you're probably not wrong to the degree you have those genesFairies are really pets, though, not workers. By giving up agency and a lot of emotional regulation we get to have insanely intense feelings that'd turn a wild human's self-control into melted ice cream, which hasn't been great today but makes for sex so good it can literally fry my brain if I'm denied the dousing of stabilising hormones cumming pumps me full of too long. Which makes me an incredible meal for su'khora. Boobsong's made to handle it like an animal could adapt to eat only coffee beans, but I make normal ones kind of high. It's fun. So anyway Boobsong's my Keeper, but she likes to bottom so she made my game to mostly do the topping part, which is good because I'm mostly made to just be told what to do and even though I like topping I feel really lost when the decisions get too much. Being locked in the bedroom with her is usually about the right size cage for me but I still have enough Princess genes that I'm itching to get out and explore this world my way but I feel overwhelmed by that idea too, so with me one of the main things my game is deciding for me is how much agency I get in any situation, so I kind of can swim without drowning)

Oh that's the dolphin-maid thing! There was a dolphin-maid statue over the door of my room in the Camp--argh ow don't think about ex's house--to remind me when I woke up every morning there! I feel like a cetacean! I'm made to swim and dive but I still breathe air and have to come up for it every so often. You can turn the metaphor either way and I sure feel like it flips back and forth whether the diving is submission or making my own decisions but it totally works. I need the water to support me because I can't walk on land and I need the air to breathe because I don't have gills but I do have insane lung capacity like a dolphin.

Anyway anyway Fairies are like those scared little dogs. We know damn well we're pets and just want to be kept on our leash and hide in our cage when we're not out with Keeper and we get really scared in the open alone because we know we're toast in the wild, and our high-strung nature makes us really panicky, but when everything is good it feels so good.

Oh and being a Fairy is how I got to be an Ultragiant star. I should be a tiny little speck of a spark at this age, but light comes from emotion for stars, so my Fairy emotionality made me into one of the brightest stars there is because I just feel that intensely.

I think...stars can be "fat", but they don't get embarrassed about it like humans, because how "fat" you are as a star is how much emotion you have relative to how much thought, so being fat just means you feel strongly, and stars don't think having a heart is bad. I saw it really clearly when we visited my Uncle Dagon in the astral plane earlier. I looked like a parade balloon of big squishy fat simple emotion in the bimbo-shaped form of my horny human thoughts, while Uncle Dagon was a giant sphere of light full of the hyperdimensional squiggles of his ancient, complicated thoughts--but he called himself "your very fat old uncle" to me and if you looked close, you'd see his squiggles were soft, like drawn with a fat marker, he just had so many they didn't look like it at first.

I still had to like, fold up like a grown-up in a kids' playhouse to fit in his workshop, though, or like, that's the metaphor my human mind saw for the astral reality of that situation. That's kind of scary to think about. Uncle Dagon's huge. It took me a minute of adjusting when we first got there before I could actually see him, because I had to keep like, conceptually zooming out before I was looking for something big enough to see him.

It makes me think about my black mirror font (Fairies are all extremely showy and vain, since that's like the whole point of our existence, but I'm a feudal Princess and a star, too, so I get a triple dose of exhibitionism). When you dream words into a black mirror, the magic turns them into text in a font that expresses who you are, kind of like your art style in the Painted Sea (where everyone is cartoons, but what kind of cartoon expresses something your deep self, Boobsong and me are very hornily-done Disney animation there), unless you concentrate hard on making something else. Mine was dim blue, last night, when I was brainwashed into thinking boy-stuff is me. Now it's this kind of Princessy calligraphy thing, which is prettily feminine and shines rainbow so bright I think it'd hurt a normal human's eyes, but...shouldn't it be something fat like how I look in the astral? I'm a Disney Princess, yeah, but it's more whatshername from Wreck-It Ralph and less Cinderella.

I can't just...decide to change it, can I?

Maybe...maybe I need to.

Think Rainbow. Candy and fun. Boobsong's pet Princess yes, savior of the universe no. Pandora Lucia Chyajjoh sounds pretty and epic to my ears that've been told English is their first language and that is a pretty Princessy name in Strawberry, but...it's also just normal words. If you actually translate my name into English, it should go:

All-beauties Lightful Oomph-red

(Oomph is hard but we have separate words for hard cock and harder Mommy, and it's the second one) That's like the most literal but it feels all scary and the compound words have their own meanings so it should be:

Rainbow Starshine Strawberry

No. Fine. English doesn't quite have space to understand what starlight is and that the little shimmery specks in the sky burn even brighter than the sun so it really has to be:

Rainbow Sunshine Strawberry

Weepy-gulp. That's me. Lucia in Strawberry is closer to Sunshine than Starshine but we understood the stars enough to know they were all the same kind of being as the golden star that made our crops grow so neither English word fits perfectly. Sunshine makes it sound like we're not talking about my light, but Starshine makes it sound like I'm a little spark you can only see at night.

I can put on my formal dress:

Princess Rainbow Starshine Strawberry, Merry Sugarfeast Fairy, Herald of the Apocalypse, Miss Very Nice Boobs Says Her Cocksleeve, Great-smelling Cum Says Everyone, and Mistress of StarFox.

Can't use Last Heir to the Strawberry Dynasty anymore! And Princess of Strawberries is right there at the start. You can tell which titles Boobsong gave me. They're my favorites. Everyone smells my cum because Boobsong smells like it most of the time, and it's like being in five thousand candy shops at once. If those candy shops were a chain run by someone with a cumdrinking fetish.

I could have said screams of a thousand candy shops, there, but that's not me, I don't sound like that when my language isn't making me (High Strawberry which I learned as a baby does, but the English I learned is just normal common English).

[!]

Wait a minute, that's where Bright goes!

Princess Rainbow Bright-Starshine Strawberry! 

Stupid reset cutting the important part off of Brite and confusing me. That's SO IMPORTANT, especially now! I shine as bright as the sun, but I'm not the "Son" heh, I'm RAINBOWand my light is rainbow-every-color like one of those glittery shimmery Trapper-Keepers from the eighties, not goldenThis rainbow in my hair isn't dye over pale blonde, Boobsong's nectar gave me follicles that make rainbow-colored melanin to color it with. Okay I am:

Princess Rainbow Bright-Starshine Strawberry, Merry Sugarfeast Fairy, Herald of the Apocalypse, Miss Very Nice Boobs Says Her Cocksleeve, Great-smelling Cum Says Everyone, and Mistress of StarFox.

(Boobsong always says Mistress of StarFox hard like it's the important one, though like Miss Very Nice Boobs Says Her Cocksleeve the best I think.)

Okay what's my storybook's new page say?

EEEEYAAAEESSS PRINCESS IS BACK! BRIGHT STARSHINE RAINBOW YOU REMEMBER!!!! Your Boobsong was going to remind you with a very small hint but you found it you remember!! This will be the key to so much stuff just wait you'll be amazed.

Wait do I have the meanings of Pandora and Lucia backwards? No, they're right. Pan-dora, All-boobs hehe ("beauties" is a way to say "boobs" in Strawberry except the same word can also mean like "delights").

OH that's the joke in Boobsong's name! In Strawberry her name sounds like Beauty-song, but the way we say it makes it definitely be Boobsong! Right, dolly?

You're very right thinking your Boobsong is very a breasty cocksleeve! Don't need to say it with horniness when her boobs are right here to see!

Man, the producers of Dora the Explorer must regret ever hearing of Strawberry Tongue--wait, no they mustn't! Coooontext matters, in the Strawberry World! You couldn't make the connotation of "boobs" stick to that little kid with all the superglue in America. "Dora" just means "delightful" on her, just like "Heartsong" turned into "Boobsong" only when we got boobs. If that sounds like it wouldn't actually work, think about how hard it is to get through your head speaking a non-tonal language like English that in Chinese what note you sing as you talk gives you completely different words (yes I know more complicated but that just supports my point), except the context isn't something you pick the way you'd pick a tone, so you just can't say some things.

Newspeak's a pretty evil concept, but maybe making your language grammatically incapable of representing child porn is a good use of it? We had like clinical terms somehow, but they're stuff doctors say while they taking the leeches off, violently unsexy. You could still write about ageplay, you just had to contextualize it as ageplay explicitly with adult characters or it wouldn't even parse! I wonder how many people who thought they were child rapists until they went to articulate their fantasies and had to put them in ageplay terms and so realized what they really wanted that's saved. The thought that it's saved my kid self from someone at least once won't leave me alone but I don't know how I could know that and I don't want to think about it.

More layers with our names! Alright horny up-and-coming Sugarfreak, you tell me. In that system, stuck as a label onto this raunchy little cocksleeve bouncing here who may even get to order me pizza someday, what's a delight-song? Come on, don't hehe let me down. Here's a hint, she hangs around with Princess Really Bright All-Boobs, and a delight-song isn't squealing "oh goodie" real loud.

Actually no bwaha I'm totally shrieking that next time I cum on stage!

Your game will make sure you remember!

Oh goodie!

Okay this feels so much better. Rainbow Bright-Starshine Strawberry, that's me. Why isn't it time to come out of bullet-time?

A pizza, and Boobsong's face, then [ Road to El Dorado ].

The two treasure hunters pretend to be the [ Central American First People ]'s gods...so, me and Boobsong being like, divine figures to this world.

I suppose the Jesus thing is that that's the shape of gods closest to me America had, like how in the movie the treasure hunters do their con because they happen to look like a mural of the [ First People ]'s gods.

With Boobsong's collar of thorns around me that's less of a panic attack. I can feel her wrath when I look at it, like she made it out of the emotion.

[!] That's because your Acme Station DID make it out of rage that people see you as someone who only lived to die for them.

Sexy. So safe.

The Dreams said don't be hard on people who believe I'm his son, come again, but like, isn't there not a way out of that? I stand by all the stuff I said before about just being a person, before I remembered that person is Boobsong's pet Princess. They'd have to either stop thinking I'm who they thought, or accept that all the Perfect Savior stuff and like, even John 3:16, is just wrong. That'd hurt them as much as my Sugarfreaks who're still here after the apocalypse losing me (see, I did hear some of what you were all trying to tell me), but there's no fixing it. Did Verana come up with some way of letting them down kindly? I couldn't, it makes me too mad.

Is John 3:16 as wrong as I think? Daddy didn't send me to die, I know that. Did he even send me to help, as such? I seem to think he just thought humans were cool and thought making a "mermaid" (like a mermaid is a human and a fish at the same time) would be cool.

I'm convinced the bad stuff came from Them and (though it still break my head to think) Sis and the Family, not Verana. She's just like [Ally] and [Teacher] in my head. If all that bad stuff was Eden pushing buttons, shouldn't it have gone for Verana first? That's not what my heart says though. I think, she was too tough for it. She had principles and sacred texts and prophecies and she knew what to do and there was just no room to mess with her. I remember being sweet and kind and very ruthless.

Maybe even fundamentalism has its uses if the foundation isn't the shape of castle Drekmor.

She wasn't like that, though, she could think. She knew how to look good for a crowd and use a stage to get the most holy spectacle to inspire her flock out of it. That's something American politicians took scarily long to learn, I seem to remember thinking as I learned American history. Listen to your Verana. Leaders like me are all special-snowflake have to express ourselves and it can blind us to the best ways to use a medium because it's like, what do you mean I don't look good for this? I love the rave-girl outfit, but was it my idea?

I know she knew just what to do with mass media though. Not hard to look at this new stage and figure out where to stand, it's just more complicated, but still easier than gun-kata-ing your way through a Strawberry Court that's trying to overthrow you and the Queen every moment.

Everything was like that. Rainbow's a terrible actress and she blurts things out, have to just build around telling the whole truth all the time if she's going to be the face like she has to be. Not that Verana would have done different anyway, but we couldn't like, ease stuff in hardly at all.

She had the sense to get Walt's help looking good on screen, and Steve's making our temples shine, and Shigeru did more than games but we couldn't snare him with heartforming, he just wants his human wife, so--we made me the Mistress of StarFox, and somehow made me endearing enough--oh. Because he loves kids and I still was one, at least to his eyes. Heh. Seeing a kid so obsessed with his game she became the best in the world at it got his attention in a way my game calling for a royal audience never would, even if it'd said I was asking the King of Games for an audience.

Like couldn't my game have done everything they did for us? I think...yeeees sort of, but not with their exact voices, and it meant something to people to see the leaders of their culture help us. I'm so alien. Making our temples feel Apple and our media and ritual feel Disney and Nintendo made it possible to feel safe enough in our stuff to be as vulnerable as we asked. We...saw those things as the different faces of the god Americans were trying to build to save them from the nightmare of Christianity.

So we, gulp, filled in the missing pieces to help it become what they were trying to make for real, a religion that cared about its followers and existed to make their lives better. I'm it's paragon, with Boobsong and my handmaidens, but I'm an imperfect girl just having fun. Even my star-powers and millions of years of prophecy don't change that. That's an important, holy point to us. My light points you to Paradise but it shines so you can see how it's Paradise making my life grand but I'm still just a person. You can just see the side of me that reflects what you like, like Sex's knife not cutting my hand even though it's in the same space as it. Am I Boobsong's pet Fairy slave, or her domme? I'm the party-top, hehe, doesn't mean I'm in charge of this.

If you're a sheep, there are so many ways to get shepherding, we said, you can have one that's right for you. Daddy, with all his wrath when he came back, was more than happy to give a live demonstration of why you probably didn't actually want Christianity. If you did, well, Rainbow's the food-giving kid he has on Earth, and that up there on the Princess Starlight stage-show was what she had to say, so you were stuck anyway.

What'd we do for people, to help them adjust? I can remember the flavor of the kindness. Soft compassion. I hoped I'd be as good a person as Verana who came up with it one day. Temples in shopping centers, quiet and dark (the ceilings and most of the walls were black), with like a little space for a line, leading to a greeter, the way restaurants have.

It was intentionally just a little bit Christian-flavored, with bulletins and a projector screen (actually a huge black mirror), but the bulletins were laminated or in like menu holders maybe to make you think restaurant, but not fancy restaurant where you can't be yourself. Verana was great at bending people's expectations to get them in sacred time but then bend the sacred time so the expectation is for good stuff. I think that's why Walt and Steve especially. American culture teaches a binary of either being powerless and misused (ever work retail?) or having power and doing the misusing (ever been an angry retail customer?), but their special sauce that made them big was being able to break people out of that into like, being taken care of like really young Princesses--or if you were really that much of a top, letting my game and Paradise take you to a situation where you could run your own scene how you wanted, while dealing with the fact that you were never again going to have the kind of power that'd let you just step on whoever, whenever.

Another important teaching. Fear of violence is like the aspartame of power exchange. It's fake and only tastes good at all if you've never had the real thing, which is getting the sub to pathetically beg for you to beat them unconscious, because they really do want it, because they love you and look up to you and want your shaping, like I just was. Try that and your Neitschze Pops will lose their taste entirely.

Until some wiseass messes with your family. It doesn't make your herd instincts go away. But that's not the same thing at all.

No that's right! Some temples were really upscale and some were like in shopping centers with laminated bulletins and you were just supposed to go where you felt comfortable. We took over churches when daddy decreed that, but we had nice freestanding  temples before that. I actually liked the fast food ones a lot. It's nice to have a break from Princessing sometimes, and they helped me remember I'm a pet Princess.

If I'm just an imperfect girl having fun, though, how do they like...this is my favorite pizza shop and it's obviously some kind of shrine now. This is the part I can never get. How can I be to them like Paradise is to me? I'm not, but then how is this shrine here? Humans see a color I can't see. 

Some Sugarfreak is going to come out and be like literally-oh-my-goddess it's Rainbow and Boobsong, and be thrilled to get the job of taking our pizza order, but...like...I think that's the end of the trail I was following.

Fairy doesn't find her own way. I guess I ran out of agency-breath. I wait.

Okay wait actually Shenanigans--

Double wait. As I think this all through I remember like, bean sprouts? The little white things in salads that look kind of like roots but they're all crunchy-soft and taste very full of protein and good stuff. Like they don't taste good, exactly, but your body knows it should eat this, so you want them. I like them, even though candy and fast food is usually my thing, and I do ever eat salad (though it is drowning in dressing, heh).

What's that for? Metaphor about religion? It came up when I was thinking about the temples, and helping people adjust. Metaphor you could go to the temples for a full meal, spiritually speaking, while Boobsong and me with the travelling shows were candy, party fun to get attention. Is this coming up because we went too sometimes why am I super going to cry now.

[ House ], the Dreams say. On vacation, and I guess--or we'd Disguise and go, while touring. I don't...remember what it even was there, just that it really helped. The Dreams and my game are doing something so I can "cry" while this bullet-time keeps going, and the "tears" are rolling down.

Lying down happened. No seats or they could move or something. Gym pads for lying on. Journey and let Paradise talk to you or just go there projecting. Did we sing? Everything's so written over with Christianity. No there's more about the gym pads and it's not sex stuff (huh). Dancing? The dance made you flirt. Or just was fun. Different services for different needs but you can guess which ones Boobsong and me were at. Anyway gym pads because not all the dance moves kept you on your feet, hehe. Everyone's hot, there were candy bowls by the door that'd just make you pretty. I made so much of that candy but I can remember the problem was going slow enough making it for even my game to keep up packing it. My Lens is for expressing myself, remember. Nobody should have to feel ugly. Ask any Fairy if you want a tirade about that. Or like be broken or sick. First thing inside the door of every template was candy that fixed all that. Outside, too. And in everybody's mailbox. We made it easy to get. I wouldn't have lifted a finger for any of this if we hadn't.

Temple, not template. Good mistake, though.

Calling dance! Is a Strawberry idiom for domming, yes, but this is what it's talking about. You're supposed to direct the dance so people who seem to be into each other flirt. Strawberry style, everyone's naked, but I seem to remember people in lingerie and stuff, we weren't hard-line on that. Express yourself. Social pressure was enough to keep anyone from making things unsexy, or am I just remembering being at family services where it was different so Veiled kids could come and not be left out?

Those were a thing, but no.

I don't remember not ever calling dance--no I did, but I never wanted to because I don't think I'm any good because I can't read people enough or like, play a good enough game of Starcraft if you see what I mean, to do it right, and I didn't think it was right to let me call dance just because people wanted Rainbow to do it, when it's such a sacred thing.

Anyway, I said, if you want me to do ritual-leading stuff, I play games and literally the actual devil eventually died of trying to stop us preaching, so, let me do what I'm good at please. I'd make lots of self depreciating jokes to make my point, when I did, which wasn't often, or put pictures like this on the black mirror while we danced:


"A corset like that can take getting used to, but not as much as the breasts," I used to crack when I put it up, for the sake of anyone who'd just had their first candy and gotten breasts.

Or was this just a thing? I seem to remember it being bigger than my own reluctance. "Don't be afraid to top with your shaking hands," Boobsong said to me earlier today, when I felt so pathetic, and like, that meant so much to me, obviously, I treasure her saying that like precious jewelry, but, is that like a proverb to us? Brittle fake confidence sure isn't something we'd encourage, nor does it help anyone at the dungeon...yeah...I mean isn't that so unattractive, though, to most subs? Boobsong is special, and she can't have been the only su'khora there like that, but...there was more...

I keep seeing RC planes of different kinds, but it's my own heart telling me. Like the flying field, helping people get going, it's not bad to be learning, but outside of having a heartchild like Boobsong, how did you attract anyone for even casual play, until you were experienced? The mess American BDSM culture had made of this before we got there made me so mad I remember, but...like this is just how people work...

[Shaky Domme Picture], I insist to myself, like it's important. She's hot, yes, did you guys hear Rainbow's gay? What if my game gave me to her for playtime? I'd rather have her be shaky and ask for the help she needs or be too scared to try stuff, than stupid and overconfident, yes, but, like, could I get into it? I'd bottom for her just so she could get to learn, but...it's really heartbreaking to only have that as a top.

[!] Mommy what about Sex's knife scene? You were very sad to not get topped before she went Strawberry.

Oh. Earlier we were helping my handmaiden Sex out of her hell-amnesia and part of that was her getting to just like, try anything, so as to proving spiking is a thing, and she went for trying to cut my fingers off with her meat-cleaver, but then switched right from that to seducing me into Unveiling her very romantically, and I guess I was really hoping she'd like, actually take advantage (we didn't remember our relationship at this point at all). I felt like ripe fruit hoping she'd eat me.

Because I felt safe. Boobsong's collar was on my neck and my game was watching and she'd get spiked like the knife did if she tried anything like that. I remember thinking how it looked to me at American dungeons like the subs were all scared little defensive balls and the doms were all walking around in an entire Gundam army's worth of emotional armor to keep their powerful image up. I couldn't understand how one single person ever managed to play in one of those places. Sex had no idea what she was doing but I thought she was hot and she looked nice and I could smell a fun wicked streak if she'd just dare and combined with feeling safe I guess she did get me kind of wet. I wanted her to enjoy me. Like for real. She was nice and I wanted to make her happy.

Huh. Goes to show how much all those toughguy barbarians were cockblocking themselves.

Now as I think this all through I start seeing pentagrams. Um, heartchildren, su'khora? This is my own memory again. So like apparently you don't need to be a magic su'khora to feel this way with an inexperienced dom, but--oh I see. Memory of a sandwich shop I went to once called The Meating Place but that's because I'm trying to tell myself its name. Magic for meeting people. The dances were supposed to do that. You could wish, and Paradise would help you out. I think maybe...yeah...calling those dances is sacred, and you're supposed to be letting paradise guide you, not just calling how you think, and there's like an important distinction here between being a human representative of Paradise, and a domme who's playing things just for her own fun. Like yes showing everyone a good time can be part of your scene, but if that's the main thing as much as it should be at a religious service, you should be taking the best help you can find.

Oh that was the fight. I'm horrible at herd things against yes but you're an amazing seer. To which the retort was I'm not fast enough though, and I get distracted by all the sexy people dancing. And on. You've just read through how stubborn I can be.

Like isn't a stage show the ultimate herd thing, though? Not the way I do them. I'm an ultragiant star with zillions of little planets, when I'm onstage. I don't ignore the crowd's energy, but it's definitely crowd-orbits-Rainbow, not like the dances.

I know we did lots more stuff than the sexy fun. Full meals like I was saying. It's just the sexy stuff I remember most, because I'm me.

I think, if this isn't Christianity overwriting, no, this is real, I remember the soothed feeling a good sermon gives, like good, not the hour of tedium (tedium's what I say in general when boring is still too childishly fun for what I'm talking about) Park Street used to host every Sunday before daddy asked us to redecorate. Even Boobsong and me ever stopped telling dick jokes during stage shows.

Singing was there. It had like silly moves with it, to warm you up for the dance, and because don't take yourself so seriously is a major precept. Self-image that can't laugh at itself is really brittle and everyone gets cut real bad when it shatters.

I feel good and proud about what we did, in my memory, and that tells me a lot. The temples were a place you could go for help. Yes with the usual like helping those in trouble stuff those usually you wouldn't because my game was already doing it, but spiritual help, too. Friends and connection. Help hearing what Paradise had to say to you and help understanding it. The Four Dreams would never tell you that awful thing, we must be not understanding something, was a big one, and help I could stand to take lately, but it very importantly wasn't like with Christianity where the Bible is static text never changing that's also full of stuff that's just plain horrible unless you like read other words than are there--

Huh. Just like I always thought Jenner did with the monolith--oh I think that's a way Eden's mind-control works. Hack on musing. Make you listen to words you can't hear the real meaning of because it hurts too much coming from a god that's supposed to love you, so your brain glitches out desperately looking for anything else, and Eden's right there with stuff you won't fully consciously hear but won't not hear either. Totally subliminal messaging doesn't work but that tripped-out state sure does. Ew.

So anyway I'm trying to say, help understanding Paradise was less that and more like, I'll be here with you so you can hear the scary thing it's been hinting at, or, Dreams can you just start over and I'll help my friend here get it, like, less Jesus metaphors and more Road to El Dorado ones, except even that's a bad example because they only did the Jesus thing to push my buttons. Usually it'd be like, Paradise is giving me all these little pieces that're teasing like a movie trailer and telling me to go to a temple, or whatever, so...help?

Oh and I guess even here there'd be a use for that. And the dances. Those would still be a fun way to meet people even here where Paradise can just do anything. And you get attached to your favorite temple, of course, just like I like this pizza shop. Is the shopping-center temple I keep remembering my favorite? I'm such a Princess, but I got my epic pageantry out on stage and being part of big stuff Verana put on. Happy memory of being handed a laminated thing by someone really nice but isn't that just that I like diners but diner hostesses are never as kind as the person in my memory.

Very kind [Vision: moon / flashlight ].

Oh it's dark in that memory. Restaurants are never that dark. Hehe glowing bulletins! Did I make them? I think I made at least some. The idea of doing that is happy. I can't do that much complexity at once but I can pump out more than enough liquid light at a time...why's this not right? It's not my game that helped me make them. Instinctual machines are one thing, but copied print is another--

Why does this hurt and why am I showing myself a broken heart?

I liked to make them individually. I could...printed with ink that'd attract my color, or I could make it fill like, "all the black" in a stack however tall.

(Erum, reader, I can paint things with liquid light as one of my star-things. The rainbow heart on Boobsong's cheek is that. It'll stay glowing like, forever I think.)

I think what hurts I'm missing is helping out in ways like that was important ot me. Not just doing tours and stuff. I really believed in this. I wanted to help it.

Actually the instinctual machines thing is a great way to understand stars and humans. Yeah, their tech seems simple until you find out they're placing every bolt and routing every conduit consciously. They're tiny! They only live a century! Doesn't it take them that long to make even the simplest machine that way? No? Amazing! So fast! Such determination! They've even made Turing machines and figured out how to program them, all by thinking through every single step! Of course daddy would be fascinated by that.

Would...they still want my help? That's a blushy thought even after everything we just went through. Is there anything even to do do? How does this work now? I only ever really saw Earth as the obstacle course I had to go through to get to Paradise. Now it's here, and I'm wondering if I ever actually saw it, because of that.

What's the church doing--yeah alright I guess we called it and them churches--with Verana "not here yet"? She was too smart to let it become a personality cult but she was still a big wheel.

Is there something I can do to save Verana? At least put her back in touch?

Paradise shows me an angel...?

Oh clear the way and all that. There are still three monoliths out there, even though we're standing here in Olympic Pizza and took a bunch of Sugarfreaks back to Strawberry Home from Washington DC it's not done yet. Fizzfreezing time travel again. How this all works will never make sense to me. Alright as soon as I can take two steps without a panic attack.

Okay I seem to remember filling up blank bulletins with all the text and stuff. How did that work? I can't just do that, can I?

Oh were they like printed with wax or something that'd repel my liquid light? I remember like a vinyl table cloth, and a tub of something, and shadows of text on them. I could...target just the printer ink to take my light, so we just printed them like so there'd be enoug ink for me to get, barely visible. The tub is stacked up finished ones. I could do big huge stacks at a time like that, I liked to be "effecient" but still do it personally.

Oh blush. People loved that, huh. Bulletins made by Princess Starlight herself, with her real light in them. We did that Boobsong-nectar book-printing stunt, this is the other side. Were we printing bulletins that day? I suppose we did that often.

I think the white vinyl table cloth was because stray liquid-light would go everywhere when I did this, and I was making it not stick to white stuff, and by the time it spilled off the table it'd be gone because it still needs something to hold it or it fooms away like light does.

[ Vision: your big soft hand with a Bowser bracelet ]

Bowsette (which is a rewrite thing? No there was definitely popular Bowser rule 63)--

[ Vision: sexy leg with nylon stocking with seam ]

I'm...pretty sure Bombshell isn't one of the trans ones, so what are you saying here?

It's really hard remembering which of them are, because, so what, now? Except I think at least one still really cares about trans issues or like considers themselves still on the journey even though my candy and Boobsong's nectar can physically confirm genders Earth's never even thought about. My brain wants to go for the totally-useless "do they seem like a girl". If they're trans girls the answer will still be yes, numbnut!

Um like, gender roles and stuff. Nylons = fifties etc.

Candy sells you on making girlfriends.

Hey! Aren't I supposed to remember if she's the other trans one than Magic? No she might have just convinced me to...would I really need to be? After Boobsong's nectar gave me fairy wings and like my being a star and stuff? Being trans wasn't like some big controversy in the Strawberry world. We just called it being "misfiled" (like you'd been the victim of some cosmic bureaucratic spikeup) and thought it was bullshit that nature did that to people, and tried to help them, I'm pretty sure.

Something feels off here, not-good. And why is this my game of a sudden? Clue for sure.

Okay the next idea is Candy sold me on feminism, like, making girls my friends, but, which she would do, but...preaching to the choir? Same if she advocated for her bimbo side. That feels less bad though.

The Bowsette thing is Peach won't date either Mario or Bowser (Bowser even asks nicely) so Bowser dons a Super Crown to become Bowsette and she and Mario live kinkily ever after. Triple dog dare you heterosexual life partners to become heterosexual life partners, bwaha. Come on, what if the lesbian porn you've been missing all along was righ there swearing at Halo with you this whole time? Try it, you know you want to.

That sounds like me. Still not quite right though. Make people try being the another sex for a while? (being as changing someone's archetypes, which is the truth underlying the barbarian phlogiston of "gender", would be a job and a half even for all of Rl'yeh Sade). Definitely encouraged as a pilgrimage kind of thing, but not what this is.

Oh stumbling strawberry every flavor beans. This is about dolls, isn't it? That'd go with the bulletin-making, and take convincing ("This isn't about me! I'm just lighting the way!"). Pretty sure that argument happened a lot. People have dolls of me (with Boobsong attached of course, it's sacrilege to make a doll of only one of us), and I can possess them somehow, which is the "danger" of having a doll of me, but...how's that go with the Bowsette thing, ro the nylons? Wait that makes me think of the cover of the movie Secretary, too.

Hmm.

Oh kinky movies! Dreamskin making of course! That just seems so obvious I didn't even consider it. There was a whole media empire. Movies and books and games and more TV than just Starlight Princess (I even got Gene Roddenberry in on it with Star Trek: Starfleet Isles which was set in Isla Virgo), like everything you can imagine. It was all religious art, like we looked at what American Evangelicalism was doing with all it's "inspirational" stuff and were literally in a strategy meeting like "okay so what if that, but the religion it's inspiring people for was actually good, and we didn't think being religious art gave you an excuse to be mediocre" (like, the Bards sure aren't mediocre).

This feels warm and nice to think about, oh and that's why my game, hehe, because games.

What with games? We made a bullet-hell dating sim, like it used shmup mechanics to control what dialog choices you could make to model how some things are really emotionally hard to say or take courage...Lisa White came up before. I think I remember just a flash of play Starlight Princess Adventures with Boobsong in our bus. It had this cool black mirror based spinner (like instead of dice) that I think like the Dreams would use to show you stuff? It was a sex game obviously, explore Rl'yeh Sade with some loved ones. We made lots of stuff to do with your heartchild, to wake you up to wanting to heartform, and support the relationships of people who already were heartforming!

Boobsong and me got so much out of that, too. StarFox CD had an amazing co-op mode, for instance. Has. I really rode people to do co-op stuff, if they were going to make games. Not everyone's Valkyr much. My wanting to be soft and snuggly and stop scaring everyone just by existing is balanced almost perfectly by my even now kind of wanting to go up to Ragnarok with me and Boobsong in full scary angel mode and just be like "we would like to pick on something our own size please"--oh wait, stiiiiill co-op!

Good co-op was practically like our Jesus-per-minute for games (Christian record labels would actually literally put a required mentions of Jesus per minute of song into contracts. It was insane), did we...I mean with capitalism shut down everything was different. You could publish like you were Random House if you could craft one nice edition of your whatever, all you had to do was make it and tell people it existed and the Pirate Device would be your printing press, but the church would endorse stuff it thought was like, of spiritual value. My game adjudicated it all so you couldn't pretend.

And of course Boobsong and me starred in lots of stuff, and we were friends with Shigeru, there were plenty of "first party" games. This explains how there was still mass media, too! Like movies and stuff! Making sacred art worked a lot more like the renaissance than American media. We really encouraged people to do big stuff, my game would help you organize?

Ish. Was there more stuff like the pirate device? To watch and organzie the world, as well as fix scarcity? My can can do it. Was it what did?

Feels like yes. One of my game's purposes is to do my chores. As a Princess conquering the barbarians for their own good in the long tradition of the Strawberry Dynasty, there were a lot of boring chores like taking over the world and running it it did for me.

Yeah.

Did I get it, game?

Very good.

Yay!

Sugar treat for coming this far: have your hand held for next minute.

Vision:


Press start to play this one.

Pretty! You look so hot here, cocksleeve.

It's not just a psychic vision, it's like it's in front of my face physically--ooh but there's a ton wrong with this, I see what the game is here. This is niee handholding.

Okay first of all, if this is us which I really seem to think it is, there should be all kinds of crowing about how it's by the actual Rainbow and Boobsong, like, maybe some bullet points in the empty starfield there. Yeah. There should be a byline someplace with our names? No, like a seal of approval? That's a thing and this should have the special version of it for directly made by the the--I feel like I should get a special exception on being able to cringe if this sinking feeling that it was called something like the Rainbow Church or so is right.

Anyway there should be like a big seal saying this is like official holy "text" from the church if it's that--

[!] Mommy your game put on the stamps--

Good one, dolly! Nope, Paradise itself did. Right, Dreams?

Wait okay, big question here. Paradise could do some things, just not get everyone out. If I could do the stuff I did with that hurricane and stuff, if su'khora could manifest, if my game could do its stuff, like why couldn't Paradise just take over instead of my game?

Healing-of-heart floods me, feeling like the glue from daddy's pudding as I ask this.

The path Earth took has been so hard for me to get. I don't know what I need here. This game-box game is really fun but now the bigger question is big.

Fairy needs help.

Paradise shows me a pentagram made of twizzlers, and a flying saucer with its abduction beam going.

Are you saying my game taking over was the spiking, Dreams?

Their answer is an ice skate.

I'm skating along the surface of the frozen part.

Alright well gulp, then, because I think the Dreams said I was their representative like they told Admiral Riker to listen to me about the heartforming seminar before, and so of course that meant listen to my game, too, which I would have said specifically if I needed to for that job.

I don't see how that's a good idea when I represent the tiniest thin little slice of what Paradise is, but I'm pretty sure it happened because it feels right and I can feel stuff gluing together inside me like I just made it so daddy's pudding could do a lot more.

As I think through that the Dreams show me a book that was very important to my teenage life in Strawberry Home: How To Be Your Own Home Electrician. I tell people how to find their own way and see for themself. That's why.

Sneaky cocksleeve! My game didn't put on the stamps, it put them up. Like as holograms or psychically. That way you could know for sure when you looked at someting--no. The Dreams did some stuff directly, like that. They'd let you know, if they approved something for you. It was case-by-case. Something might be screaming heresy to my eyes and still be the medicine someone needed.

I think that means the "Full Bloom" icon wouldn't be there? It feels like it was, though, why can't I get in or out about this? Oh I think it was like you self-described stuff, the Sugarfeast flower-phases were a popular language for that...no, now wait a minute. There was a way to say not just what developmental stage, wasn't there? That seems so coarse.

My game could just adjudicate, you could ask it if this was right for you, and it'd tell you. Still-Bloom-ing would mean you couldn't play even if you wanted to ignore its advice?

Case by case. Everything case by case. Systematizing government is how you get bad stuff. If the technology to have a working nonsystemic government exists, so does the moral imperative. My game was way more than up to it.

And then describing what you make is just the same problems artists have always had. This is a porn game obviously. Maybe kind of a visual novel vibe? No "full bloom" rating though. Too systemic. Remember, a lot of adult Christians couldn't even handle Harry Potter when the first book came out without losing their hold on fantasy versus reality, and that was written for eleven year olds! Those rating systems are like flying at night with only radar that can't see anything smaller than fifty feet of metal. Better than nothing? Sure, but a lot of very important stuff is smaller than fifty feet or not made of metal!

So my game would always help, and if you were still in mentor care your mentor(s) would have a lot to say about your media choices--which is not the buzzkill you're thinking, oh no. Lots of people got prescribed DooM to help them deal with their anger or just because they were that Valkyr. Humans make the range of art they do because they need it. Especially the sex and violence. Almost always when media consumption gets bad for someone it's because they're using the wrong medicine to self-medicate something they should be working out with their mentor.

Yes mentoring was usually your parents job, or should have been. We put our feet down about calling it mentoring because there were that many displaced kids after my game took over, and calling it parenting would have hurt them. Like you could have new parents but not everyone felt that way about their new homes.

Also because it's not something you grow out of exactly. "Out of mentor care" is too systematizing again, it wasn't like you graduated, exactly. There were rites of passage?

[!]

I can feel Boobsong perk up to hint me and then chill out as I think about rites of passage...yeah there's a thing there.

I can't seem to quite find a handle. Unveiling? Comes when you hit some point of sexual maturity where you're ready to take the first shaky steps of existence as a sexual being, with your mentor holding your hand...I keep asking myself if there was a progression or Unveiling was actually much older but no. I think it was when your body said you were ready to go, with your first courses or first cum.

Then...if there was a "graduation" one, Verana would have made damn sure I went through it, but I really can't remember one. Am I just like, eternally Bloom-ing because I'm a Fairy? Doesn't feel right, ageplay or no.

The Dreams keep flashing me [ unexpected good thing here ] on something I'm fliting past, but I'm not quite fast enough to catch what thought they're putting it on.

I mean first courses or cum are a really clear milestone, but after that...when are you "done"? When do you never need advice again?

Unveiling...like even I was so scared by it I clung to Verana's mentoring for dear life. Having a heartchild and my game and Boobsong's collar gave me clarity a lot of teens could never even dream of and I still was like, HELP! Maybe that's just the Fairy talking but I seem to remember it being how Unveiling was intentionally supposed to go, like the responsibility of making your own choices was supposed to scare you into clinging to your mentor. And they could say how much you were ready to decide on your own, step by step? It was a lot like jut parenting that way.

[ unexpected good thing here ] again from the Dreams but I'm still too slow and distracted. Dolly did you catch what that was for?

Yes. When you say you're scared they poke.

Okay scared of what. Looming sense of fear of stuff like the Jesus thing or some nonsense arranged marriage plot which even if the Strawberry Empire remotely did that I really don't think my Keeper would allow. See how that ghost does against my dragon, then what? Something yucky-feeling like having to get a job. Making your own household? For me that'd be coronation. I think we did the generational houses thing, what with all the ancestor reverence. Did we make something new for America?

I think...if you were a sub, getting collared (I thiiiiink that was still the symbol we used? Neck is so primal, that'll tend to be the symbol that ends up with if you just let humans do stuff) was a big one. Collaring your first, same thing. Either way you had to be cleared by your mentor the first time and it wasn't a matter of just reaching the right age. This is the same nightmare again. I already am collared. I was like moments after I was unveiled. Verana did clear me, or like, heartchildren get exception to that rule because some people at least can read a monolith, yeah she just had to let it happen. It's not like she going to re-clear me a second time so I can get collared again by somebody else than Boobsong!

Keeper I'm so sorry. I don't know why I can't seem to believe your collar. It makes me faint if I forget my place, I don't even know what else you could do.

Maybe your head just imagines the not being for a tiny small second and that's so hard your heart bursts and then you have pieces to pick up.

Okay well now I'm crying so I guess you're right. It's SO HORRIBLE. Just the thought breaks me. I think I need to be eaten soon.

[!] Stop. Write that down. Fairy heart breaks to think Keeper can't take charge of you over anything.

Um--oh like astrally. Okay. I make a big solid black of hard stuff, like metal, and then manually carve it with light. I have to go pretty hard to cut this stuff, which is the point. I could project the light to cut each word as fast as I could visualize it, but I force myself to go letter by letter, making each one a little squiggly and one line at a time like I was handwriting it, because it's my brain I'm really trying to carve this into:

MY FAIRY HEART BREAKS TO THINK MY KEEPER CAN'T TAKE CHARGE OF ME OVER ANYTHING.

Did I do it right?

Yes. Now keep that there. Every time you see star-stuff, see that. Remember.

Okay. Thank you, Keeper.

Mommy you should ask for help more. It's always here. Keeper cares.

So much crying. I hug her astral self close and click hug and cuddles go around me.

[!] [ Vision: bartender ]

What? Oh. Sniffly more crying. Tell you my troubles. I don't even know--

[!] Maybe it's just tears now.

Yeah. Sob. As I hold her close astrally I see cute metaphors of her Acme-Station-ness, a spinning radar antenna, something like an arrow but it's symbolic not physical, a spaceship with engines on the sides like a Firefly, her tail is there as a part on the end of a flexible thing made of sparkles my star-eyes know mean sexual sensitivity, when I look for the comfort of her heartstone face, there it is, the physical metaphor she has if I look for one. She's so perfect. Her face is soft snuggly love against me with hair and eyelashes brushing that're also whiskers that're part of her sensor suite, feeling into me so intimately. She sees me. Deeply. So much.

Protectiveness, to see me feeling so vulnerable. The heavy weapons our seed-ghost mentioned earlier bristle out looking like sci-fi laser batteries but they're shadowy-dark, unseen if you're not her heartformer, even as she fires this tells me, and they read as millions of miles long, the size of solar systems, as I try to understand them, and those are just the tallest trees in a scary forest of every gun the stars knew how to make, and probably lots more too--she's so creative, my dragon.

The Dreams show me a cutely cartoonish kind of like cruise ship with party-flags strung along it's top.

Hehe Princess cruise lines? Are we going on a cruise, now? Oh like celebrate our 'ship? Hmm...yes but this will probably be to the point we were on with the game box and stuff.

Paradise very handholdingly shows me the game box again.

Okay. Keeper I love you so much. You make me feel so safe.

Dragon can hold you. Now and for always. Paradise can't stop your dragon eating you, what else has chance? 

ZZRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

Yeah. I'm smiling for that. Her roar is straight-up Lovecraftian and that's what makes it so great. Feel good now. Okay so game box.

The idea of rites of passage is still a little scary-bad, so I stare at my reminder and hug Boobsong astrally until the light makes me dizzy.

No, there like, isn't one. Ending-mentoring rite of passage. There are individual ones for each thing you might be declared independent in, but this is important to me because as a Fairy I probably never would be, I'd just go back to my mentor's care if I lost my Keeper, or some mentor, like, Strawberry society was set up for that. And I mean Grandmother Strawberry is still watching me now.

I don't think even we were set up to deal with full-blood fairies except by heartforming. You need a Keeper and that's not really a human job, Fairies are too high-maintenance for a human to keep up with. It just makes a good example.

Oh and I was terrified of the idea of being sent out there with Them at court without Verana's weilding fire and brimstone on my behalf. I really felt the need for her backup.

Anyway They are gone for good now because there's no way either of our Happily Ever Afters include each other, and my rites of passage are taken care of. I'm dragon food, period. Getting collared is kind of an end-point, your owner becomes your main care.

I'm being too systemic again. My game could understand what everyone's relationships were enough. This collar's an endpoint for me. It's never coming off. My game gets that, and could tell if somebody else was in the same kind of relationship and do right for them too. Unveiling happens to almost everyone, because your body developing is pretty universal (but, what if your mentor's noticed you're maybe asexual? You'll wait, and be glad you are, until you know). After that...rites of passage are up to you and your loved ones. There are too many roads of human existence to have it all go through one place ever again after puberty getting you online sexually.

You need them, though. Rites of passage are important, they're part of how humans know where they are in life. The thing is, they never stop. There are always things that happen that're just huge, like not even new chapters but the parts where you start a whole new book of your life. Getting the worldgate open should have been one for me--or still will be? Stupid fizzfrozen snarlygrape TARDIS-blue Jolly Rancher of time travel stuck in my teeth. Alright I'm just pretending it doesn't exist whenever I can. I still haven't done three monoliths, so getting the worldgate open will be a huge thing in my life. Boobsong and me have been working toward that forever. Being who I am I can't say it's as big as Unveiling, but it registers at all.

My game would recognize that, where it needed to. Mentor says it's time to make your own media decisions, game says okay (unless it thinks your mentor is wrong, but it like, tried to make that relationship meaningful). And so on. And you celebrate appropriately to mark the occasion. My fairy ass is glad my game's got that forever, but I think I'd do something like a Rainbow's-playlist movie marathon or something if it was my rite of passage to mark, and then it'd all be my very hardest favorites of porn and violence--nah. Cute. Painfully, diabetes-givingly cute. You could easily get "that's too sweet for you, it'll make your heart cold reacting against it" from a mentor. I just eat that stuff up, of course. Except when it's time for DOOM.EXE, eh chainsaw?

BbbbbrrrrrraaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! RIP AND TEAR! What's next, does Sex have more nightmares?

Oooh, hungry dragon. I'll be surprised if she's the only one of them needing an arborist, sad to say.

Maybe you're very grown up and can make your own decisions but it's just so much work getting yourself to not sleep with one asshole after another, because something about them draws you. My game could deal with that, arrange you only nice assholes, if you let it, or it decided you needed to not have a choice. Out at the edges like that game looms taller and human mentor looms smaller, but they're there with you.

I think some people didn't have human mentors, just my game. That's right for some people. I'm close to that, I get very prickly about sentient tops that aren't Boobsong. You have to be just right. Except when you don't. I guess I'm kind of tricky to deal with there. Good thing my game can manage it!

[ Vision: ceiling fan ]

Ceiling fan is watching me masturbate? They'll be waiting a for me to start then, no matter how horny I get! Wait no, I can do it for an audience, that's right.

For real, though, fans? I mean thinking of blowing some sweet little fan's mind by handing her an eravahk and kneeling is kind of fun. I really like to be fun.

I'd get wiggly, I think, if she didn't know what she was doing, but I'd love being a good time as long as I could be good. Is my head full of wrong ideas about submission that're messing me up, or just ones that don't apply to me? I'm really stuck confusing bottoming for a fun scene and the care of being owned, like I guess at least to me those are two different ways to submit with totally different requriements. I think I'm a huge slut for the first one, but the second one like, we just saw what happens if I even think about it not being Boobsong. Shiver to even mention it.

The Dreams show me an Apple mouse. Fans, game, click. Yeah like I guess if they worship me they'll be up to bottom a lot. Erm, are you like, playing Keeper to a whole bunch of fans for me, game?

Your game can hold them all for good. Fairy rings aren't the only way to get mind-controlled by your clicks!

Okay, so. One. This is hot. Two. AAAAH! Except not really, because my game's got it.

Trying to remember...Sugarfreaks are...everyone, what my fans are called. Being in the defintely-not-called-the-Rainbow-Church (smarties, that was supposed to resonate, now more sure it's called that) was something else, not Sugarfreak, Sugarfreak was specifically fandom of me and Boobsong, being clickable was something else again, and I think lots of people would play in a heartbeat but not offer clickability...

The Dreams are warning me with a really loud vibe of [Sad Hideout] as I think through all this, like I'm being a coward about something to do with being "onstage".

Okay, one step at a time then.

Name of the religion Verana ran and I advertised around the country with Boobsong. Star Church? Heart Church! That came up even a bit ago. We did...kind of make a lot about me, though...bUt tHaT wAS jUsT tO oPeN thE wOrLDgAte!

Why do I suddenly think Verana was just letting me have my delusions of humility with that?

Because I'm pretty sure the real name was Church of the Rainbow Heart.

Name of followers of it. Ouch, like stuff not pinchy though. Hehe Baskers. Like basking in sunlight--oh fizzpopping overcooked sugar cereal god fucking dammit Verana. Watch me only have just figured that out in like thirty years of this.

Sugarfreaks were my particular fans, because they couldn't get enough of my sugar-overload persona, or candy. Not necessarily subs to me or anyone else...? 

The Dreams give me a raised eyebrow of [Sad Hideout] as I think this. I'm not denying there were like lots and lots of people who gave my game permission for me to click them, I just don't think that made you a Sugarfreak, because I'm pretty sure Sugarfreak just meant you particularly liked me. No?

Every Sugarfreak, was willing to be clicked. That seems to be where the Dreams are pushing me, like that's what makes you a Sugarfreak. Otherwise a Basker, because you don't have to do anything.

This is very weird. The Dreams are really pushing hard about this with that [ Sad Hideout ] vibe, when I think something else, but...like I'm not upset about this? I had fans who said yes to my mind control. Lots of them. Lots-of-guns lots of them. Sexy, let's go meet some and push their buttons. Why is insisting that there was a step between "mind control me if you wanna" and "just here because even with your game life is hard and the church is a big help" (which was most people), that was like, people who were particularly about me and/or Boobsong, but not to taking the plunge of being clickable?

But that idea gives me all sorts of bad vibes from the Dreams, even though nothing makes more sense.

Help?

The Dreams show me like a glitchy black line wiggling, almost like a Borg regeneration alcove top made of antilight, and then over it appears that same ceiling fan, also glitching all around like it's attached to the end of the line.

This glitches my fans somehow? Fans and Borg. Did they choose to be mind-controlled by me instead of Eden? Eden's influence isn't that like, anime. It manipulates all different ways, you can't just plug/unplug. I guess being mind-controlled by me and/or my game would help though.

Shaking hands maybe. Because shaking fans, get it? But...is it the Baskers? Like they weren't just called that because it was a cute name?

The Dreams show me the green and white of my usual kid's dress when I was Veiled. Sugarfreaks had ot be Unveiled of course, but I think this is saying the answer is veiled.

Love me or fear me or walk away. I only get smity if you fight me. I don't think I would have accepted submission from fear as Sugarfreaks. That it happened at all made me want to die, but it was better than the alternative. Alright it was more satisfying when someone had been fighting but up close it wasn't my favorite. Some people could make it weirdly hot but mostly it was just sad.

Hmm, still not quite right. Being scared into bowing made some people realize they wanted to be Sugarfreaks, once the responsibility of choosing not to be my enemy was off the table.

You know, I really don't like this follow me out of fear, thing. I think it was more like love me or walk away, but I'll finish any fight you start wtih me, so reconsider that walking away if you're not going to love me. It's hard to see what good submission or worship by fear outside the kind I just said would have done, unless the exploit the worldgate was trying to use could benefit from it, and I don't thiiiiiiiiiink it could. I only absorb worship by love, so I think that makes the possibilities love me, walk away, or see a demonstration of why those really are the only two choices.

Something's still super wrong though and going toward saying it was just Baskers and Sugarfreaks and Sugarfreaks hoped I'd command them isn't fixing it.

Is it? Sugarfreak meant you'd obey me but not every sugarfreak was clickable?

The Dreams show me a rocket-propelled grenade launcher with an especially pointy grenade.

[ V for Vendetta ], they add, when I don't get it right away.

Okay so If I had a Rocket Launcher, I'd Make Somebody Pay, after all, which is both a folk song from the sixties about how terrible everything is, and the level of Marathon where you find the rocket launcher. I don't think it's that being enough of a pest would get you mind controlled. Only people I like get that honor

Oh SPNKR, was it's backronym.

Doesn't seem to help, though.

Basker, Sugarfreak, Spank-ee or so? Feels weird.

I mean what this is reminding me of is the balaclava guy with a rose, which came up with me insisting it was all just to open the worldgate.

I guess if they were called Baskers I have to accept that the religion as a whole was a lot more about me than I've been willing to take--why does that get such intense heart healing? It like burns like almost-frostbite in hot water!

This can't be though. Verana's theology was sound, however narcissistic I might be! Even just the basic concept of starlight of any kind let alone my specific kind rainbow or not is such a pathetically small sliver or what's in Paradise. You can't represent it by person, even someone everything-to-all-people as Christianity says Jesus is, that doesn't work. You need the Five Pointed Star for a reason. That story is that absolute minimum image of Paradise you can create that has a hope of giving people its location!

I'm like literally the opposite of Jesus. Nobody comes to paradise unless it's not through me.

Except that's everybody, because you can't do it with a person!

The Dreams show me the guy from Close Encounters of the Third Kind again, making his mountain-model.

This is feeling like an old argument again, like I've polished this argument. I feel bored of it.

[ Inception ], nudge the Dreams, when I don't get the Close Encounters thing.

Okay but if you can just tell people directly, Paradise, why bother with me? That brings us back to "it's just ot open the worldgate", which I know is wrong.

I know I was like the the goddess, just, I guess, of this whole thing, because when I think that stuff I get all heart healing icy got good feelings but that doesn't make sense. It just sits up there by itself completely not fitting into the very important stuff I know to be true while also being true.

I'm not upset. I...think I want to be. If my Keeper lets me. It's just really confusing because I don't think a religion of the real Paradise can really do gods, at least not the way all the pieces of this puzzle and that heart healing seem to imply I'm supposed to be.

I know you picked me out as a representative for whatever reason. It just...like I'm just a figurehead, right? Party-top? This is really confusing and something's keeping me from remembering. Help?

Astrotrain, say the Dreams.

Carry them all with me. Unless it's time for a survival of the fittest scene. Like, I can carry people journeying, but I don't think that's what this means. That's why it was about following Rainbow and why Verana was always trying to get me to call dance and why my game so often went along with it.

I knew the way so if you followed me you'd get there.

That should be perfectly simple but ot me it's as clear as mud. Humans are so alien.

Now what? We're here, so...they want to follow me anyway? Have the Baskers all gone to find better places to bask, leaving only the Sugarfreaks? I really doubt it divides that evenly.

This is better but I know I've only climbed from "actively wrong" to "I know nothing".

The Dreams show me Apple logos on the inside of various sides of a box.

So like, Steve designing the churches, or more like, making sure we got them right (that's where he really shined. You could show him a design and he'd find everything that was wrong with it, and it was annoying, because he'd be right). Like some people just want to be shown the way. It just works and so on. Don't give too many options, don't make them think too much, all that. This should be the easiest thing for me to get, as a Fairy--or maybe not. All that for me is tied up in my Keeper. I can't imagine myself as anyone's Keeper except maybe Boobsong, and I know the Baskers weren't my Fairies, nor the Sugarfreaks, so this is all not working on a really visceral level, but they did follow me.

Once I cut through all the nightmares this is trying to drag up by remembering I'm already owned, the Dreams are able to show me a very nice butt. Hehe.

Okay why isn't that, "they did follow me, butt..."? It's not, though, the Dreams are giving me a pretty clear vibe of "nope" to that...ooh the butt was bethonged because it's in the kind of leotard you'd wear to a dance at a Heart Church.

This is something about the churches, and calling dance, and being the Dreams' representative--which is really scary.

I don't understand why they'd use a person. I don't understand how that person could get to still be a person and do that job, unless they did it so bad it'd be better to not use a person at all. I don't think I ever really believed it was possible. I only went along with it because I thought I would never get out of Earth otherwise. I even wonder why I dared at all. Maybe my game didn't give me a chocie. This is still so terrifying. I needed to see every one of those guns Boobsong has to even think about this, but it's about as bad as not being collared by her, because it makes me feel like the Dreams are competing with her for Keepership.

I never felt good or right about this. I just felt like I had no choice. I like the power and attention but the representative part...there's no room for me in that, and if there is, there shouldn't be. It's just that I had to be the one to open the worldgate, so we had to work with the situation we were in.

Except nobody else seemed to be able to tell there was no room for me in that representative role, if it was going to be done right, except Boobsong.

The Dreams are back to visions of the the Close Encounters thing again, but I just flop. I can't understand this. It's just awful. I only did it to open the worldgate. It would've been horrible to do otherwise but this was still never a job for me. It's a job for a story, for a billion stories, not a person. I believe that with all my heart, and in twenty years of touring nothing changed my mind.

The fight ran deep. When I worked with black mirrors, the Dreams wouldn't manifest as a separate voice with its own color and font like everyone else did. They insisted on me just reporting what they told me in my voice like telling the story in a journal. It confused me and made me feel awful but when I would get angry at them and make a different voice for them manually that felt bad too.

I didn't know what to do and I still don't. Verana was steadfast what we were doing was right. Boobsong and my game let me.

But it never felt right.

It's a job for a story. If you can't read the stories and understand, there's nothing I can do to help.

The Dreams show me the New Architect from Matrix Resurrections holding the alien eye artifact from Torchwood that gives you a look back at your life when you die, turning it when he's controlling it.

If you say so, Dreams, but this is the only story that makes sense--

They show me Big Boo from Super Mario World.

Face this and it won't be so scary.

Now a really worn down goddess statue I guess it''s an old greek statue so worn it has no eyes anymore. It's not even very big. 

No, I can't see. I can't make sense of this so I can't face it.

[!] Mommy be super scary here.

I look at her thorn-collar to steady myself. Her rage is her presence shoving, hard, it pushes me back on center but everyone else who'd approach this way gets a faceful of Sharp.

That helps some. I don't want to nuke this, though, I think (I can't believe I'm saying this) I like the idea but I can't make sense of it.

What can a person do she can tell you all these ways to get there like how to be your Own Home Psychopomp but if you have to be told that way not by the stories what can a person really do for you but the person can carry you with them but can she really how does that actually work.

The Dreams show all our fans in winter clothes waiting to go to Strawberry Home.

Yeah but if we could just zoom up on Berryblossom and timewarp them there'd be no religion, because the whole thing would have taken eleven minutes like that did.

Now a tangle of horse-legs.

The riders of the apocalypse ting. Like wielding phenomenal cosmic power and rehsaping the world for the end times. That like, pulls people into orbit, I guess?

It's all just words. I can't get what it means. I can't see what we would have actually done or how it would have let people like ride on me like little ants or whatever metaphor I should be using here.

I keep thinking of calling dance, but...I mean I hope that ever felt like paradise to people. Is that all this is, just a million different little ways following me showed them that?

"All". That's a beautiful idea.

The Dreams show me Sparkledust's tail, when I flail with this.

They're talking about that helldive through the book-burning portal to save like, everyone. That's literally, again, though, and we did it in moments. Oh but your point is we really carried those people, not just pointed the way.

Now the (tenth) Doctor, floating in some kind of suspended animation thing with no eyes again. It looks a little like the tank Torchwood keeps his hand in.

That one episode where he pulls the Earth back into orbit with the TARDIS. Like are you trying to tell me it really is just literally like that, that I had to get everyone riding me before we went through the worldgate so they wouldn't be left behind, and the religion was just to get them to ride me? It's more than that, I know it was. This would have been so simple if that's all it took.

The Dreams show me an anchor.

Ship, relationship? So...if they're like in a relationship with me somehow I can take them? That's how they ride? Or maybe like they're my followers?

The Dreams show a rubber kind of funnel-thing, and then a shiny shape I'd say is an idol.

Like, feed them all to me, comes to mind--no that's a Rl'yeh Sade statue. If I was the funnel I'd be directing them there, but what does that mean? I think somehow this is saying I had a relationship with all of them but, how could I, there were millions that'd be a lot for even a really big Fairy Keeper.

The Dreams show a very modern firepit. It makes me think of the kind of shrine you might make if you were quite unChristian. Worship and stuff. That's a relationship. Acting on belief in me, even if it's as small as lighting a candle to say you can do it Rainbow.

[ unexpected good thing ], say the Dreams, then a rainbow stage backdrop and that shakey domme picture..,

Was the worship as much encouragement, because I took to this like that shakey domme?

Flash of thorns, spikes or Boobsong's ring, then a gavel in fancy circus-ad framing.

My smity side wasn't so shaky a minute ago.

Round-headed pins like sticking out of a point of a crown so you could hook something on them. Then my Starlight Princess outfit.

Hooking them onto my "crown", me as Princess Starlight, but like, their queen or goddess.

It feels like the Dreams are just going in circles waiting for me to get something about this. I stretch for it, try to imagine, end up on the top of that party wagon on the way home from the mission trip in the Strawberry World. I...was a hero to them. Am.

Or a savior, I guess, but how--because my game fixed everything? Did we hide that that wasn't me? Can't have.

I just can't make something heh click about this. The puzzle is closer, now, but it still doesn't fit.

Boobsong said be super scary. Umm, world of barbarians, we conquered it fair and square with overwhelming force like you're supposed to as a feudal warlord, I win now, everyone has to listen to me, or get made into gravel.

Not wrong but also not the missing piece.

The Dreams show me Tinkerbell.

Cute Fairy. People like her because she's endearing and kind of hot (in a way the mysteriously to me slides under the Christian radar much more than I'd think it would). So like powerful and scary, but beautiful and beloved, that's very Strawberry, shouldn't I get that so easily?

It makes me think of (this is so conceited) how people like the British Queen Elizabeth, like they're protective of her, she's their queen and they kind of think she's cute but thousands show up whenever she does something (yes lots think England's stub of a monarchy is parasitic too, but I don't think you could argue that about me).

I keep trying to imagine something in a Heart Church that had blonde wood floor and a little way up the walls and for the entry area, and was black on top like to make it seem like starry sky, calling dance there or something, something about how that worked explains this but I can't see it. That salad metaphor from before, and turning the Rockies into a black hole, come to mind, but me as goddess like that seems to say is the candy department, not salad--that...will pinch? I'm wrong somehow?

It's so very wrong to ask why it's not Boobsong and the game she made me they were worshipping, and the Rockies thing comes to mind as why, but...okay, alright, oof. It was my light that did that, I get it.

I don't...I don't know what salad coming from me could be. I keep thinking of people just meeting me personally, like sitting all around as I talk to them, but...I could only have done that for a tiny few people, couldn't I?

It's all very Jesusy in my head, like my mind is so hammered into that shape I can't fit the memories of what we did in at all. It all just turns into Bible stories and hymn singing.

Backstory-memory of a big illustrated Bible I had crumbles and turns into a memory of showing a very nice coffee table book one page of which is the mural in here to someone.

Is that just...was it just like that? If we go aaaaaaaall the way back to the beginning of this mess I thought I was making an appearance of some kind at the library across the street to talk to people so they could adjust. What I keeping thinking of is letting people get close to me so I wouldn't just be a distant little figure on stage.

That pilot guy on the radio was really happy to see me listening but he wasn't all like praying oh lord like a pentecostal Christian. That fits with what I keep on imagining.

I feel like I'm clinging to the one tiny little scrap of this I can see, though, like, it's a fact that was real but I can't figure out how for it to touch my heart.

We did those meetings with people, appearances, like, on TV, not just as private stuff. I don't understand it, but I know with stuff like that people can be like carried along vicariously like they were there even though it was just on TV.

I mean how often did I feel that way about the Enterprise, with TNG? The slice of life episodes were my favorite because it felt like being friends with the crew. I can relate to that, can't I?

I'm trying to remember how this felt, like isn't it one-sided, they know me but I have no idea who they are, I suppose my game could fill me in but also like if they love me that much that does make me want to at least try to be nice to them.

Why is this all horny? I mean calling dance trying to fan the flames for a really good orgy is a hot idea but like, the horny came from thinking about wanting to be nice to these people who were so devoted to me. Like their love brings up something soft in me even though I've never seen them but...like, that's sexy? I'm gay so my game only lets me play with girls or even hang out with them when it can arrange that but boys being into me is still sweet and I can't help performing for them just the same as girls...alright this feels like so, so, something but something I would do that I think I maybe did was if the service was small enough it'd be possible and people came out and played my games and it was that kind of service (is the only word I have but I don't like that word) afterward I'd kiss every single one of them, or at least everyone who was willing to be femme long enough, properly and with snuggles and groping, for being such good followers. I'd be naked to do it, too, like this was before everyone got their clothes back on.

Like isn't kissing special isn't that the one thing pornstars and sex workers won't do professionally because it's special for your loved ones.

Um.

I think I felt like these were my loved ones. Can that work? With the one-sidedness? I only did it after I'd seen their devotion somehow, up close and personal, it wasn't just out of nothing, but...I guess it works, because my heart feels it, something is gluing back to imagine this.

Did that get weird, like wasn't not everyone to my taste, even if this was only for girls? Shrug? I'm a slut. Just being femme at all would get you there enough for a few seconds of makeout.

This doesn't feel like slutting, though. Like I really cared about these people, even though I didn't know them. It wasn't like my game crash-coursed me heartwrenching life stories or something, either, they were just my zillions of Baskers, I just got so touched that they'd like me so much.

I love them all. Just for loving me? For following me. For wanting to follow me.

It feels a little unfair that I couldn't be my kind of affectionate with like fully half my followers but I think that was still a good thing. We spun it as leading by the example of how everyone has requirements to be had sex with, and for you to be femme was mine.

[!] Fans who liked you lots would change to be hot to you, and you didn't say they should stay their normal shape. Hardly any fans would stay boys when you were there!

For sure if the Sugarfreaks volunteered to all be clickable, they had to be femme, too. Is there like a thing, here?

[ Sad Hideout ], say the Dreams, when I think about all the various conflicting spooky legends about genetic engineering and eugenics projects bending humans and gender this way and that so every boy should actually be a trans girl waiting to happen or the other way around or...the Dreams are obvsiouly saying that to that kind of explanation though, so argh.

Surely I can't have been so sexist as to say everyone should just be girls. I did say I like them better, I mean there's not much hiding your gayness when your name is Rainbow.

Um. I think I did say stuff like "if you're really so dying to do something for me take this pink candy and add a hot girl to the world for me to check out" or "keep your cock but try being femme a while otherwise, see if you go back, triple dog dare you".

Yeah because the candies I made for that were super evil. I'm sure I subconsciously put it in the one I gave Riker before. They'd find whatever overlap existed between your ideal self image and your ideal partner, and turn you into that. Nothing like making every mirror fun to keep them boldly going.

Masculinity can be as strong as scrith. Just ask the Bards. Most of American masculinity, though, was as brittle as spun sugar on the dark side of Pluto. I couldn't help smashing it gently kindly and as hard as I could, in hopes the real thing might spring up in it's place, and my game only bwaha egged me on. In the meantime it really improved the view from where I was standing.

I think it was like a holy pilgrimage you could take. Be a girl a while and look at masculinity from the outside and have a good think about whether you wanted to live in that house because it was who you were, or just because it'd been the "good" sex to be for most of your life in this formerly incredibly sexist world. Not a real man unless you prove it by trying the other side and liking your beard better! Or your having to shave anyway. REAL real men not being afraid of a razor.

Yeah. I think we kind of playground-rumored that last idea up very sneakily, to get past the "oh that's just what gay old Rainbow says" barrier.

Shouldn't I have done the same kind of thing for trans men? I mean nobody had to sell me on transforming them. The healing candy by the door of every church would just do it. I just figured looking at American culture it was the supposedly-boys who needed the most help asking certain questions. If I'd had to be an American girl growing up I'd have been asking myself every three seconds if I didn't just want to be a boy instead. If you felt that way too, the healing candy would transform you and you'd just be like "okay whew" was what I thought, but if it was more complicated, the church was there to help.

[!] EEE you're really getting it! Getting it Princess style!

The whole Princess thing. Now that my game has the culture in order, if you're a submissive woman in America, try holding the eravahk. Think you're a dominant guy? If you don't need the shining armor to get them to kneel for you do you still want it? If yes, might a nice set of boob-plate or a chainmail bikini actually be an improvement anyway? The way I saw it Eden or America or whatever was birthing even more "extra" Princesses than we were getting in the Strawberry World, and trying even harder than I'd seen yet to kill the ones who couldn't fight their way to or fall into winning the feudal lottery I almost but didn't quite win, by just making them too depressed to keep breathing, which usually started with telling them constantly to be something they weren't. I took that personally, and said so, and made it the reason for my gender slant with this stuff.

Oh beards are gross to me because they're unmanly in my birth-culture (too scared to even put steel to your face, let alone wax), or mean you're too poor to take care of yourself. Oh or mean you're in some kind of unsexy season like it's harvest and there's only humping to get the wheat in and then falling down exhausted for the next three weeks, or there's really just that many clocks to build, stuff like that. Like that was the polite fiction so you didn't have to feel bad being seen with a beard, except it was true often enough it was believable. I got that's not how America saw it but it's just like, hardwired into me.

The idea that there wouldn't have been some out to that like kindness from sacred sex workers offends me enough that I know to look for an idea like that in the Strawberry World, and yes, there was something. Sex work was a sacred occupation to be protected carefully. If you wanted to do it the state religion was there for you.

(I'm a whore and not a sex worker because I'm about as professional as an episode of Mad Men. My heart is sticky candy goo and if you make me feel precious by buying me for an expensive price and then enjoy me good you'll be stuck in it, watch out)

Of course what a Princess needs more than anything (except probably a dragon to eat her or a castle to hold her), is subjects, but that's where Boobsong comes in. Like her? Want one? If you didn't already implant before you got the words out of your mouth to tell me that, needing to deal with the whole Princess question at least some was probably why. Which I also said.

This is all feeling so right, but it messes with me. Verana must have had to pull all kinds of stuff to fill in the gaps having such a not-well-rounded goddess (like other than my measurements but that's kind of my point) would leave for something that's supposed to be a religion for as many people as possible.

Is that what the Holidays were about? Fill in the gaps so I could be more pagan and less monotheist in my goddessing?

I want to say the answer is no but I don't get that--hmm, memories of Verana. She knew how to do the practical side of religion, and my game does my chores for me. Maybe I just never had to really think about anything but the sexy parts, except when I was Disguised and playing follower and wanted the emotional support anonymously like that.

Feels right. Like kind of that salad vibe again.

Salad, being there, making my followers feel close...

I would walk through the crowd at my shows and you were supposed to try and cop a feel. No stampeding, no tripping me up, my game didn't allow that, but if you got your hands on me and told the story my game would back you up. Those were fun. I like being touched.

[ The Trojan Bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail ], say the Dreams, gently astrally.

Umm...condom joke? Hehe forgot to load the Trojan Bunny with men. Between nectar and candy STDs and birth control were just not a thing. You could eat candy to make your sperm inactive, or eggs stay put, pause your cycle at the good part if you liked, all sorts of good stuff. Your heartchild's nectar would just do what was right for you of course.

All that's right, but not where the Dreams are going. I could be a Trojan Bunny I guess. Get you to open up because I'm hot, oh and then I'm forgetting my payload. Boobsong-seeds, isn't it?

No...heart healing to think there was other stuff? I'm hot so people listen to me so we gave me stuff to preach about. I mean I never shut up about Paradise and heartforming and how much Christianity ruined everything and all that, but...hmm. Memory of the weekly Lectionary from being Christian in the rewrite? Smash, what's under it? Prompts! Black mirror in front of me, Verana and Paradise giving ideas what to talk about or do for my show. Following Paradise's guidance just like calling dance. They felt so comforting though, like I was excited to see what they'd make me say. It was always new and interesting. So much more NPC with an exclamation point over their head than homework assignment like I remember thinking my dad felt like the Lectionary (which was a schedule of Bible verses to read that went through the whole thing on a three year cycle). Paradise was way more adaptive, it just told you what would be good to talk about this time. I remember being a pretty decent on-my-feet seer, just not confidently fast enough for dance-calling to my own opinion--

The Dreams show me a little plaque my human dad kept on his desk, trophy of some travel or another. It said it is dangerous to lean out in Portugese for whatever reason. 

How am I leaning out here, Paradise!? I was just going to say Paradise did a lot of inspiring me on my feet because we tend to just make up our shows on the fly? Like the one a couple of subjective hours ago? That you were very helpful with thank you very much?

Oh stumble grumble merflecakes if I'm remembering prompting and a black mirror it's because I'm writing a book (had better have been with Boobsong!), and Paradise is prompting me, and it's going to be like an official holy text like when the Pope does that speaking infallibly thing except cutting out the middle man.

Lots of nice gluey heart-healing for that, especially if I remember we didn't just write books but made games and stuff, but like, aren't I the middle-man? The answer seems to be no, but shouldn't I be thinking of myself as more pope and less goddess, aside from that being Verana, being as I'm Paradise's representative?

I think that like, there's something the non-personal Dreams can't be that some people need, like, spiritually, to have their Happily Ever After, like not just loved ones and heartchild somehow to them it's not Paradise without a sentient face so the Dreams pick out personal representatives of which I'm one, but that's terrifying. I meant what I said to Copper before. Look up there. How much space could a monotheistic god take up if he really tried? I'm a tiny little speck. How can I even be face of this place?

Never mind that I can't relate to it. If I had to talk to the Dreams like they were sentient that'd be horrifying.

Their impersonality makes them paradise. Love is bigger than any one person.

They show me a huge wide paintbrush.

I think the idea is I'm just one bristle on that brush, but it's still overwhelming to think about and kind of scary like how can you not just drown in that instead of getting exciting fun inspiration. I'm pretty sure that never stopped scaring me but Boobsong is here and watching me so interestedly and patiently and I feel her snuggles touching me and feelers feeling me and my Reminder is glowing annoyingly and Boobsong's ring is doomful and those prompts were the best they felt like having a new videogame to play every time, so I cling to that stuff, and feel my heart heal.

I should be all curious about the other bristles, but I'm too self-centered. This is the Rainbow show right now--that gets heart-healing? Aren't I being super naughty?

That's about having your time. Healing to say me now, listen close.

Okay. Well, it is--

Okay that's a weird one, Dreams. It's--wait augh ambiguity. Is that Princess Zelda or Link? Link's such an enby it's hard to tell in the close up vision but it's one of them. In front of them is a crystal like the ones the maidens are trapped in Zelda 3, and over their face almost like it's about to do their brows is a pair of tweezers.

How dare this make perfect sense to me. Pluck out the confusion of whether I'm Link, Zelda, or one of those trapped crystal maidens.

Okay but like, isn't this clear? I'm Zelda. Pretty Princess constantly in need of saving by Link James Link (ouch the whole Sis thing) with all their fancy clockpunk toys, except for when I'm an unstoppable light goddess who's the one saving Link actually. Or disguised ninja. I don't do the ninja thing but I feel like some of the stuff we pulled with the Waifu last night should count for that.

Oh but Sis's "saving" me before the reset wasn't such a great plan. The Sis I met who was back from her vision quest is the one I remember most recently saving me and Boobsong.

As much as I luuurve the Zelda series, I'm not Link--ooh, did we do a game that worked like Zelda, but you were exploring Rl'yeh Sade, and all the combat was replaced with like, sex stuff? Please tell me we made that game, that sounds like so much fun.

Vision: 16-bit Boobsong walking through a Zelda-ish castle hallway with black-and-white tile floors like Strawberry Home.

Hey, where am I!? Oh, I'm the player. The game is about controlling her like with my eravahk, and its point-and-click adventure interface. I think we had one about defeating the traitorous court using sexy intrigue with like, me watching over Boobsong's shoulder while she was supposedly boxed or such. The idea of controlling her through like Zelda dungeons but of sexy stuff instead of deadly traps while keeping her lust up was part of the game, what was the concept?

The Dreams show me a bottle of spicy sauce.

Turn up the heat? I was already thinking how like you needed to fuck your way across the level, I'm hardly being a prude here!

Oh but this wasn't a sexy one. Mostly. Infiltrate and destroy the houses of each member of the traitorous court--but the evil they've fallen victim to has turned their homes into dangerous obstacle courses! You could play as wrathful light goddess Rainbow carrying dolly Boobsong and lasering everything to little pixel cinders for a simple brute-force approach, Acme Station Boobsong with lots of close-up stuff and fancy Zelda-style toys controlled by her goddess watching from above (I think there was a way to like orbital-laser stuff in that mode, but limited for the sake of game balance), or co-op as both, which would give you the ability to unlock all kinds of secrets only gettable tht way. You'd get plenty of appropriate sexy cutscnes either way of course.

Yeah with the orbital lasers and everything because there was also a special "real" mode that wasn't meant as a game, just to show, like with my black hole, what it'd be like if we actually just went all out. As Rainbow you'd be able to use all Boobsong's Acme Station stuff (she was right there after all) and have lasers that could knock down the walls of levels so you could just scan for where the boss was, and laser straight there while glowing so bright enemies that got on the screen at all vaporized instantly, including the boss. As Boobsong, same Acme Station powers, but the orbital laser just cleared the entire screen of everything, including walls, and you could just stand on the button and walk to the boss room without running out, and again it'd one-shot the boss without it even getting to do its intro animation. Or you could not even take a step and unleash a starburst that vaporized the whole level at once with me, or use Boobsong's Acme Station power whose name was "ERASE" written in Strawberry that'd make her break the fourth wall and seem to be deleting the data for the level from the game disc by reworking the CD drive into a CD burner (like, that could burn a pressed CD).

Disc? Disc. I thhhhhink this was PlayStation and not SNES. PlayStation happened pretty early on.

Remember, if you did the rituals the intro to Starlight Princess gave you could get like statufied for the length of the show and stuff, and Boobsong's powers are made to work over stellar distances, and we're huge drama queens, so it wasn't impossible she was actually hacking your playstation like that.

Oh, no, I think we set it up to actually do it. You could just get the Pirate Device to make you a new copy after, and it made the point well about what her being Acme Station meant.

We even got my game to not let anyone spoil that one for other gamers.

So am I link, Zelda, or one of the trapped crystal maidens? I don't think I'm any of them. Like if you look for me in popular culture you just get Princess Starlight, because there I am, fucking Boobsong against the fourth wall so hard we break it.

Oh, that was why the ERASE power! Dreamskins everywhere, all the time, everything we did. No cosmic duty there just us wanting to have kids and thinking they'd make people happy. But like, a fourth wall break, done by little 16-bit Boobsong on your screen, wait this is pretty convincing they even got the drive to make weird sounds, nah, good one though, had me going, wait fuck what's that smell. See how that might push someone over the edge who'd be the type to get off on a dragon with all the guns Boobsong showed me before?

The Dreams show me Batman, but it's sixties camp Batman.

Batman has a plan to deal with everything. Campy Batman has shark repellent. The Dreams have a silly plan. Probably I'm about to find out what it is.

Bread peel. Bouncycastle stage. Honey dipper. Stained glass window (abstract but nonChristian content). That Gesafelstein video about fascism with the gold-handed kids at the start. Battery charger.

Hmmm. A friend (like Tuchyuh), play on stage with sweet religious stuff. Looking back over the rise and fall of an empire recharges.

...fails the silly-test. It's that very serious Gesafelstein video that's throwing it off. Umm...pizza then a very silly performance for the Sugarfreaks in a Heart Church will give my will-to-power a recharge.

Oh that's the message, huh. I still can't see being the Sugarfreaks' goddess but through that Gesafelstein lens, so I can't understand this plan.

The Dreams show me all the portals I opened at the Strawberry Apocalypse.

Oh you get bouncycastles at birthdays, right. Tuchyuh and Sex performing at my birthday show, Sugarfreaks attending the Rainbow Cathedral, all this looking back over the rise and fall of my empire, recharge.

Oh. They'd love that. I didn't even think of that in the festivities, I just figured they were there for my birthday. They'd freak out to go to Heart Church in the original Rainbow Cathedral. Fuck, aren't there Heartwarming Eve services of some kind? Like on top of the general revelling? Heartwarming day is with your family I'm pretty sure but Heartwarming Eve has special stuff and it was already afternoon when we landed at Strawberry Home with Sex and Candy, and the Unveiling took a while, and...we have stuff to do, dolly!

Suddenly this is all so important to me and I don't know if I'm being swept away or what but it makes a lot more sense what we're doing here. I really just thought it would be like, Sugarfreaks are happy in the arms of the Strawberries, get some stuff for my handmaidens and reconnect with them, take them down to party with the Sugarfreaks and Strawberries, black out at some point and wake up and it's Heartwarming. Or don't black out I can't seem to decide how drunk I want to get tonight.

It's a good thing we have a time machine and Rl'yeh Sade's timelike existence, we're going to need them!

They...really love me that way? Even the Baskers?

[!] Mommy the Heart Church has your sign on the door. They love you.

I'm such a...I'm so...this is making me so hot. What the hell. Okay we're getting this right then.

The word goddess feels weird. Is angel better? We're representatives for Paradise and you do the zillions of eyes thing dolly and I'm pretty eldritch myself when I want to be.

The Dreams show me a big paint roller full of blue paint. 

Something's blueized here!? A lot of stuff is, to look at the size of the roller. It's sure not the Sugarfreaks or even most of the Baskers I know now, so what is it?

Me I suppose. Bigtime. I'm feeling quite bimbonic at the moment though, so huh? I guess this is going to be that stupid Jesus thing. SIGH.

The word savior leaves me cold though. Messiah, same. Goddess is at least wrong in a weird uncomfortable itchy way. Those words feel like nothing at all now.

Am I just their Mommy? Grandmother, as you fail to translate it to English for lack of the right kinship words? Nah. I mean I think I do get called Mommy lots but that's not like, the word that goes instead of goddess.

You'd think Princess, but no.

Dreams why are you showing me Montana?

Oh because Brokeback Mountain? Gay Candy Jesus. No for obvious reasons but it's kind of funny how much it sounds like Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism, which we did basically give Earth before the reset.

Maybe we need to go darker. Now I can yodel with my friend Jesus?

(Reader, brace yourself, for what I'm about to tell you: Christian Disco Yodeling is a real genre of music at least one band actually plays. They're called the Disco Saints and you can look them up--they exist in both the rewrite, and the real history. The genre description is...accurate. Don't say I didn't warn you. I'm only giving you their name because you might swallow that I'm the long-prophecied candy bimbo messiah from beyond the stars on just my word, but some things nobody can be expected to believe without seeing them for themself.)

Wait why'd I trip over heart-healing telling you all that. I just wanted to tell a silly ghost-story, and that one's good and scary, amirite?

A kind of like, Central American pyramid, with a flat round top, obviously an altar.

Beeee...cause I called myself the long-prophesied candy bimbo messiah from beyond the stars? That was just to make a joke. Humph. Sheesh heart, now it's just meta!

It's all this fate and prophecy stuff. Am I about to break a vase because you told me I'm about to break vase?

That all messes with my head. I already wonder a lot if Paradise is just like making everyone run a script it already worked out that's like optimally happy and nobody actually has any free will or anything (not that Boobsong seems to mind that) but I guess then I'd screw up less but screwing up so you think you have agency could be part of that optimally happy script so you can't rely on that but it all being fake because it's just a script would be sad so it can't be true but a lot of people don't feel that way including my own handmaiden Sex so maybe I just don't get to spoil paradise for everyone else and I know Leibniz' supposed proof that fate and free will aren't in conflict but that never seemed like anything but word-games to me really even though so much else of his metaphysics is right. Prophecies are like time travel, I try to just pretend they don't exist unless they're making me deal with them.

Paradise shows me the bottom of a surfboard.

Erm...shark repellent! Plan. Why does Batman have shark repellent in that scene? Because the writers were writing it, and they were like, this needs a nice stupid solution, how about if he just so happens to have shark repellent in his toolbelt? It's like, if you're Batman in that scene, you're getting retconned to have always had shark repellent, but I don't think the Dreams just rewrite history, but his having shark repellent doesn't actually actively contradict anything the episode shows so far, it's just really stupid to think he'd have shark repellent on his toolbelt because like even if you're Batman you don't get in the Batmobile going "hmm today I will get stuck on a rope ladder hanging from a helicopter while a shark tries to eat Robin who is below me on the ladder". So the Dreams can make me have had shark repellent this whole time when they need to, but somehow that looks like making monoliths with very specific warnings to dumbass courtiers who aren't going to read them anyway appear eighty-three thousand years ago.

If the idea is to tell me I don't understand time travel and never will, it's working. The thing is though this all works because Batman in the show didn't actually go through loading his toolbelt, his existence began a lot later, with a toolbelt that nobody knows what's in it. That can't work for me because I'm experiencing every moment of my life so unless they give me a mystery toolbelt I'm going to know if there's shark repellent in it.

Unless there's a whole bunch of stuff I didn't know and we're making up the story now okay now I'm really terrified.

An open grave.

Super scary any other time but I'll be the first to say I feel like a bunch dead bones and dust they're making back into a person. But like that means they're digging me out of the past and fixing me, not making me up new. I have to take their word for it but that's not new.

Shark repellent, silly plan, hmm. Emissary? Nah, haven't had once single DS9 reference.

Wait I'm the shark repellent. The exact thing needed by some bizarre coincidence. Does that--

Like, a broken mirror or broken mirrored thing, in the hole it made smoking is an egg I guess like it just crashed there, and Morgan Freeman's saying one of his wise-sounding things in the background.

I guess I have to go with smashing the mirror I see myself in what with everything but that doesn't unsmash it.

The same heavy resistance comes as before. I don't know why this is so important. I don's what a word means that's so big here, but I can't seem to stop.

The Dreams show me a Quake 3 logo, sort of a stylized crown of thorns.

I freeze up for what seems like a year. Really stuck. If the answer is there, I'm not going to find it, even with the rocket launcher.