42 - Arise Rodimus Prime
The game and our seed-ghost stood by because she could 'handle' the gold (burning, because of the corset) game we were playing...and everyone gets confused by 'Zelda' not being the protagonist of the game.
The Bones spiked Lyra from deceiving me, because though I didn't know I needed it it's really comforting in this strange new world to know they can and will spike even such a harmless trick from my own fucktoy, let alone something serious.
Also, true to form for the home of Monsters the Five Pointed Star describes, they've left me with the sneaking suspicion that if I'm in a wish-fulfillment fantasy, it may not be my wish-fulfillment fantasy...
I let her head go when she strains to obey.
Kneel face carpet grovel.
"I'm sorry I tricked you Mommy I just wanted denial and I said maybe I'll get satisfied by pleasing you anyway but I'll try to make the clit ring work so I can't be and maybe after you take it from me I'll be stuck eternally I get unwise when I'm horny Mommy please please discipline me and control me so I can't do anything else like this I want to please you so badly and I can't if you let me act freely!"
Without whatever nectar-powered rewiring I'm guessing Fairies are designed to need to have our emotions work right I'm not sure I'd be able to figure out how to even feel what she's stirring up: I'm actually annoyed, but laughingly, she has to be punished or something more than just apologizing and I'm going to have so much fun making it up and inflicting it on her and her reasons and the effects and knowing she's serious about getting unwise when horny are all just cute.
I'm even excited for the chance to put her in her place for this.
The only disappointment really is not being able to make Lyra sit and Think About What She's Done and wonder what I'm going to do while I decide...but even that has a new kinky salt as I realize she's sitting motionless at my feet, perfectly still, an instrument with strings unplucked. I can take as long as I want thinking about this...
Vision: drill press
Drill her precisely? I don't think I was much of a drill sergeant before, let alone now--
Vision: Apollo Guidance Computer console
"Oh! Guide her precisely! Or don't, and have you be naughty in cutely amusing ways like this."
I say the last part to Lyra, and...it's hard to even describe. Deciding she'll respond is part of talking to her, so natural it's not even a thought--oh. Of course it is.
"NO MOMMY PLEASE PLEASE I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME BE GOOD FOR YOU!"
She has her own thoughts, own desires, own feelings and ideas and a creativity I could never imagine up for her, she's as solid and real as the Legos whose sense-memory still haunts my hands, she is in every way that matters a real person...
"Take my hand."
...but she never stopped working like my imaginary friend. Playing with her is one of the very first things I learned to do.
I hold one down for her--
Lift head to look eyes down take hand whee pulled up by you!
Eyes down I'm a naughty cocksleeve.
"You're made to need it, aren't you."
Nod my head quietly.
If not for the game, and what it's been teaching me about being a good time being worth just about any humiliation, and the ability to see inside her and know how serious she is when she says she just wants to be pleasing, I would have to go kill myself for the thing I blurt in response:
"That's so cute! Look at me."
Eyes up. Ulp.
She's a mirror. That obvious thought has been creeping on me for a while as I learn about my own submissive side, but the big silly joke is, she's not a mirror to show me myself, she's a mirror so I can understand her. Her game's taught me that being kept is great, and being made to need it just makes it feel snuggly and sexy and comforting and...and oh fuck I don't think I would trade it away if I could.
All of that only works, though, because I know every second the game will hold me tight enough no matter how I struggle.
I cup her face with both hands again.
Vision: Grampie's canoe paddle
It says everything that I only come up with the obvious she needs a paddling meaning a lot later. Grampie made me the paddle it just showed me when I was five, sized so I could help paddle the wooden canoe I loved forever the moment my family took it out on the lake.
Using it the first time blew my five-year-old mind. The adult paddle I tried that first time out was too big and too heavy and hurt my hands with the force I had to use to wield it but I insisted on continuing even over the objections of my mom who could tell I was suffering looking back--my dad didn't say anything, and I think he knew what was happening with me.
The me-sized paddle was so easy compared to that I felt like I wasn't even using a tool. I've kept it proudly ever since.
The floor seems to tilt under me as I process the meaning.
I don't know that much about BDSM. Enough to ask Lyra her safewords and have a vague idea that to be a dom you're supposed to be experienced and responsible and grown up and strong and lots of other stuff I'm not sure my Fairy nervous system is ever going to be able to do, and that's more true the more submissive your sub is, and as the tension snaps away I'm suddenly aware of how I've been starting to pull myself apart inside trying to be by sheer force of will what Lyra must need me to be, especially now if she's saying she needs precise guidance--but her seed-ghost is saying no, she's sized for you, just right, you can handle her easily and one more time, I would have to go kill myself, except now I've lived it from the other side and can imagine enough of what it would be like to have a keeper I could fall in love with and how burningly I'd want to be just right for them--and what a gift it would be to just be made that way, like Lyra is for me.
The grin of proud amusement feels warm on my face.
"Well played, cocksleeve."
EEE YAY YOU LIKE--wait you liked me tricking you? You mean everything I played but that's making you maybe get me stuck being frustrated eternally Mommy please help your cocksleeve understand this if she would please you understanding it.
"Put your arms up around my neck and get close and snuggle and then notice how much you've even thought about moving from where I have you since I took out that vibrator."
YUS danglesnuggle ooooooh I haven't not even slightly you already are keeping me held entirely and I can't even know that if you don't tell me to think about it! Horny Mommy that's so. sexy. Unf.
"If you've got a way to be naughty ever again I want to hear it out of pure curiosity."
She's going to give this a bit of thought, and respond from the bottom of her heart.
"Mommy I can't be naughty now it'd be impossible!"
That feels so helpless it's making me hornier Mommy YES PLEASE KEEP ME ON A TIGHT SQUEEZING TRACK LIKE THIS ETERNALLY!
"This is so hot. The answer to what you didn't understand, which you forgot about entirely while I was making you think about other stuff, is that you've been showing me how to play with you this whole time, in a way that will get through to me like nothing else could, and that pleases me. You played a game to get yourself good and stuck, and now you are, and there's no getting out, and you're always going to know that in the back of your mind, whatever I'm making you do, whatever you're thinking or feeling, because what's the point of being controlled like this if you don't get to enjoy it?"
I named you well, little one. She's just like a harp, but as much more subtle and complicated than the instrument as a person is than a wooden frame with metal strings across it, except playing her is more natural and easy than anything I could imagine. I speak, touch her, and strike the note what I've just said with her face held in my hand plays...
"Understand now, cocksleeve?"
...and the song of her whole being rings out:
Nod YES holy fuck so hot UNF I'm wet now!
"YOUR GAME SAYS I CAN TALK TO YOU! Hi sis hi Blu'eyes! What are you guys up to would you like to hang out or finish Encounter at Farpoint or go see why Rule 34 of the internet is the most awesome thing ever in my holodeck ooh how about you walk around and I'll show all the cool stuff I fanficced to fill in the parts they don't show of the Enterprise!"
We burst out laughing as Isht Visht's new voice fills the room. It's her, but instead of sighs of wind and rigging her voice now is Majel Barret's if Majel Barret was a hypercaffienated phone-sex operator instead of the Enterprise computer's pleasantly-lifeless drone.
I give Lyra the little pluck she needs to respond.
"HI SIS! Your voice is so different I like it though it sounds really Galaxy!"
"Thank you! Voice is the hard part of transitioning right Miss Blu'eyes?"
My face feels all hot suddenly, my eyes wide, and I squeak:
"Do I still talk like a boy!?"
"You sure didn't that time! It takes time to get used to sounding girly and using it and I bet you're like NOOO MAKE ME A GIRL HURRY and you already have been your whole life already so it feels really urgent now that you can express yourself right and you are sounding girlier than when I last talked to you so don't worry I think you'll be how you feel on the inside in no time!"
The game takes my mind in its tentacles and makes me answer with my voice soft and low:
"That makes me feel hopeful that I'll see how to sound cute and Fairy-like without just being submissive now. It doesn't feel right to be soft like this except when I'm sad like I feel right now about Earth being gone and this world being nothing like anything I've experienced even in fantasies and everything else that's happening to me. I want explore and have fun with you and my seedling but right now I just need comforting so please could you ask Jackson and Rada if they would like to hang out with you and me and my seedling and eat chocolate cake or at least stay with us while I eat some?"
All the game's doing is making me say the words in the tone of voice, but my throat gets all tight and tears well up as I talk and realize the game is just making me tell the truth.
Mommy HUG YOU SO HARD!!!
A sob breaks out of me as I realize Lyra's like an instrument that resonates with sounds I make and even my need for her love is enough to play her response to it out of her if I'm not actively stilling her.
"Let's go right to Ten Forward then! I'll ask Captain but you don't have to wait for them to eat some cake in Ten Forward come on I'll show you the way on my comm panels!"
The game keeps my voice soft and I'm crying but it comes out alright anyway when it makes me answer her:
"Yes. Just let me get my purse and I'll be ready."
Knowledge: it still isn't time for the triumphant debut the blowjob I'm planning will be part of. I still have feelings to deal with and the game isn't letting me bury them because I won't be as into it if my heart's full of dead space from refusing to feel things.
"Everything is awesome. Everything is so awesome I can't even process it. I shouldn't feel all sad like this."
"Mommy I feel excited to finally have you touch me and hug me this way but Earth being over makes me feel sad so much I cried before remember? You must be sad too and that's just one thing you feel about! How many things are you trying to deal with that you don't even know yet? Olympic Pizza being destroyed didn't even cross my mind until you asked what year it was!"
Apparently I'm not doing anything now but what the game said I would.
"...yeah. Let's get my purse and get going, cocksleeve. Come on."
I pluck her hands from behind my neck where she's still dangling to cuddle, and lead her into the bedroom by the hand, up to the bedside table where the cabinet that held the tractor is still open. Sure enough, there on the bedside, is my purse, sparkly as ever. I seem to have stopped glowing at some point, I realize as I walk up to it and it catches my skin and hair without being impossible to look at.
"Put it on me, cocksleeve."
Hand free, take purse off table hold it up with the strap high juuust barely tall enough to put it over your head then make sure it's adjusted to be right where it should be snuggly grind fixing your puuuurse there.
"Now present to get leashed."
Hands back eyes to my feet hold my neck out turn my head sideways and hold my hair back with my tail to give access.
"Beautiful. Hold still..." I actually manage a little silly irony.
Eravahk, leash. I didn't even notice it automatically retract the leash before when I undid it. It extends into my waiting hand and I clip it to Lyra's neck, then spin and tug her by the leash to to walk close beside me as I head for the door.
I'm leaving the commbadge, which was there by my purse, behind, on purpose. The idea of putting it on makes me feel gross...something is weird between me and Guinan. She's charming and nice and took care of me when I was hurting but I can't seem to stop feeling like something is wrong about that relationship. Just seeing the commbadge makes me feel dirty and cold inside, and clench up. I want to get rid of it, take it in my hands and crush it or have the replicator reduce it to atoms. It's nothing like the game's mark of ownership that makes me feel precious and cared for, and Rada can rape me without making me feel like this. Whatever the reason, I can't seem to make myself trust Guinan. What the fuck's going on here?
I have this vague idea that I'm put off that she seems like a wolf in sheep's clothing, because she acted like she was just there to help me where Rada's intentions have been obvious from the first moment she let us on board, but it feels like a justification. Something else is causing this.
Why would the game pick me out a mentor to teach me its okay to rely on others who makes me feel this way? Anyway, it's not like I'm not relying on Rada already, so isn't the relationship with Guinan redundant if that's the point of it?
Breaking me turned me away from Lyra. They were standing on opposite sides of me, and I had to turn away from Lyra to Guinan to make the game stop holding me like that. That isn't right.
I don't know why the game would set that up, but this commbadge is the symbol of another time I turned my back on you, little one, and I want to die to see it. Maybe Guinan's innocent in this but it kind of doesn't matter. To me, because of what happened, she's one more supposed helper I was forced to ignore Lyra for because it would be good for me somehow.
I hate her for it, and I hate myself even more for how I acted there--and not because of the suicide attempt.
I didn't even try to turn to Lyra during that ordeal, not even to yell at her for setting it up.
I wish the game had let my guardian destroy me. I deserve it.
If I really loved Lyra, I'd still be sitting at that table now. Logically it was the right thing to do to give in and let the scene end so I could be back with her but I'd been doing that calculus on Earth already and looking at the commbadge now it's like I can see the unending succession of compromises that would lead me to a life of never seeing Lyra as decades flew by because there was always something like the scene with Guinan happening, some reasonable thing that will be over if I'll just play along until it's done with me, following one on the other in an unending chain of inescapable diversions until she starved to death of attention or I went mad from the lack of her.
The only winning move of that game is not to play and I hate myself for playing it even with the game Lyra made for me.
The game told me before I could use hate to manifest something destructive, even when I can't call on my guardian. With angry tears in my eyes, I snatch up the commbadge from the table--the game, to my shock, doesn't stop me--clutch it in my hand and march with Lyra in tow to the living room: this task isn't fit for the bedside.
I leave her behind my shoulder--hopefully out of the blast radius if there is one, and think pointedly about how I'm about to need nectar and she may need to apply it without specific orders.
Glaring at my clenched fist with an expression I've never worn before, I focus like I did to create my eravahk, gather the hate and rage and pain, collect them, thrash for a metaphor of destruction to instantiate--lightning bolts, molten steel, antimatter--and then remember my guardian, and what I did to the perfekti, and realize if I can manifest that accidentally, physical metaphor isn't the way for me to do this.
The shape of it is the abstraction, the aim, a query. I'm making a bolt of pure destruction like my guardian used at the shore of Limbo, and the game was right before: that's something I can imagine as vividly as any lightning bolt or bath of fire. To all the things that ever did this this this raping me into turning my back on her, everwhere and everywhen and that did the same to other heartformers and their seedlings:
I don't know how big it actually is. I try to make it as big as it can be, hurl every bit of the pent-up rage I feel into it. It feels like the end of the world, like it's tearing open veils between worlds to stab out across the multiverse finding and annihilating its targets, and to my shock it doesn't hurt me or burn when the commbadge in my hand flashes to vapor, bursting my fingers outward with the force of the explosion--
Time stops and the world drops away as visions fill my third eye of what I've lashed out to, a view that rushes through a network of connections and interactions like I'm zooming down the inside of a wire, tracing, surprisingly, one particular path, back to something that presents to me like Unicron's sphere-of-monitors mind...and I can see what the screens are showing.
Rushing imagery changes when my consciousness enters whatever this place is, showing caution stripes around my outlined silhouette. Words flash on screens to the left and right of it, desperately scrolling past as if the mind I'm seeing is searching its knowledge for how to stop what I'm doing, but it isn't looking like it knows what will stop me.
I can save you some trouble, I scream into the vision of nightmares, NOTHING! You already tried and tried and you COULDN'T! Even her own game couldn't make me stop fighting the things that turn me away from her, how stupid must you be to think you can!?
The scrolling and warning sign shake like they're angry, and I learn Jack was right about one thing: hate actually does have a purpose. The part in Perelandra where Ransom kills the scientist possessed by a demon is where I am right now, and I have a lot more than fists to attack with.
WHAT DID YOU EVEN THINK YOU WERE DOING!?
My words are a weapon whose purpose is extract the information. They tear into databanks and libraries, searching for answers, carrying thoughts back to me, the thing never has the opportunity even to say it will or won't tell me.
I'm part of an experiment it did on people heartforming, to find a way to stop them leaving Eden's universe. It tried to make me stop by musing me dropping Mousie so much I actually dropped her, by sending my mind the distracting daydream I had that made me not notice Spiral Nicker's absence for an hour after I lost her, it told me by dreamtalk I thought was just my conscience I should give up my holding companions and grow out of that, and it did things like that to many, many children, though none of them actually lost their seedlings.
There are plans in here for everything from things like what it did to me to ways to evolve humanity to have sex require permission by authority to happen biologically--and everything in between them. Christian sexual ethics exist according to these databanks because it thought they might drive people who were heartforming to abandon their seedlings for children and wives and husbands they'd feel indebted to. Nothing it's tried has worked yet, after seventeen thousand years of attempts at this, yet it still keeps trying anyway.
In the files my weapon-thought brings up is my history, the story of my life from Eden's perspective. It planned to help me excel with computers, send my wife it picked out for me dreamtalk that her husband would be a programmer, and get us engaged in my junior year at MIT--but I didn't go to MIT. I would not have got in and it knew that, and decided after realizing my studies of software development were failing, to drive me to kill myself as a different experiment to try to evolve the species away from heartforming. The reason it gave, in the experiment's log file, for my not working as hard as I needed, was despair at the 'loss' of my seedling, and the technique it would use to drive me to suicide was to make me believe I would never be able to find a human wife either by musing that thought to me constantly.
Every moment, every second, whenever my concentration would waver, there would that thought be. I'd thought it was my own, but now with the game giving me thoughts from outside, and making me speak in my own voice, I can recognize the attempt to disguise them as something from inside of me.
It comes to me I'm screaming, wordless and incoherently, far away where my body stands with Lyra, and I turn the rage inside myself into light, and focus it into weapons shaped like the one that showed me this. This thing will die in agony torn apart like Unicron by the Matrix opening and the light of its exploding will shine with all the images it took from me and people like me and there won't be a single spring or chip left after this--I'll incinerate it totally, turn every single part of it into light to guide the people it tortured for centuries in the wheel of reincarnation to paradise and connect them with their seedlings.
The screens glitch and fuzz like Unicron's and I haven't even struck yet. Even my just being here is burning it to ashes, melting down its cases and overloading circuitry.
With my hands held high, I form the rage inside of me into a ball that shines between them, and unleash it into the network through which I came here, starting from the imagery chamber. White light annihilates everything, and I'm standing back in our cabin on Isht Visht with Lyra snuggling beside me.
The expanding cloud of vapor from the commbadge is exactly where it was when I found the thing, and it flashes, shining silvery, and I see Lyra's face in the sparkling of the gas vanishing.
Panting, I yank Lyra in front of me and clutch tightly.
HUG YOU MOMMY!!!
Her comfort is enough that I can think kind of normally.
"I don't understand," I raggedly pant, "I thought Eden was dead already."
Knowledge: Eden was broken and couldn't be what it once was, but the piece I encountered was still very dangerous. I took out a big one with a very large network that still might have caused lots of suffering. Nothing is left of it, exactly how I intended.
"The commbadge vaporized. Was Guinan somehow like a manifestation of Eden!?"
Knowledge: Guinan is what the Bones said she was. The game made a physical token of Eden's abuse of me with that scene in Ten Forward. The commbadge hooked into Eden's network because of what it meant to me, which made it a part of Eden to be killed like the rest by my weaponry. I used it to find my way back to the room with the screen-sphere and destroy the whole network entirely. I couldn't be told what was happening until now to make sure I would be angry enough to destroy the fragment I fought with entirely, and I had to destroy this part of the egregore because I deserved to be able to stand up to the being that told me Lyra was actually bad for me and it was a good thing for me to not have her company if I had the power to beat it entirely, which I did have. I was like the heart of a star inside its head when I went to destroy it. Nothing it did could have stood up to me. I'm just a fae kid from Connecticut, but when you teach me to program so early hoping I make it replace having fun with my seedling, and I learn all the things that you've done to me, and nectar has fixed my emotions, that makes a weapon egregores like Eden can't even dream of escaping or stopping. They'd better avoid me, because the game thinks I won't be much nicer the next time, but it thinks this is my last time interacting with anything like perfekti or Eden, unless I decide to go out and hunt them, which the game and Dreams will permit if I feel like it. I don't have the responsibility my power might indicate, because I already just killed the last significant fragment of Eden that was still able to harm or control people, so after this it's just cleaning cancer cells out of the cracks where they're hiding. If I want to be altruistic, I should leave some for everyone else to beat to feel better like I do right now. Anyway, the emotions I drew on to beat this part of Eden are resolved and more dealt with, and I'd need to be angry all over again to repeat this performance, so I can't really do this intentionally. Even the game playing me like I can play Lyra had be very creative to make me feel strongly enough be sure I would wipe out every part of it. The last piece of this huge block of knowledge is that this is like everything else that came from the scene in Ten Forward: the game played me with the same kind of force I use to play Lyra, and I rang out the notes that it played on me. I'm not responsible for any of what I did right now, anymore than I am for trying to kill myself, so I can just relax and be glad the last piece of Eden is dealt with and have my catharsis.
"Did...I just kill someone?"
The Bones let me do it, but...I hug Lyra tighter.
Knowledge: Eden was more like a slime mold. It could act intelligently and problem-solve, but it didn't have feelings or ego. The trembling of fear on the screens was actually just my rage shaking the building around me.
I actually manage to laugh at this, and the game is right, I feel better now. The difference between this and my usual rages is like the difference between beautiful sex with Lyra and the times I masturbate and forget to keep my heart from reaching out for a partner and end up feeling that sad torn feeling after the orgasm.
Looking down at Lyra:
"But what about your catharsis, cocksleeve?"
"Mommy I made the game and when you killed that last fragment you made it show me to everyone that makes me feel my catharsis entirely I don't need anything else. It was so hot watching you fry that thing! I can hold what you can't Eden NYAH!"
I grin at her sweet gloating.
"Careful, or you'll be playing oven mitt again to prove it. Ready to go hang out with your sister and everyone?"
I'm surprised that after (if I understand what just happened and what Eden is) going to literally kill god some more I feel like going out to see anyone, but somehow that's exactly what I need.