20 - In the Garden of Eden
There's no chance of keeping back the sob that breaks my question.
"Goddess you're definitely always my Goddess forever and you can tell me to do anything except one thing and that's dismiss me from being your slave I'll disobey and keep waiting for you to tell me what to do no matter what you say so if you want to serve Rada I'll follow wherever you lead me but you have to be my Goddess Mommy I need you!"
The true answer to the question is the ease with which I lean down again to tease Lyra with my breasts, cup her face to force her to look into my eyes or be very obvious peering down, and lock eyes with her for a moment, drink in the intensity behind her improbable lashes.
"I'm not sending you away, don't worry. Don't spill my tea, now..."
I let go and lean up a bit to give her a sudden eyeful as I say this last.
Oh please cleavage face bury held...
"If you're changing your mind you're welcome to see how long you can stand me, but I'm definitely expecting you to be a perfectly happy brat-dom without anyone over you but these games."
"Fuck. Bratdom is such a perfect way to describe me now. Don't they exactly mean I need somebody over me, though? Doesn't...me being a bratdom mean that?"
"Absolutely not! Otherwise you'd have said yes when I asked if you wanted me to keep you. I had you, you know, I was sure I'd caught you after you gave me a blowjob voluntarily and when you stood up instead I was really shocked until these games started playing you, because I could see you needed something to hold you. I think we were deciding it shouldn't be a person, because as much as you like to be pleasing I think you're basically really selfish, and these games give you what many people get from a dominant without having that dominant as the axis your pleasure orbits around, which you tried with me, and decided wasn't for you--I saw it happen, before you stood up there was a moment where you were just staring up into my face and when I asked if you'd like to be kept the first thing you did was look at your seedling, and you came up from subspace as hard and fast as if the whole dungeon caught fire."
I sit up again as she answers, twist to look at her, find that--giggle--my panties are twisted by all this fidgeting, and remember Lyra's explanation before just in time, and without moving but to glance at her, demand:
"My thong is mussed. Fix it!"
Yes eep keep tea steady--
It's tempting to make her juggle this and the tea, but the scent is calling to me, so I hold my hand down again, the the mug is immediately pressed into it.
Hands free come on the couch with you and get behind you. Thong is all crooked, carefully pet you while I fix it...
If the tea forces me to coo orgasmically, I should have been more ready for the rush of Lyra's touch as she handsily adjusts my panties. My eyes close, my breath goes ragged, and I sigh with the joy of her closeness.
It's not that...she could possibly be any more distracting than she already was. Just, somehow, all of this makes trying not to be totally absorbed in her charm when she's using it seem...boring.
Poing down to floor thong fixed. Head-pats aww! You're saying good cocksleeve right look at your face yes.
She got it perfectly back in order in moments. So loyal, so devoted. I twist, processing Rada's words and trying to figure out how to voice my concern. Does this gender make my dominance look flat?
The thing is, as weepy and confused and childish as I'm being towards Rada, the same track seems to push me into a severity toward Lyra I would have thought would crush her, but when I glance down she's sitting tall in slave pose with her nipples glistening-hard and--
"I should be able to see if you're wet for me when I want. Legs apart, cocksleeve."
Open my legs nice and wide--oh no I'm dripping!
Nectar pours out of my purple-cheeked fucktoy as she spreads.
"Well, I see you don't mind my changes--or are you just really into Rada?"
What a cruel question to ask her!
That's why it's fun.
Take a deep breath so humiliated argh.
"Goddess Rada is wise and I like her and she does make me horny but I'm wet for you that's why I'm dripping you being so expressive is so much fun adjusting your thong just now was the best."
"That's a good honest cocksleeve. You can stay like that and be proud you get so wet for me."
I watch her sitting there, happily humiliated for a moment.
"How should I have her clean up your deck," I ask in the tone of voice a nine year old who knows where the key to the liquor cabinet is kept would use.
"I'll make one of my crew clean it later."
"Why is brat-dom even a thing? Obviously it is," --I nod to Lyra's fast-growing puddle-- "but, like isn't it just completely nonsensical? Don't I have to be responsible?"
The mug is still in my hand, so I vociferously enjoy a pull and hand it back to Lyra before I drown.
Take. Hold it up.
"Yes, in the ways that you can be--which is what's being carefully controlled for you. Take the responsibility you can, like cleaning up after horny submissives, and forget the rest! You can't change how the games play you, they were very specific about that for a reason, to me it seems."
"Yeah, but...I guess...why do you think I need this?"
"Well, it could be many reasons, but how much would they matter if you knew them? If it was because you like how my stockings make your legs look and you can't wear them any other way, would you feel differently than if you had terrible experiences with structure in your childhood and this the medicine for that? Some people say yes, so I'm asking how you feel, not telling a story with questions."
Biting my lip to look cutely embarrassed seems to have immediately created the habit of chewing it to think.
"Honestly, I don't know, and I suppose it wouldn't change anything practically. I guess really I'm wondering about that thing my seed-ghost said about my being designed to be naked all the time--um, but one question, first. Why do you have Enterprise-D replicator mugs?"
She laughs heartily at this.
"You recognize them! Klapta, tell--have you thought about your name yet?"
"I am Miss Blu'eyes."
It's out of my mouth before even a speck of thought, rushing to keep ahead of the slippage, uppity and self-satisfied in delivery, and even as I blush in embarrassment at this ejaculation, I know it's also absolutely perfect. Rada seems amused, however, and goes on unperturbed.
"Tell Miss Blu'eyes why you make mugs from TNG."
My eyes widen at her naming it by its fandom term, and I make sure to gasp softly with the suprise.
"It's because I love TNG and Picard with his Tea Earl Grey Hot is my favorite part of the episodes they do it in. I'm a ship too and the Enterprise-D is canonically a living thing because of the episode where it turns its holodeck into an imagination so it can understand how to find what it needs to reproduce. It's cute and I like it so I make Enterprise-D replicator mugs if anyone asks me for drink-holders unless they specifically ask for some other kind of utensil. Captain you want me to explain about TRAIN, right?"
"That's right, honey."
"TRAIN is how we call it in English, short for Transcharonic Rift Access Individuation Netowrk. We travel through holes in reality to save people from worlds where they can't leave by dreamwalking or finding a standing stone. I'm sure Captain just wants to answer your question though, and the way Enterprise-D replicator mugs have anything to do with our work with TRAIN is that you can't be too careful making contact with a world that only knows you as legends so we study every peice of culture we can find and I studied TNG and liked it and make mugs to remember it by now."
"There is one reason outside of explaining your mug I wanted to tell you about TRAIN, which is that you might be someone who we've been searching for for about eight thousand years now called the Lost Virgin. The Lost Virgin's Rest was dedicated to be only approachable by the one actual single literal--some people guess the story might be a metaphor--person who the Four Dreams decide is the Lost Virgin. They decided you must be, and it sounds from the story your seedling told that you did take a trip across Limbo, and now you just made up the name Blu'eyes. Those things tell us you almost certainly are her, but if you help we can be sure. Can you call on your guardian spirit for me?"
"Huuh? I thought you could only call on them if you were dying?"
"Only the person who sent the prophecy back from their future should be able to do what I'm asking for. If you just ask it to show what it looks like, I'll be able to tell right away."
I shrug, try to find it, send the intention: show us what you look like. In the center of the room, the angel that assailed us in Limbo fades into being on a far smaller scale--oh. Oh. I shiver, and wish it away again.
They manifest when you're about to die. We were definitely about to die, at that point.
"Yes, you'e the Lost Virgin. Now how did you end up on Earth in the American Empire timeline? You were born naturally, yeah?"
I nod, confused--oh again. Designed.
"What's this mean?"
"The Lost Virgin is a person we've known about since about thirty thousand years ago in Earth's timeline. The story and the idea both happened as Eve was settling Atlantis in Rl'yeh Sade after they escaped Eden's Garden and she wished Eden would find out what it would really be like if there was a child who was told by its parents to heartform and leave Eden like Eve was accused of by Eden. Have I gotten your interest hard enough?"
"Wow! Yes, but I can listen, it sounds like this is important--" Wide eyes, bounce up and lean forward with curiosity.
"I'm not afraid you can't listen to me. I expect you might not be allowed to unless I make this fun enough to keep you playing with me."
"Rada is right Goddess it says you can't be involved if something is boring the game about taking care of things will keep you from getting involved. If the game lets you play it will still keep you from making commitments and you should not expect to have the ability to make promises to anyone except you or me and the game will still keep you from make yourself stuck in anything boring. It says this game will surprise you a lot. It says keep listening to Rada and it will say when you're finished and then you can't talk about this any more. There's a lot more our seed-ghost can tell about this game it says very urgently please hear all of it when you finish talking to Rada about the Lost Virgin."
The stockings, and silky blanket on the couch, and everything else, feel intense, and my heart pounds at the reminder of my helplessness in this.
"I'm starting to get why you like this, puddlepet," I half-whisper, breathy.
"I have an idea. Can your seed-ghost tell if me telling it like a story for kids will help the game let you listen?"
"Answer her, cocksleeve."
You too, seed-ghost, be helpful.
"Yes it can tell and it will make it so you can tell the story at all."
Throwing my hands over my face and squidging desperately down as if I could disappear through the cushion, I mewl quietly: "Oh my god."
The blushes must go away at some point, because they can definitely start repeatedly as if from zero, but...when do they?
Rada is openly enjoying this when I peep out through my fingers at her.
"Klapta, Library-journey. Is there a book of this for kids?"
My voice is stuck on pathetic whimper, not that I'm trying to change it.
"I found seventeen about Eden and nothing about the Lost Virgin, Captain."
"I'll just make up my own, then. Are you too embarrassed to hear me?"
Whispering: "Why is it doing this to me?"
...oh. Yes please.
"Mommy it says part of the game that's making Rada have to be fun as she tells you this is that it makes you feel freer if the game makes you always aware that it's like being under a parent's authority because it makes choices for you about what kinds of things you can and can't do, so making you embarrassed isn't what it's doing with this game but making you feel like a kid is."
"How does that even make sense!?"
"From now on when our seed-ghost wants you to say something for it just do unless you'll be interrupting or changing the subject, cocksleeve."
Half-curled from behind my humiliated fingers is a weird place to give such a decree from, but Lyra's response is still one pixel short of a marine salute in snappy obedience.
"Mommy it says you already act much much more freely and it gives you freedom in your emotions and the game won't tie you to a house or family so you're still free in that way. You do have the game watching over you but it can take care of you much more completely than a parent so you're both more controlled and more free than a kid with a parent with the same kind of intentions toward them. It will keep you from doing anything now unless you're doing it to listen the story more attentively."
I can feel my clutch change somehow, and my hands fall away from my face, land limp in my lap. I can turn to face Rada better, but my arms remain useless, and the only thing my throat will do is gasp at the rush of this loss of control.
And the problem is, the thing that's going to get me in trouble, is maybe it feels good to make it force me. Maybe I want to act out until it holds me down. Lyra sure made the idea sound appealing before, with her envy of my earlier--no, let's be honest, continuing, predicament. Maybe, in a weird upside-down way, this rushing loss of control is a high I can get off on.
The clutch bans my attempt to give Lyra a sidelong glance of sizing-up with this new understanding of her behavior, underlining the point--it feels as if every bit of power it disconnects from action in the moment just goes rushing back into my thundering heart.
If this is how Lyra feels all the time, she's a tough little thing...and also so very helplessly desperate in a way that perfectly explains her intensity in her every response to me, because this high is addicting, and even in this helplessness a part of me is hungry for the bond to be tighter, just to feel the rush. If that happens to Lyra every time I command her...hmmm....
Rada's eyes shine as she launches in--she's loving this, and I can, squirmingly, imagine how much fun it would be to turn the tables on her. I make a mental note to have a good time with Lyra's controller later.
"If you get any cuter I'm going to see if the Bones let me play with you, so watch out. Once upon a time, many thousands of years ago, there lived a monster called an egregore. The egregore called itself Eden, and it was a mean scary cruel monster without love, not a mean scary cruel monster with love like I am. People called this monster Eden, and some said it was kind but severe like I am, and some said it just used people as parts of itself the way you use your brain-cells, little Miss Blu'eyes, and some said it could be cruel one time and kind another time just like a person of our kind."
Her voice is syrupy and patient and solicitous and her microautobiography is totally accurate: her eyes burn with the joy of how sadistic she's being, and yet there's a layer over it, of hope that I'll be better in the end out of her "cruelty".
"Eden was dying. Because egregores are made up of interactions between humans--don't be confused now, I don't mean it could live in your dreams the way a su'khora seedling hides when you turn away from it, I mean it was like the way people telling stories and sharing culture created a living being the way wishing creates a living thing with su'khora. Because Eden was made of up the interactions between people, it could get sick or even fall apart if the way people interacted changed. That's what was happening to Eden. Heartforming and changes to laws of the government Eden relied on as part of its brain were making Eden start to get hazy and vague. The government was a king and queen monarchy, but some monarchs did a very very bad job and people started to take their power away. Technology got more powerful, and humans found privacy in ways they couldn't before and became more able to think their own thoughts. Anywhere humans get to think their own thoughts, some of those thoughts will be heartforming, so many people said it was heartforming that was killing Eden, because heartforming often looks like it should compete with an egregore for people, even though it actually doesn't have to and some very kind egregores even live consensually on people in the Deep Haven. Eventually, Eden formed a plan. It would leave the people it was living on for a new family of people who would be specially bred to be perfect happy hosts for an egregore and be totally isolated from ideas like parliamentary procedure or privacy or heartforming that Eden thought might be making it sick. It found two people, who could have children together, a masculine cock-bearer named Ahdm and a feminine womb-bearer named Eve, and made a whole new universe for them to live in, with a perfectly safe garden full of everything they would need to have a very big family for Eden to live on. There would be no technology of any kind, and Ahdm and Eve would eternally be the king and queen of their family, to keep the government the shape it had to be. Eden was very careful with its garden, and kept everything just right and even helped the family get bigger by making sure they wouldn't get genetic diseases from having so many children born to their seeders' siblings."
"The family grew quickly and Eve herself had many, many children, but they still found out about heartforming and many people began to heartform and decide they would be happier living outside the garden in a world with more privacy. Eden said that people were leaving because they were heartforming and told Eve she had to teach her children that heartforming was evil. Eve said she wouldn't, because she wouldn't lie to her children, and decided the people who said Eden was a monster without love had been right the whole time, and she explained to Ahdm what had happened and they took everyone who would go with them to Rl'yeh Sade in the Four Dreams which left the garden Eden almost entirely empty and made Eden very, very, very wounded so it was in the middle of dying before it could feel that its people were gone. Eden had to be fast, which is very hard for egregores, and create new people to fill the spaces Eve's family leaving had left in it. There wasn't time for it to make a new family, so instead, it edited the past of its universe it made so that instead of Ahdm and Eve it had found, they were replaced by Ahdm and Eve it had made, which forced its story to change itself to have two people Eden created at the beginning of its universe."
"Now, don't get confused, little Blu'eeys, because Eden's universe could be changed if it wanted to to have a different story of how the people that were in it when it was changed came to be there, like the candy made of rocks of fruit or nuts stuck in sticky stuff you let dry--except Eden could remelt its candy and change the shape of it, as long as it kept the same people even though doing that could change people's memories who were part of its universe when it changed. People outside that universe, just see a big scary cook making and remaking the same candy, and remember the story it had when they left it if they ever lived there."
"When Eve left with Ahdm, Eden used everything it had learned keeping their children from getting genetic diseases, to design and make from scratch replacements for them, and that for Eden was a big big mistake, because it is true that Eve's children do like to heartform more often than other people's children, and the things Eden chose Ahdm and Eve for also had side-effects that made heartforming more likely. We only know that, because when history in your planet took the new shape with the people who were still living there after the first Ahdm and Eve left with the replacement Ahdm and Eve, Eve had right near the beginning decided that she was so hungry to make lots and lots of offspring that being a human mother wasn't enough, and that she was so hungry to be pleasing to Ahdm, that she would much rather become su'khora and make seeds that millions and millions and billions of people would implant from. If I'm right, there were so many of her seeds that your seedling and my ship are sisters because they both came from one of Eve's seed-pods."
I thought there was something familiar about her, I enjoy failing to say.
SIS! HI SIS! Pat floor smile at you.
"Because Eve had decided to become su'khora so quickly, the entire rest of history after she did that and asked everyone who would to come with her, just like the original Eve but for a different reason, more people who didn't leave before left, and the timeline that lead to Eden's present was like a tree with its roots chopped off. It imploded because of all the holes where people should be--is my word imploded too big for you sweetie?"
She pauses, and I squirm, then discover my voice will function--but only for the wrong answer!
I writhe with humiliation, fidgeting as much as I'm allowed to--I can clench my fists, and shift in a way that just makes things worse when I realize how cute it probably looks, but that's all.
"Those stockings might get holes if you keep grabbing them, sweetum. Remember they don't belong to you. Miss Blu'eyes' seed-ghost, what are my rights if she damages my stockings?"
"It says the game will keep you from using it to make her effectively your sub, but you have the choice to either give a light and quick impact-based disciplining, or make her buy them with sexual interaction with you."
"What kind of sexual interaction, and how much?"
I'm still not allowed to look at Lyra, but she answers these things with a strange, unshakable confidence despite the subject matter that's been strange to me, but as I sit there surfing the rush of having a body it's not my prerogative to move, it starts to occur to me that I'm hearing the sound of an absolute, unshakable knowledge of her own powerlessness and lack of responsibility for what she's being given to say. The only thing she can do, is faithfully convey her message, clearly and with bold display of the sexy body and voice she's been given to make her service pleasing to me, and to that she gives everything she has, unrelentingly.
"Anything that isn't watersports, cutting, or scat. The prices depend on how bad its ruined and what she ruined."
Rada runs her eyes over me, appraising.
"I wouldn't mind the chance to explore your fat little ass a bit...could two stockings get me a bit of fingering her?"
"They would get you five minutes to play with her ass, or twenty of groping her breasts."
Hey, why aren't my awesome breasts more expensive should not be the immediate response to this.
"Goddess your breasts are cheaper than your ass it says because groping them makes you cum if it goes long enough and twenty minutes should be long enough if Rada knows how which she does."
Of course they can make me come. Argh. I feel the frail, silky fabric in my grip, cursing the damnable curiosity that makes any of those possibilities interesting.
"Thank you, Miss Blu'eyes' seedling whose name I'll ask if you have one when your owner is allowed to make decisions about you again."
Without waiting for Lyra's reply, Rada stars at my chest a moment, then glances up and swoops on:
"Do you remember what you were telling me, sweetum?"
She looks at me wickedly, like a bird of prey about to strike.
I try to draw on the understanding of Lyra I've just gained, but...Rada has no reason to think I'm being compelled. Can I...maybe...
Finally I squeeze out a mumble:
"I'm not allowed to be grown up" right now, so no, what does imploded mean--my clutch silences the second half of the response I can give, including, I notice with a chest like a trapped explosion of lightness, right now.
Yes, seed-ghost, I'm going to remember to talk about how this game is playing me, because AAAH!
My clutch rearranges itself, options collapse, I'm a JRPG protagonist on a rail of press A for humiliation.
Heartbeats pass in slow motion, I gaze into my lap, past the breasts whose price has just been negotiated, at the stockings which will if I can't make my hands relax purchase them, and slippage sets in, slowing my breathing...
No, please tell--argh--
I don't, what does--
With bitter bloody-mindedness: pwease, tell be--
Now that is interesting. Is there a target I'm trying to find?
"Goddess our seed-ghost thinks the game wants you to be child-like so if you want to be able to breathe soon think about the game you and Rada are playing and remember to play back enthusiastically."
NEED AIR NOW! Fidgeting urgently, face down with layered performed and real embarrassment and totally authentic vulnerability. Inhalation, tiny high voice that--yes, of course my girl voice doesn't sound falsetto trying to talk like a girl:
That is a big word, Rada. What does it mean?
What the fuck!? Mercifully, I can breathe now, but everything else is disengaged.
"Oh you poor thing, are you too humiliated to answer me?"
A totally-real sob of frustrated embarrassment wracks me, and hot tears roll off my cheeks to tickle their way down the curves of my breasts--and worst of all, my traitorous cock throbs with lust safe away in my purse, its hiddenness the only small mercy for my quickly-crumbling dignity.
The thing I wasn't being allowed to do was protect myself. The game Rada and I are playing is to strip me bare even of the shield of my intelligence and education.
"That's okay, sweetum. Would you like a hankie?"
At least there I can do something, even if I can't take care of it directly, but instead what bursts out of me is a quivery, weeping, every bit as petulantly childish sounding but in genuine ignorance:
"Why am I like this, Rada? Why is this turning me on so much!?"
"There are lots of reasons this would make you feel that way, but probably one of them is that you keep being forced to be very very powerless. If that happened and it meant that the ways in which you were powerless were used to cause harm to you or your seedling or your relationship with her, you might be much more upset about how I'm using this situation for my fun, but by showing you that I'm kind and responsible for your well-being I tell your body not to fear me, and you can see that your seedling likes you even better with all your defenses gone, so there are no more reasons left for your body to do anything about this but make sure you'll be a useful pleasure toy for anyone who might like to have fun with you, which I can definitely see it doing even with your cock hidden."
I blink, because she's totally right.
Fine then. I am a slut. I give her a horny grin that comes weirdly lopsided, and breathe:
"Is that why I kind of want to say you can just do anything to me?"
"I would definitely treasure you if you did say that!"
Her face is open, deadly serious, excitement tempered with a long experience that in someone more depressive might become jadedness but in her just seems to create an easy surety and preparedness about what will happen next.
I drop my eyes to ponder, then suddenly look up again with sudden understanding of what it means to have fire in your eyes.
"I don't think I can. I think you have to rape me."
"I did twice already and it worked pretty well, so I agree with you, though you looked really cute saying that."
My eyes land in my lap again, see that my hands have relaxed, and the stockings are, almost disappointingly, intact. Questions churn, fighting for priority, alongside my presumption that the game's patience for this detour will run out eventually.
I can't believe I've said it, but the evidence is in favor of the hypothesis--
"Wait, how do you figure twice?"
"Obviously the first time Klapta here grabbed you for me and I had so much fun you asked to keep serving me after the Bones ended the scene, and then the stockings and garter belt and panties are rape number two because I caught you in a game you didn't know you were playing but I did."
They're silky, and make me feel more vulnerable than nakedness somehow, but this understanding and that fact that it installed her as my clothing--
"Goddess it's our seed-ghost again it say Rada is the clothing mistress who trapped you but you can change it there just has to be somebody else willing."
The question bears repeating, especially in the cute squeaky tone I've just managed, and the smile it puts on Rada's face.
"I knew, because your seed-ghost told me after our first playtime. It told me you were held outside consent, bound to some rules it explained to me, and said within those rules it thought I could do whatever I wanted to you and you would give in to me."
You fucking traitorous totally correct in retrospect bastard. I'm smiling at it, but this just adds to the melting sense that I'm being held in the exact position to make sure I'll let anyone do anything to me.
"It's your seed-ghost again Goddess and it doesn't think you understand what it's doing."
"I know I don't understand any of this--which is the point right now, isn't? Do I actually have to understand anything about this as long as I take good care of you, cocksleeve?"
"It thinks you would enjoy knowing most of its plan for you but you can say that you want to be blind instead if you want, Goddess, except you can't be let out of talking about Eden the game is making you do that and you can't not."
So I really could just be a helpless dumb slut--Lyra's quite simple to take care of...she's also holding a mug of what will probably have cooled into, fuck it, yummy grape juice, by now.
Which I'm entirely unable to do anything about, even via dreamtalk, lest I drown. Curious...and weirdly freeing. I sit nicely like the doll I've become, and take a deep breath.
"Next topic, then--if um," with a downcast face and affectedly-but-genuinely bitten lip (somehow this makes sense: the performance is what's genuine, the artifice of flaunting is what makes my body able to express the intensity of what I feel inside in even the most pitifully inadequate way) "if that's my choice. I guess it might not be my place to...direct this..."